Tough Love (ManXMan)

Chapter 35.

Roman

I pull a six pack from the fridge and maybe it's still not so healthy for me right now, I grab it anyway. I make my way to the balcony, set down the beers on the small stool and I just stare into the night.

I've lost too many people, I've seen too many people die and that hurts, but the hardest part is the people who return home mentally scarred, traumatic brain injuries, PTSD, the constant paranoia, or even the people that have become physically disabled. Sometimes I wonder how I'm still alive from the amount of tours in the most dangerous places that I've done and yet I'm still here.

Talking about my job makes the reality set in that all it takes is one battle and everything could come crashing down. How do you tell the one you love that coming home is not a guarantee therefore your promises were just words you choose to believe but it's not an assurance. He won't fucking understand and that's why I never tangled myself with the baggage of a relationship. I prefer to keep my horror stories to myself than to tell Jalil that, that was not the first time I was clipped and probably wouldn't be the last.

I open up the cap of the beer bottle with my teeth and I down the liquid relishing in the taste while taking in the serene environment and the smell of pollution in the air.

One bottle becomes two... three.... four..... five .....six.

At this point I'm slumped on a chair on the balcony drunk as ever, it has to have been about three hours that I've been here just drinking and thinking if there's anything I might have done differently. Weird thing though is I wouldn't change anything about how I've gotten to this point in my life, scratch that maybe lessen the numbers of people that I've failed as a leader. Wait I do regret having sex with Tommy Pickleman in the bathroom on prom night, I don't care what anyone says toilet sex in the stall is terrible and uncomfortable.

I rest my head on the chair and just gaze up at the sky, it's so pretty at night with the very beautiful shade of blue, the stars scattered across, illuminating the night with their beautiful glow, my eyes close of their own volition and gradually I fall asleep right there on the balcony, drunk as ever.

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Jalil

I wake up sometime later during the wee hours of the morning to a very cold left side of the bed. I vaguely remembered Roman leaving the room so, did that mean he didn't come back to bed? strange. I paddle to the bathroom to rinse my face to atleast begin the process of waking me up fully. His phone is on the kitchen counter but I don't see him anywhere. The panic sets in on where my boyfriend could be at this time of the night, the sliding door that leads to the balcony is slightly ajar and I walk towards it to close it when it catches my eye.

Beer bottles are scattered on the floor I count up to five of them, Roman is sprawled across a chair fast asleep. A little to the corner is a half drunk bottle of Whiskey and he totally reeks of the substance. A feeling of Deja Vu settles on me as I remember many times when I was ready for school and my father would be slouched on the sofa, drunk out of his mind from the bottle of vodka that was always next to him. Waking him up and triggering his hangover earns you a beating of a lifetime, not waking him up to get to work early also earns you a beating, so my momma would drop me off at school and when I got back fresh injuries were present on her face and body.

Does a part of me know that Roman will never hurt me? Yes, but the fear still lingered in my mind even though it was getting pretty chilly out here and I know he's super uncomfortable right now with his neck bent at a very awkward angle. I know I triggered something with my question yesterday but I didn't know he would rather drink to stupor than to talk about it with me. He can't tell me a lot about his job for security reasons but I thought he'd at least be able to tell me how he's honestly doing underneath it all. For crying out loud he got shot less than two months ago, I still see the way he jumps when there's a loud noise and even though he says he has nothing against Callum, he's been avoiding him like the plague too and the whole trial infact. But he won't talk to me about it preferring to keep up this façade of being okay and strong while the demons are eating him from the inside out.