Ghosts ✔

118 • Kozik

Kozik stared into his coffee. It was 6.30. The last time he'd gotten up this early, he couldn't even remember. He however had been tossing and turning in bed all night. Juice hadn't picked up his nephew from school yesterday. The teacher had called the clubhouse and in the end he had picked up the kid from school. There after he had called Fye, but she hadn't answered. Neither had Juice. 

The man hadn't shown up in the garage either, nobody had heard from him. Most didn't worry about it; it wasn't the first time Juice disappeared. But he had to admit – it was a while back. But now Dana had left, nobody was surprised to see Juice distance himself again. Actually nobody knew what to do with him anymore. Kozik was no exception. 

He felt like a shitty friend, but he was just tired of it. For four years he had tried to be there for his friend, and all he got in return were stabs in the back. He was done with it. 

Or that was at least what he had told himself. That he hadn't been able to sleep there after, showed him he couldn't really let go of the man. They had been through so much...

Yesterday, Juice hadn't picked up the phone, all he had done was sending a text telling him he needed some time away. Kozik had expected him to pick up Mikey after dinner, but by now he still hadn't heard from him. He decided to wait until 9, then he would call him again. 

. . .

It never came that far. At 7.30 the doorbell rang. Mikey was eating a sandwich at the dinner table, his eyes cast at the table top. He hadn't said much. He didn't understand why he was here. He knew Kozik, but Kozik hadn't been able to explain to him why both Fye and Juice had been too busy to pick him up. 

Kozik got up from the chair and walked to the front door. The moment he opened it, he was a little surprised. He thought it would be Fye – he believed she was the most responsible of the two. 

It however was Juice. At first he nervously stared at the ground, then he looked up. The look in his eyes was less empty than he had feared. Wherever he had been yesterday; it had done him well. 

Juice cleared his throat. "Hey."

Kozik didn't answer. He had no idea what to say; despite the fact that Juice looked better, it felt like he was facing a stranger. There wasn't much left of the strong bond between them. 

"Thanks for picking up Mikey."

Kozik sighed. "Where were you?"

"At the lake were we scattered Lotte's ashes. 

Kozik raised his eyebrows. It didn't feel like he was still struggling a lot with what he had done to the girl and he wasn't sure this was a positive development. "What were you doing there?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I seemed like a good place to... you know." He stared at the floor again. 

Kozik didn't know. Not right away. Only after staring at Juice's ashamed demeanor for a few seconds, he realized what he had been about to do. "Fucking hell Juice!" he snapped. "What about Mikey? Fye?"

No! He didn't want to go back to the days that he feared to stumble upon Juice's dead body every fucking day! 

"Fye left me. And Mikey... I thought he'd be better off in a foster home."

Well that was a bitter truth. 

Kozik heaved a deep sigh and raked a hand through his hair. He didn't know what to say. 

"Dana knows. About Cherry. Fye told her. I thought... I thought she would hate me. And that the baby would be better off without me. She – she's pregnant." He rubbed his face. "She screamed that to me when I... was beating her up. She yelled that she was pregnant. And I thought... I thought it would be better for everyone if I was no longer there."

Kozik cursed. It was unbelievable that he had beaten up another girlfriend! He felt ashamed for the thought that followed; that it might indeed be better if Juice was dead. He leaned against the doorway, feeling dizzy. This was not how he'd wanted to start this day. "And now?" he asked, feeling exhausted. 

"Now I got a lot of making up to do." He took a deep breath. "I want to apologize. For how I treated you the past months. Or years. And I – I want to tell you I forgive you. For keeping the truth about Dana's death from me."

Kozik studied his face. Well – this was kinda unexpected after what he had just said. Where the hell were these forgiveness and self reflection coming from? He was glad to hear it – he surely was. It was just very... overwhelming. 

"What happened yesterday?" he asked.

"Dana," he answered quietly. "Fye went to Kip and Dana and she sensed that I... That I wanted to end my life." His cheeks flushed, calling up memories of the times before the two went to Mexico. It felt like he was getting a glimpse of the old Juice. 

"We want to start over," he said. "Together. And become... healthy people again. She said... she said I needed to apologize to people and to forgive others to heal. So I hope... I hope you can forgive me." Tears gathered in his eyes. "I'm not saying this because Dana wants me too. I just... I don't wanna hurt people anymore, especially not ones who did so much for me." A tear rolled down his cheek. "And I know I've said this so many times, but I really believe I can do this with her help. That we can move forward together. And I – I'm going to ask the club if I can take take a break from active duty. I need to step back so I can... become myself again, and you can all count on me again."

 Kozik pursed his lips. It wasn't Juice's vulnerability that hit him hard; it was the hope that echoed in his words, that was radiating from his face. 

"It's all right kid..." he said, his words sounding suffocating. He pulled the man in a brotherly hug. "I'm proud of you," he said quietly. He himself hadn't been able to really get through to Juice, but Dana had. 

Stepping back from the club was a giant step for every Son. But if Juice needed this break to get his head straight, he knew everyone would support him. 

He let go of the man, a smirk on his face. "So... Dane and you are finally back together?"

"Yeah," he said softly. "It's still hard to believe. But I – I never wanna lose her again."

Kozik chuckled. "Believe me kid, that one's never gonna let you go. Those Lowmans are like pitbulls."

A hint of a smile tugged at Juice's lips. It had been such a long time ago he had seen the boy smile that it had an alienating affect. 

"I'm happy for you man," he said, slapping his shoulder. "You two belong together. But wait until you drag her to the aisle. It's my turn first."

Juice smirked a little stupidly. "We're nowhere near that yet."

Kozik chuckled. "I dare to bet you go down on a knee before the month's over."

He seemed to startle. "You mean – you mean I need to propose to her again?"

In disbelief, Kozik shook his head. "Boy... You've been with two other girls." He smirked. "Of course you need to ask her to marry you again, idiot."