Ghosts ✔

090 • Fye

Juice took a deep breath. He was holding her hand so tight it was starting to hurt and his breathing told her he was close to another panic attack. Maybe this wasn't the right moment – but when would it be the right time? Trying to encourage him, she squeezed his hand.

He didn't look at her, instead he stared at his knees. "After Dana was taken from me, I had trouble sleeping. After a few months I met a girl who told me her boyfriend had died in a car crash and that she had trouble sleeping too. Sharing a bed with someone else helped her. And so, we tried – without having sex. We grew really close and I managed to tell her about Dana."

He took another deep breath and was silent for while, as if he was gathering courage to continue. 

"I started to fall for her and the feelings were mutual, and after a while I moved in with her. But I – I found it hard to be with someone while Dana was held captive. I still drank too much, I beat her up and I was unfaithful. After I went to rehab, things went better. She forgave all the horrible things I'd done, she just... never gave up." His thumb moved towards the tattoo below his other thumb, as if it was giving him strength. "Later I discovered the real reason she never gave up. It wasn't because she loved me, it was because she was spying for Maddox. The man who had abducted Dana, who was raping my girl... He had taken her little sister too, said she had no choice... But I... I lost control and I strangled her. I killed her in my own house while Mikey was just one door away."

By reflex, she pulled back her hand; her stomach was cringing. She had known he had done something horrible, but that he had killed a woman with his bare hands? 

"You regret what you did?" she asked, hesitating. 

He shrugged his shoulders. "Sometimes I do. But most days.... no."

She nodded slowly. It sounded harsh, but it gave her more peace to think that he still stood behind his decision than that it had happened in the heat of the moment. 

"Dana left me a message one day and Lotte erased it. She'd mounted cameras in my house, let me fuck her while she knew... while she knew Maddox would make Dana watch. All that time – all that time she knew how he earned his money and instead of sharing that information with us she let him play her."

Hesitating, her fingers glided back to his hand. She understood him. Killing her hadn't solved anything, but if this had happened to her... she had no idea what she would have done. 

"You think Dana won't understand?" she asked quietly. She was still searching for the real reason why he was walling his heart off from the girl. 

"Dana already knows," he muttered. "She doesn't care. This is about you... about you and me. I beat my former girlfriend, Fye. I – I just think you need to know that."

Pensively, she looked aside. She was convinced that he had changed, he was no longer a drunk. "You think you would ever hit me?"

"I dunno," he whispered, squeezing his fingers. "God I hope not, I really hope I won't. But I – I just don't know. My head is such a mess and I... I just don't know."

She saw how the muscles in his arms tensed, how he was pulling up his shoulders. She felt his self hatred. Slowly, she dropped her head on his shoulder, lifting his hand and pressing a kiss to the back of it. 

"I will never approve of you killing that young woman. But the circumstances were so horrible... I can't judge you."

Finally he looked up, his brown eyes full of doubt and incomprehension. "You really think you can stay with a man who murdered his former girlfriend?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "She betrayed you, she increased the suffering of the girl you loved..." She laid a hand against his cheek. "Juice, I have no ties with Maddox and I think Dana is a sweet girl. I can't think of a reason why I would have to fear you."

She wasn't completely honest now – tonight he had definitely scared her. She however knew there was no point in telling him; he needed to be trusted, needed to know that people still believed in him being a good man.

His fingers wandered across her face and he kissed her forehead before he leaned against it. "You have no idea how blessed I feel for finding you, Fye."

His words warmed her to the core and softly her lips brushed across his. "I'm happy I met you too Juice. It isn't always easy, but I love you and I want to be there for you."

A silence followed her words, one forming a silent question. 

"You wanna know why I can't be with Dana?" Sighing, he rubbed his face. "You remember I told you about Cherry? The girl who turned me over to Maddox on Valentine's Day?"

She nodded slowly. "Yeah... Dana mentioned her today when she was crying and summing up the people she'd lost – she said that Cherry was missing. Despite her betrayal, she still seems to care about her."

Juice's jaw clenched. "Well, she's dead. One day I found her at Dana's grave and I dragged her to the clubhouse where after we voted for her death. Because she was a traitor. Because I'd lost my daughter and fiance because of her. Kozik was the only one who wanted her to live." The lines in his face became harder. "And now I get why. He kept telling me that Dana wouldn't want Cherry to die because she was a victim too, but I didn't care what Dana would think because she was dead. She was dead, just like my little girl. It was Cherry's fault that I'd lost them and I couldn't stand that she was still alive while my girls were gone." His hands cramped up. "But that asshole knew she was still alive, that she might return one day and that she would hate me for killing her best friend to honor her. I didn't care because I thought she was dead. But she ain't dead. She ain't dead." He raised his hands and wiped his eyes. "She lost so many people Fye. She can't know – she can never know what happened to Cherry. And I – I can't hide it from her. The secret will always stand between us, we can never go back to the old days."

Fye dropped her eyes. 

So this was the real reason. He was protecting Dana because he loved her so deeply. And because he couldn't explain himself to her, he tried to keep her away by being a jerk. 

"You love her very much, don't you?" she whispered, flinching a little. 

"Yeah," he answered quietly. "S-sorry Faye. It's not like you're some back-up plan, my feelings for you a true. But she... she was my whole world. I couldn't protect her; and I knew I couldn't trust Cherry and still I allowed her to live in our house. I just... I just don't deserve her. She has to start over with someone else, for she will always remind me of the monster I am. I killed two young women, Fye. And I don't wanna be that guy anymore... you – you make me a better person." He looked up, his eyes wet. "Please – please don't leave me. Dana and I... we need to go in different directions to find our happiness. And I want that. Fye I want to be happy with you. For I believe – I believe you can make me happy and I just – I just hope I can make you happy too."

"I want that too." She leaned into him and kissed his lips. "I want that too sweetheart."

Her hand glided across her stomach, where their little miracle was growing. Would the news contribute to his happiness? It would give him a purpose. But once she had told him, she couldn't take back her words. And all those things he was telling her now where really sweet, but she needed more. She had to know how he would behave the next weeks for she had seen a darkness inside him today. And as much as he wanted to fight it – she wasn't sure he could and she had no idea how to find out. 

But maybe someone else could estimate the effect it would have on him.

Someone who would find it very hard to find out about the baby, but who knew Juice better than she did. Better than anyone did.