Ghosts ✔

046 • Maddox

It was no whim, nor did Maddox have the feeling that she was playacting. Of course he kept that possibility in mind, but during the weeks following their karaoke adventure, he saw a change in her. Never completely – always partially. As if a part of her kept hating him persistently and another part of her was slowly letting go of her dark feelings. 

He knew how it felt to have an inner conflict. The change he saw in himself, hadn't escaped his attention. On the moments they were laughing together he felt... happy. A little uncomfortable because it felt like he had lost control, but it wasn't suffocating him. There was something special between them. He had always known that, but now he truly believed that Dana was starting to feel it too. Maybe some day she would be able to forgive him. 

As he was thinking back to the past weeks, he leaned on his elbow and watched her sleeping face. She looked so peaceful. Before he realized what he was doing, he stroked her soft cheek with the back of his fingers. Tinglings shot through his hand and he held his breathe. She made him feel so... alive.

Her eyes fluttered open. In the dusk she looked for his eyes. For a while she studied his face, as if she was looking for something. In the end she seemed to have found whatever she had been looking for, for she cuddled up to him and pressed her lips against his chin. He wrapped an arm around her.

"Why are you awake?" she asked with a sleepy voice. 

"You're more beautiful than whatever dream."

She rolled her eyes, although a slight smirk crossed her face. After a while it faded, and she heaved a sigh that made the little hairs in his neck rise. 

"What is it?"

She shoved an arm underneath her head as she looked at him. Her fingers laced with his. "All this feels so... ridiculous. I should hate you. I do hate you. But still... I have feelings for you. For a part of you. Sometimes you just seem to have two personalities."

Maddox didn't know what to answer. He experienced the same feeling. That soft side, the side she liked, was new. One he kept secret from the rest of the world, something he saved for her and their future child. While doing business he had to be ruthless, as soon as people started to think that he was weak it would destroy him. 

"I thought uh... Maybe we can think of another name for you? I will always hate Maddox, so I will also hate you as a person. But the hatred... it's wearing me out. It makes me unhappy. So I thought... if I call you different when you're like this... things will get easier for me. I hope."

She didn't look at him. Maddox rolled on his back and stared at the ceiling. There was a nasty feeling in his stomach. "You mean like Smeagol and Gollum? Is that how you see me? A monster and the ghost of the person that monster used to be?"

"I don't wanna see that monster anymore," she said quietly. "I want it to die."

For a long time he was silent as he contemplated her words. "You think I'm insane?" he asked after a while. "That I have some mental illness?"

"You think you haven't?" she asked. 

Her answer made the anger flare up; he wanted to raise his hand and beat the shit out of her because of it. He however resisted the longing and took a few deep breaths until the anger melted away. 

"You think it's normal to lock up your ex at an island? To make her murder her friend? To kill little babies and send their bodies to their fathers?"

"I did it because I love you. Because I want to be with you."

"That doesn't make it normal. Or healthy." Her hand glided away from his. "Yes, I do think you have a psychiatric disorder. Maybe even more than one."