Ghosts ✔

070 • Juice

They went out for a drink a couple more times. Juice noticed that he was looking more and more forward to see Fye; it did him good to know there were still women who were interested in him after wandering around in the darkest regions of life. Not that she knew anything about it. Although there weren't a lot of silences when they were talking, there were a lot of things Juice kept from her. He told her nothing about Lotte and Dana; actually he acted like the past years have never happened. He didn't know if this could lead to anything serious if he kept that part of himself in the dark. At the same time he neither thought that would happen if he completely opened up to her and told her that he hadn't been able to protect his one girlfriend and had killed the other. If anything, he wanted to keep his damaged soul to himself. He wanted her to love the man he was now, not the man who he once was. That was only a shadow, a ghost. A broken men who had died together with the women he'd loved. 

Now he had started over, he had buried his ancient fears deep within him. He had a new rank within the club, had a kid he had to take care of, a new house... and yeah, maybe he should consider the possibility of a new Old Lady as well. That was also part of a new life. 

Deep inside he knew he wanted it. Being together with someone again, sharing that unique thing which he had shared with Dana. The fact that he hadn't experienced that with anyone else, still chained him to his old life. He had to surrender himself to someone else again – which was hard. Actually he wasn't sure how to do it – he had a feeling that their current trail was leading to a friendship and not to something more. Even though they saw each other once or twice a week for a month now, they hadn't even kissed. 

He however did fantasize about it. He wondered how her lips would taste, what her naked body would look like, how it would be to have sex with her. The last time he had banged a Croweater was already two weeks ago – it had left him with a hollow feeling, convincing him that he was looking for something else at the moment. 

He wanted more. 

He wanted her. 

She however had told him she wanted to build things up slowly, and he wasn't sure if she had secretly meant that she wanted to be nothing more than friends now she had gotten to know him a little. 

All in all Juice felt quite insecure when he stood in front of her front door for the first time in his life. She had invited him over for dinner. He hated the prickling sensation in his stomach, underlining his uncertainty – and at the same time it was a relief to feel something else than the anger and the pain that were controlling him for so long. 

The door opened. 

Fye greeted him with a hug and led him inside the house. The smell of food floated towards him, and he muttered that it smelled good. 

"Hopefully it will taste just as good," she said with a smile that made him hold his breath for a moment. "I've tried a new receipt, it's something Indian. I'm going to put it in the oven, you can sit down on the couch, I'll get us a glass of wine."

Still feeling uncomfortable, he did as she asked and took in the cozy living room. From where he was sitting he could see her being busy in the kitchen; her blond curls bouncing up and down with every movement she made. Now and then he saw her lips move; the fact that she was talking to herself made him smile. 

. . .

It didn't take long before the uneasiness slipped away. During dinner they were calling up high school memories and there after she showed him some of her most recent photo reports. The way her eyes lit up and her face beamed as she talked about her trips, caused him to rather look at her instead of at the pictures and when she noticed, she showed him a shy smile.