Ghosts ✔

029 • Dana

Dana knew she had no choice.

She tried to look at the bright side: she could spend more time with Kip. Maddox allowed him to touch her, to make love to each other – a longing that had grown stronger and stronger the past months. Of course they had to create the impression that they hated to have sex with each other, but she knew Maddox found it hard to share her and it would hurt him too much to watch them. Knowing him, he would tell himself that there was no intimacy between them, like he had created all those other lies he truly believed in. 

Quietly, she closed the door behind her. She had no idea how to tell Kip about Maddox's wish. His feelings of guilt where darkening his world – since Tabitha had died, he seemed to have even suffered worse than she. He blamed himself, he blamed himself for every horrible act taking place in this house. He still believed that he should be some invincible hero, a true Son. That there was no Son who had ever been able to stand up against Maddox, didn't seem to land.

Kip glanced briefly at her as she entered the room, then he bent his head again. His defeat reminded her of Juice. Seeing men who had once been so strong, so shattered now caused a lump in her throat. She sat down next to him, taking his hand in hers. His fingers felt heavy, lifeless. 

"Maddox wants me to get pregnant again. He – he wants to be a family."

Kip sighed, staring at the chain around his ankle. "Well that's not a surprise. He wants to claim you in every possible way."

"He can't have children himself, Kip. He wants... us to..." She closed her eyes.

His fingers tensed underneath hers. "What... what do you mean?" His voice was just a weak whisper, matching his emaciated body. 

"He wants you – or one of the guards – to be his sperm donor, after which he will pretend that he was the one impregnating me."

Kip was silent for a long time. He didn't curse, he didn't even made a comment about how crazy Maddox was. They already knew that – nothing should surprise them anymore.

Skittishly, Dana looked to the side. "Will you do it?" she asked quietly. "I get it if you don't want to."

"What if I don't want it?" His voice sounded embittered. "Will he let the guards rape you?"

"I guess," she muttered. "And he also made very clear that you will no longer be of use to him."

He gritted his teeth. Dana knew dying would be a relief for him, but at the same time he hated that thought. For a Son, suicide was one of the most dishonorable things in the world.

"This is so fucked up," he said in a graveled voice, desperately raking his fingers through his hair. "Where do all those insane ideas come from?"

Dana had no answer. A little awkwardly she shifted her foot across the floor. She felt stupid for thinking this would be easy, for thinking they could enjoy this intimacy. Kip didn't want her – and with good reason. She had dragged him into this misery, she was the one who had once been in love with this psycho.

"I never expected him to allow you to sleep with someone else. And especially not with me."

She shrugged her shoulders. "He wants me to feel comfortable, he believes that will increase the chance that I will get pregnant." She stared at the ground. "And he knows that you don't want to touch me. That the idea to have sex with me disgusts you."

Kip didn't disagree, and unexpectedly that knowledge stung. In fact, he wasn't saying anything at all, he just stared forward, defeated. 

"What happens when you get pregnant?" he asked quietly after a long time. "If we will have a baby? What will he do with it, if he loses his temper again? What will he do with me, once the baby is born? He will never tolerate me, he will kill me."

"He will also kill you if we don't do this," she muttered.

"Maybe that's for the best."

Dana looked up to him, but he avoided her glance. He was messed up, he knew they would never leave this place. If it was up to him, all this would end today – and keeping him alive just to decrease her loneliness was selfish beyond words. "Okay. I get it. Then uh, then I'll ask him to send one of the guards."

She wanted to stand up, but he squeezed her hand and looked at her. Tears were shining in his eyes. "No..."

"It's okay," she assured him with a calmness surprising herself. "It won't mean anything. It won't be that different from all the times Maddox was raping me. I never should have burdened you with this."

Again she tried to get on her feet, but he was still holding her hand tightly. "Do you want it to be my child?"

"I do," she said honestly. "You are the only father he or she can be proud of." She took a deep breath and pulled through: "I want to tell him or her that I loved the father, that it wasn't a cold transaction, no forced deed. Which it is, of course – but it's more. I want you to touch me, Kip. I want you to kiss me, to feel your hands all over my body, I want you to love me. Somehow I hoped that you wanted that too – that we would be able to forget about all the horror we're in, that the world outside the bedroom just disappears for an hour. It's an illusion – I know that, and the idea of touching me is probably disgusting you but..."

"I'm in love with you, Dana," he blurted out. 

"W-what?" she asked a little overwhelmed.

"Touching you would never disgust me, whatever others do to you. That changes nothing about the wonderful person you are. Somewhere during the past months I have fallen in love with you and I would want to love you if nobody forced us to do so, if I wasn't betraying my brother..."

"Juice is with someone else too," she said softly, hoping it would decrease the guilt he was feeling. She hadn't told him before, she hadn't said a word about the room in which Maddox had locked her up. "They're together for a few weeks now. Maddox made me watch them while they were having sex." She dropped her eyes. "It's okay. I'm glad he's moving on. I'm gone for a year now and I don't think I'll ever see him again." Even the knowledge that his new girlfriend worked for Maddox, didn't alter her feelings. She had seen the panic on the girl's face when she found Juice lifelessly on the ground. Maddox could tell her whatever he wanted, but Dana knew the girl did care about Juice and there was no doubt in her heart that Maddox was pressuring her, was threatening her like he had done with Cherry.

She searched for Kip's eyes, which were expressing confusion now. "I want to move on too. I want you, Kip. For as long as it may last. It wasn't any different with Juice – I knew it would end like this and still I enjoyed every moment with him. Those are the best memories of my life, they made my life worth living. You are my only light in this place, and I'm your only light. Can't we shine together? Create something beautiful, even if we have to stay in the shadows?" She straddled on his lap. The whirl of emotions he must be feeling, almost overflowed his eyes. She laid a hand on his neck and kissed him, putting the last warm feelings she had into it. "There's only a little bit of love left inside me and I want to give it to you, Kip," she whispered. "Before that dies too."

For a moment she held her breath, afraid he would still push her away. Then he raised his head a little and kissed her back – carefully and tender. 

It was a brief kiss; their tongues had just met when he pulled back his face and looked at her. "I want you too," he said softly. "For as long as it lasts."

The first shaky smile since Tabitha's passing reached her lips. It was reflected on Kip's lips too and for a moment – for a very brief moment, the subsequent kiss wiped away all the horrible memories and fears.