Ghosts ✔

080 • Juice

Juice stared into his coffee mug. Tonight he hadn't slept at all; his mind had been racing with all the things he had discovered yesterday. By morning, most of the anger had subsided. He still found it hard that she had faked her death, willingly causing him so much pain. But if that was the only way to convince Maddox that she wouldn't try to escape again, he understood her decision. She had rather wanted him to lose her temporary than forever. 

So yeah – he understood her, even though it didn't take the anger and pain away. He was just a mess. He had been like that since she was taken from him and deep down he didn't believe he would ever become his old self again. How could he? Finding the mutilated body of his little girl, Dana's kidnapping, the murder of Lotte and later of Cherry – all those things had marked him forever. No matter how broken he was, he didn't want her trying to fix him. If he was honest, he couldn't picture a life in which he could make her happy. He was a monster. She had finally escaped from a sociopath, should she really commit herself to another one? He was no longer who she thought he was. 

It was over, the man she had loved was dead. He was only a ghost; a ghost whispering in his ear that he loved Dana deeply and that he should let her go. She had to find a nice guy, a normal guy. 

She would never accept his words; he had to show her what a monster he was. He had to persist yesterday's behavior, even when it hurt her. In the end she would become sick of him; she would see the monster he had become. Then she would let him go too. 

Was it fair to Fye? 

Maybe not. 

But his feelings for Dana had always been there, that hadn't changed. And he loved Fye – in a way. Just not as much as he loved Dana – but he never wanted to love someone so much again. It had destroyed him. It was his love for Dana what had destroyed him. If that happened to him again, nothing would be left of him. 

The doorbell made him look up. It was close to 9, who the hell would stop by that early? Before he could get up, Fye did. Her curls bounced around her shoulders as she walked to the front door. 

He heard soft voices, footsteps. 

When Dana entered the room, he could only stare at her. It was still unbelievable that she had returned and he felt his heart jump. She was wearing a green blouse, reminding him of the blouse she wore when they were playing strippoker. It felt like a lifetime ago. Oh, how he wanted to sit down with her on the couch, be twenty nine again and unbutton the piece of clothe? And all he was actually doing, was hurting her. 

But it was better if she bit the bullet now instead of trying to be in a relationship with him again and discovering the monster inside him. She deserved a sweeter, a nicer man. Not a man who had shot her best friend through her head without a shred of remorse. 

"What do you want?" he asked. 

Miraculously, he managed to keep his voice in control. It didn't shake and sounded bored. 

"I need to tell you something. Can we uh – can we talk somewhere in private?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever it is, Fye can listen too." With his eyes he motioned his girlfriend to sit down next to him. 

Dana seemed confused for a moment, then she nodded and sat down across from him. Although he was aware of how uncomfortable Fye felt, he grabbed her hand and rested it on the table, hoping the affection would startle Dana. 

His heart however was crying when she showed him a sad smile. Even when provoking her, she didn't get upset, she didn't become angry. She was so sweet, so friendly. He was so unworthy of her.