Ghosts ✔

035 • Juice

The past months Juice had been confronted with a lot of different emotions, but the last time he had felt nervous he couldn't remember. And the last time he had held a bouquet of roses in his hands, was even further in the past. He couldn't remember he had ever given them to Dana.

His hands were clammy while he was waiting in the lobby of the clinic, his bags lying next to him on the floor. Three weeks had passed since he had seen her – her face all bruised because he hadn't controlled his anger. Twice she had tried to visit him, but he had refused to see her and he had only answered her texts sporadically. 

Not because she had done anything wrong, but because he couldn't handle the shame. After what he had done to her, he didn't dare to look her in the eye again. The conversation with Dana however had encouraged him to ask for another chance. He knew Lotte deserved a lot better than him, but still... still he hoped for her forgiveness.

He missed her. Which was conflicting, since he also missed Dana. Still he kept repeating the words she had spoken to him; that he had to collect victories, that he had to share his love with someone, that she wanted him to build a future with someone else. He found it hard – but he wanted to try it nevertheless. For her.

And so he hadn't objected when Lotte had asked him to pick him up when he was dismissed from the clinic. 

His eyes shot to the door when it was opened. A warm feeling erupted in his chest – it felt new, making him a little shy. This time he didn't fight it; there was no nasty voice whispering that he was betraying Dana.

A shiver crept down his spine when their eyes met and she gave him a warm smile. Raising himself he wanted to kiss her cheek, but she gave him a squeezing hug. A little awkwardly he held her close, the bouquet of roses pressed to her back. 

"Umm these are for you," he muttered, holding out the flowers. He wanted to tell her how much regret he felt, but he knew this wasn't the best place for it. 

"That's really sweet." With a smile she looked up to him. 

Juice didn't know how to react and instead of saying something, he picked up his bag and headed outside. 

"Actually eh, actually I'd like to take you somewhere," he said after putting his bags in the trunk. 

"Oh!" Her eyes were shining.

He didn't understand why she looked so happy and it still took a lot of effort to look her in the eye. The last time he had done that, her eyelids had been a dark purple and swollen. 

"You drive?"

Juice nodded hesitantly and took the key from her. 

Luckily it was a short drive, for the silence between them made him nervous. It however didn't seem to bother Lotte; as always she was so patient that it gave him the shivers. 

Fifteen minutes later he parked the car close to the beach. He didn't know exactly why he had wanted to go there. Maybe because Dana had been sitting on the beach, the last time he had spoken to her. Somehow he hoped to feel connected to her, as if she would give them her blessing. 

As soon as the sand was beneath their feet, his hand laced with Lotte's. She gave him a soft squeeze. At a quiet spot he sat down and stared at the waves. 

For a while they were sitting there in silence, until he realized the words he wanted to say to her wouldn't slip his lips themselves. Turning towards her, he rubbed his thumb across hers. "I'm so sorry for what I did to you, Lotte. I barely dare to look at you, actually I would want to tell you to stay far away from me..." He took a deep breath. "I know our relationship has always been difficult. Especially because I still... love Dana. But she's not here, and you are..." Hesitating he searched her eyes; there was a friendly look in them. "I wanna be with you," he said, his voice shaking. "I don't know if you'd still want that or that you rather stay friends – if you want that at all. But still... still I want to ask you to become my girl. My old lady."

She raised his hand and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. "You know I love you." For a moment she was silent. Nervously he drew lines in the sand with the fingers of his free hand. There was obviously a 'but' on the way.

"I'm really relieved that you went into rehab and I can see that you have changed... and I don't want to doubt you but I do fear that you will fall into old habits."

Juice nodded slowly. He understood. "Usually I'd been afraid of that too. But I spoke to Dana on the phone last week. It was a difficult and heartbreaking conversation, but it did give me peace. She said – she said that I shouldn't wait for her. She wants me to be happy with someone else – with you. And she told me that I don't have to feel ashamed of my feelings for someone else and that it will be good for me. That I will fight Maddox by falling in love again, by moving on."

To his surprise, a tear rolled down her cheek. She turned her face away from him and took a deep breath. A little overwhelmed Juice stared at her, not knowing what to say.

"Sorry," she muttered, wiping her eyes. "More than half a year I've tried to help you get you life back, and it's just... hard that you feel so peaceful after one call with her. She has to be very special..."

Juice dropped his eyes, her absence eating his heart. "Yeah. She is." Shakily, he breathed in, then he softly squeezed her hand. "I have no words to express how grateful I am for everything you did for me, Lotte. You've been of a great help, no less than Dana. But I think I just needed to hear these words from her... that she wants me to let her go. That she's okay with me falling in love with someone else." He gathered his courage, told himself once more that Dana supported this and added: "You were right when you said that I cheated on you because my feelings for you were bothering me. I know my heart was numb the past months, but somehow you managed to get in. And I felt ashamed of it since it felt like I was betraying Dana. But now – now I see that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and that she doesn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't know if you still want me..." He looked up to her. "But I do want you." With his thumb he stroked her cheek; he felt how she shivered, it felt like their last touch was months ago. "And I hope that you can forgive me. For the pain I caused you."

She laid her hand across his. For a moment he was afraid she would pull it away, then she shoved it a little to the side, so her lips were touching his fingers. 

"I forgive you, Juice," she said softly. "I want to be your girl."

She held his glance, then she leaned into him and softly kissed his lips. For a moment his heart ached, like this kiss was a definitive goodbye to Dana. 

Then he cupped her jaw with his other hand and kissed her back. Tenderly, lovingly; carefully allowing the feelings he had banished for months.