Ghosts ✔

081 • Fye

It wasn't that long ago that she had moved in with him; only a couple of weeks. At that time she hadn't doubted her decision for a minute. And now she was taking a pile of clothes from the closet to put them in her travel bag. She was almost done packing when she heard footsteps stopping right behind her. 

"What are you doing?"

His voice sounded emotional. When she turned around, she noticed that his eyes were red. He had cried. Immediately she felt the urge to wrap her arms around him, but she knew it weren't her arms he needed. 

"I'm going to my sister for a while."

He stepped into the room. "I'm sorry Fye. For screaming at you. I was – it's just..." He heaved a deep sigh. 

"I know, it's complicated. That's why you need some space. You have to figure this out with Dana, Juice."

"There's nothing to figure out. I want you, Fye." Coming closer to her, he grabbed her hand. "Fye, I want you."

She looked into his eyes. Its brownness gleamed because of the stormy emotions he was feeling. "But why, Juice? I saw you mourn for Dana, I saw you at her grave. I know you love her. I don't belong here; you two belong together."

"But I want you," he repeated stubbornly. "I don't care what Dana wants. I moved on."

"You haven't moved on at all. Your puffy eyes tell me you cried a few minutes ago. Why did you scream at her? I could her your yelling upstairs and you said really hurtful things to her. Why are you doing this to her?"

"She has a fucking kid with Kip!"

Fye sighed. All he was doing, was coming up with new excuses. She just didn't understand. Dana had been very reasonable, if she was honest she seemed to be a type that knew how to deal with Juice. 

"So what are you trying to say?" she asked. "The fact that she was with someone else during the four years she was held captive is the reason you want me to stay? Because you're mad at her? I saw what you were trying, Juice. You tried to hurt her by holding my hand the whole time. I don't want a relationship like that. You can't use me to hurt another girl, and especially not a girl who's already been through hell! I'm going to my sister for a few weeks and I hope that you two use that time to figure out how much you still love each other. I don't wanna be the third wheel and I certainly don't want you to order me around like I'm some damn slave!"

He hung his head. "I liked what we had, Fye," he said quietly. "I don't want to lose that. I can't help how I feel; my chest is just filled with rage the moment I see her. She wanted me to move on, I did and now she just walks into my life again and pretends nothing has changed! Being together with her would only hurt me. It would be a constant memory of all those awful years. I need you Fye." He looked up to her and laid a hand against her cheek. "I need you. You're not connected to all that misery."

For a while she looked at him. It was hard to tell if he was completely honest with her, but his words didn't leave her untouched. His glance slid away as if he felt uncomfortable and again he rubbed the tattoo on his hand with his thumb, as if it was a stain he tried to wipe away. "If you really need me, you will have to allow my help. You will have to talk to me. For example, you have to tell me the meaning of that tattoo."

And there we go again. He clenched his fists, the muscles in his arms tensing. She was already preparing for the umpteenth I don't wanna talk about it-snark, but to her surprise he sat down on the bed and pulled her next to him. "Okay," he said softly. "You're right." Bending his head, he stared at the ink. "The first days after Dana disappeared... all I did was drink and popping pills. I was just sitting in the middle of my room, Kozik was the only one who stopped by now and then. One day he pulled me out of it and told me to man up. Said Dana was countin' on me." He sighed. "Dana loved archery, and soon after our engagement she gave me a ring consisting of an arrow."

She had seen that one, only by now she realized he had taken it off. 

"She said it symbolized protection. That we would protect each other as husband and wife. For me, the arrow also symbolized a compass; to have a goal... It was a reminder that I could never give up the search, that I could never wither away in self-pity again."

Fye squeezed his hand. "So why are you giving her up now? At the last moment?"

"Because I will never get her back. Not truly. Every day I will be reminded of the pain that scars us, of the things we lost. Among which our daughter. I don't want to try to fix something that is so broken. I've started over with you, Fye. I want to move on with you." He looked up to her. "Could you – could you please stay with me?"

It was a long time ago she had seen this soft, emotional and needy side of him and she became all wet inside. She could no longer resist, even though she knew deep inside that Juice might change his mind once he had gotten used to the idea that Dana was back. Giving him up already however felt too soon. Telling him about the baby too. His outburst had startled her and since she had heard rumors about his violent nature in the past, she first wanted to see more of his mood swings to decide if their baby would be safe around him at all. 

. . .

A few days passed by. Things were quiet. They were putting up decorations in the clubhouse; tonight there was a party because of Happy and Tig's release. Juice and Fye were both inflating balloons when Dana entered the room. It was no surprise; she had already seen Casper strolling around the clubhouse, helping his father by handing him things. Dana smiled at her when their eyes met, but she didn't walk over to them. For Juice it was enough to be distracted; the way he was breathing already told her how stressed he felt and soothingly she rubbed his back. 

In silence they continued their activities. When they went outside to drink a beer an hour later, Dana walked up to them. Her demeanor told Fye that she found it hard, but she pulled through nevertheless. 

"Hey." She sat down on the bench attached to the picknick table while Fay and Juice were sitting on the table top. Her eyes fluttered from Juice to Fye and back. Fye could feel her nervousness. "I wondered uh – do you want to go to Tabitha's grave with me?"

Next to her, Fye felt her boyfriend freeze. She laid her hand on his knee, giving him a reassuring squeeze. She thought it would be good for them to do that together. He could keep ignoring her rudely, but they shared a pain nobody else truly understood. 

"Or could you at least show me where it is?" Dana tried cautiously. 

She bit her lip when Juice refused to look at her and kept staring persistently at the ground. 

"Why don't you ask Kozik? He knows where the grave is too," he said eventually. After these words he got up and walked away. 

Fye's heart broke when Dana wrapped her arms around herself, looking lost. She understood why the girl didn't want to go there on her own and Juice's response had been very heartless. 

Getting up, she turned towards Dana a little awkwardly. "Umm... I can go with you if you like?" 

She blushed when Dana looked at her. Was it a stupid suggestion? Did it sound mean, since she was with Juice now? 

To her relief, Dana's lips bent into a small smile. "Yeah, I would like that. Thanks." She took Fye's hand and squeezed. "And thank you for being such a great support to Juice. I know it's not always easy."

"I'm doing the best I can." A bit shyly Fye smiled back. Dana was so sincere and gentle for someone who had been abused for years... She never met such a strong woman before. She squeezed her hand too, sensing that Dana could use a friend. 

And she could use one too. 

Now and then it would be a relief to talk with someone who understood Juice better than she did. Even when it was his ex girlfriend.