Ghosts ✔

111 • Fye

Fye stared at the dark ceiling. She had rolled up her nightgown, her hand resting on her stomach. She could feel the small bump. She felt guilty. Today she had her first ultrasound – and Juice hadn't been there. Today's appointment was supposed to be a big stick, the ultimate deadline. 

Still, the truth hadn't passed her lips. And now, telling him about her pregnancy was harder than ever. Actually she was just waiting until he noted the baby bump himself, that was easier. Would he forgive her? Would he sent her away? Maybe that was what she was hoping for. That he would do what she couldn't: break up. She had been close to breaking up with him a few times now, but he was trying so hard... She knew he was in a deep valley again, that he was depressed. Instead of becoming a slave of alcohol again, he had a new obsession – physical exercising. He did it for her and for Mikey. He was tormenting himself; he came home late, feeling so exhausted he fell asleep right away. 

The front door closed. She rolled down her nightgown, and turned on her side. His footsteps came closer, went to the bathroom. The door closed. Water was turned on. 

Fye closed her eyes. A tear slipped between her eyelashes. It were the hormones, she told herself, things weren't that bad...

Ten minutes later he quietly entered the room. A nervous knot appeared in her stomach, speeding up her breathing. Would he just fall asleep again, without acknowledging her at all? She was craving for a touch, for a little bit of love. 

Whether he sensed it, longed for it himself or her breathing simply told him that she was still awake; he snuggled up to her, being the big spoon. He wrapped an arm around her and pressed a kiss to her shoulder. The touch, no matter how small, made her tingle from top to toe. She knew it was a symptom of their dysfunctional relationship, but because of their many ups and downs it felt like she fell in love with him over and over again, always longing for a new first kiss. Her hand glided to his biceps and she pulled his arm closed around her. He didn't say a word, he just held her. Fye was glad about it. What was there still to say? She knew how hollow he felt, that he was plagued by flashbacks. Sometimes he woke up in cold sweat, in panic because he believed he had lost Dana. Some nights he was convinced that she was kidnapped, that he had to find her – and at others, he believed she was still dead; that her whole return had been a fantasy because he couldn't handle reality. 

It hurt her to see him suffer like that, to feel his longing to Dana and to know her friend longed for him too. More and more often she wondered if their struggle was even worth it. Their love was so strong... she actually believed Dana would forgive Juice for killing her friend. 

But Juice... She just couldn't convince him to tell her. He was so obsessed with not causing her more pain and he was so sure that Kip could give her what she needed that he happily sacrificed his own happiness. 

And hers. 

The grasp around her body weakened – he had fallen asleep. Fye didn't know if she minded. There was something sweet about it; his need to hold her. It was better than trying to escape the emptiness by fucking her. 

But she knew things couldn't go on like this. It tore her up, it tore him up... It would tear up their child. Somebody needed to be strong, and even though all Sons knew what was going on, not one of them was strong enough to say what needed to be said. And therefore, Fye decided to do it herself. 

. . . 

Ever since Dana had left Charming, Fye had kept up appearances that everything went well between Juice and her. She didn't want to burden her friend with it, who was trying so hard to start over with Kip. But no matter how hard she tried; she belonged with Juice. 

Fye finally realized that too. 

The next time Dana and Fye were meeting somewhere in Tacoma to have a drink, it however was Dana who confronted her with her lies. 

"Juice isn't doing well at all, huh?" she asked quietly. 

Fye dropped her eyes. "Did Kozik tell you?"

"Happy did."

She sighed. "I wanted to give you and Kip a real chance. I thought things would be easier for you if you thought Juice was doing well."

Dana bent her head. Her thumb brushed her ring finger which had once been adorned by an engagement ring. "Happy says he's... like a ghost. Empty, extinguished."

"He misses you," she admitted. "He has a lot of flashbacks, believing you're dead, or held captive and raped. He exercises around five hours a day to silence his thoughts, but there isn't much he can do about the nightmares. He often wakes up terrified."

She saw how her words made Dana cramp up and she took her hand to give it a squeeze. "I'm giving up on him, Dana. I can't make him happy. It's you his heart is beating for."

"It's too late now," she muttered.

"Is it too late, Dana? You're not happy because he's not happy. You need him. He needs you. You two belong together. Deep down you both know it. I know it – and I guess Kip knows it too."

"But he gave up on me," she muttered. "I don't understand why, but he doesn't want me anymore." She wiped a few tears from her cheek. 

"He's afraid to hurt you." Fye took a deep breath. "He did something he's trying to hide from you. Something he believe will break you. He's afraid that you will hate him, that you will hate everyone connected to the club. That's the real reason he can't be with you anymore, Dane. He's rather miserable than risking to hurt you again. And he knows he can't keep it from you once you're together. You know him too well."

Dana looked up, her eyes full of emotion. "But what is he hiding?" She drank from her glass as if her throat was too sore to talk. "I've seen him at his worst. I know what he did to Lotte – I've seen it."

"It's not about Lotte." Fye paused, gathering her courage. It however was easier than she expected, it just needed to get out. Sooner or later, the truth will out. "He killed Cherry."

The glass apple juice slipped out of her hand and shattered on the ground. "W-what?"

"He saw her at your grave, dragged her into the clubhouse and put a bullet in her head."

Dana's face turned pale. Disgust filled her eyes. 

And right at that moment, Fye realized the guys had been right. 

Some horrors are better left buried.