Ghosts ✔

024 • Juice

Juice had no idea how he had gone through the past couple of days. His eyes were stinging because he hadn't slept since Dana's voicemail message. His body felt heavy – really heavy. Still the redeeming darkness didn't show itself while the fear was wrapping itself tighter and tighter around him. 

Her attempt to escape had failed, that was the only possible explanation for them not hearing from her again. The first day after the call he had hoped that her phone had been dead, but in the meantime she should have reached the mainland and there were phones everywhere.

No, they had failed to take out all the guards. And the thoughts about what Maddox would do to her in his rage, paralyzed him, showing him horrible images all day long, leaving him unable to do anything. 

From the dark corner of the bar where he was drinking his scotch, he felt that someone was watching him. As he turned his face to the side, he saw Lotte, cowered in the shadows, just like him. When their eyes met, she dropped hers immediately. 

Juice suppressed a sigh. He still had to apologize to her – after the other night he hadn't talked to her again. He didn't even know what was holding him back. Shame? Because of how he had treated her, or because Dana knew about it? Whatever it might be, he still owed her an apology; the past month she had been really good to him. He glided off the bar stool, the wobbly steps he was taking told him that the alcohol and his tiredness weren't the perfect combination. Or maybe they were. Maybe he would finally pass out.

"Hey," he said a little awkwardly as he had approached her. 

She looked up briefly, then she turned her face away. Apparently he had hurt her deeply. But she knew what Dana meant to him, right? She shouldn't be that surprised that he had flown off? 

"Can we talk?" He looked around, talking to her while having the feeling that someone was reporting all his movements to Maddox, made him feel uncomfortable. 

"Isn't that what we're doing right now?"

 When he didn't answer, she stood up sighing, muttered something he didn't understand and headed outside where no others were around. There she sat down on the picknick table. He hoisted himself on the wood next to her. For a moment his eyes flashed to her hand and he felt the urge to grab it, but he shook off the feeling. 

"I'm sorry."

"About what exactly?" she answered embittered. "You took quite some time to think about it."

"For calling you a whore," he muttered ashamed. "You're not."

"I was, in your eyes. You just continued when I told you that you were hurting me. I was just a body for you, a way to get rid off your frustration."

Juice bent his head. "That wasn't how it started. I don't know what happened. I liked stroking your body but suddenly I just lost control. I'm sorry, Lotte. I really am." Skittishly, he looked at her. Her hurt face didn't leave him indifferent. The emotions were still so high that a lump appeared in his throat. "I miss you," he admitted quietly. 

Even though it called up mixed feelings, he wished that she would wrap her soft arms around him, that he could hide his face in her blonde hair. 

"You miss her."

"I do." There were no doubt about that. It had been Dana who had been stuck in his head the past days, and not Lotte. "A human being can miss more than one person."

Lotte stared at her knees. She looked so hurt and sad and he knew it was his fault. 

"I deleted the voicemail message."

It was nothing but a whisper, but it felt like the earth was erupting and he grabbed the edge of the picknick table. "W-what? Why would you do such a thing?"

She avoided his glance. "Because I have fallen in love with you. I don't know what I was thinking, I did it before I realized it. Maybe I was afraid that your feelings for her would flame up again, or maybe I just wanted to spare you the heartache when things would go wrong. Which they did. If Kozik hadn't barged into your room, then you wouldn't have been so upset now. You were getting better."

Juice clenched his fists and relaxed his fingers again to keep himself from punching her in the face. Various emotions raged through him; an immense relief because Dana didn't hate him, anger because Lotte had the raw nerve to touch his phone, surprise because she dared to confess this to him... It was this last astonishment that made him stare forward. 

"What did she say?" he asked in a raspy voice. 

"She snapped the moment she said 'hey'." Lotte heaved a sigh. "She said that she misses you terribly, and that not an hour passes without thinking about you and that she loves you a lot." She wiped her eyes. Juice noticed his own eyes had become wet too. "You have a little girl. And she said that you were the one helping her to pull through and that she can't wait until you hold her in your arms again."

The moment he heard about his daughter, he started to cry. Lotte's hand glided soothingly across his back, although he didn't know if he hated her right now or not. 

"I'm so sorry. I feel so ashamed. It's tearing me apart for days, even when I was angry because you had pushed me away. I was a jealous bitch – no, much worse."

She could have kept the truth to herself. She could have kept him in the dark, hoping that his feelings for her would grow. Instead of doing so, she had taken this risk, telling him what she had done. Taking into account his current temper, it took a lot of courage and despite his anger he appreciated her honesty. 

"I tried to be a good friend for you, but I can no longer deny my own feelings. I get it if you don't want to see me anymore," she muttered. 

He swallowed, wiping a few tears from his cheeks. "I meant what I said. I miss you."

She looked up to him. For a moment his breathing faltered as their eyes locked. Even now, after what she had done, after what he had done, he was drawn to her lips. Proof of how fucked up he was. There was not one emotion he could control these days, and the longing for solace was stronger than everything else. 

"Juice!" a voice called from the doorway. 

A little relieved, Juice tore away his glance and turned around. It was Chucky, who was holding a packet in his hands with the seize of a shoe box. "I've found this in the office. Think I forgot I put it there earlier today."

Juice raised an eyebrow. What should he do with it? 

"Your name is on it," the man stated. "Juan Carlos Ortiz. That's you, right?"

His stomach cramped. Nobody called him that way. His muscles tensed, he couldn't get up. What was in it? A body part of Dana?

"Take it easy..." Lotte took his hand. "It can be anything."

Juice didn't even feel her touch, he felt nothing but a horrific fear.