Ghosts ✔

114 • Juice

Nevertheless, his fingers were trembling as he took the call and pressed the device against his ear. He bent his knees and stared down. "Hey," he whispered. 

"Juice! Thank god!!" Her voice sounded emotional, making the hairs on his arms rise. "Where are you?"

Her question confused him. Why would she care where he was? She should insult him, should express her hatred. "I'm alone," he muttered.

"You took pills?"

"W-what?" His stomach cringed. 

"Last time you tried to kill yourself with pills. You did it again this time?"

"No," he muttered. He ran a hand across his mohawk – the conversation had taken a whole different turn. 

"Where are you?" she asked again. 

He was silent for a while. Still, he couldn't think of a reason to lie. "At the lake where I scattered Lotte's ashes."

"I'm on my way to you."

His hand was shaking so heavily the phone almost slipped from between his fingers. "Why?" he whispered. 

Suddenly she started to sob. "Because I'm worried, Juice. I feel... I can feel the fight inside your head."

Hearing her pain, caused his own tears to roll down his cheeks. "I don't wanna hurt anyone anymore," he sobbed. "If I'm no longer here..."

"That's how you will hurt me, Juice. You will cause me more pain than anyone ever did."

He flinched. "You should hate me," he whispered. "You should hate me Dana."

"I love you. I still love you and I will always love you. Please baby. Don't let me find your body when I get there."

His mind simply couldn't understand. How could she still love him? 

A deep, intense silence fell. He still heard her sobs; the background noises told him she was driving. 

"How did you plan to do it?"

Juice stared at the weapon in his lap. "I was waiting... for the last sun rays." He wiped his eyes. "I took my gun with me."

"You still want to end your life? Now you know – now you know I still love you? Now you know how much pain you would cause me?"

"No." He bit his lip. "But I... I neither know if this is real. Dana would – Dana would never forgive me. For what I did to Cherry."

"I never said I forgave you. But that doesn't mean that I don't love you or that I want you to hurt yourself. I – I need you Juice. I feel hollow without you, incomplete like half of my soul is just... ripped away. I know you feel it too. Give me – please give me a chance before you give up. I believe we can conquer the darkness inside you. I still believe in our love. That it can heal our wounds, that we can be together again. Please baby, throw that gun in the lake, wait for me and... and give us a chance. Give us a chance after everything we've been through – so all our suffering wasn't in vain." She paused, then she whispered: "So that our baby didn't die for nothing."

A sharp pang went through his midriff and he squeezed his eyes shut. The pain festered through every cell of his body. 

Our baby. 

"I'm a monster Dana," he whispered. 

"There's a monster inside you," she corrected him. "And he can come out. I believe we can get him out." She was silent for a while. Juice was quietly sobbing, tears kept rolling down his cheeks. "Do you love me, Juice? Do you really love me?"

It was the only thing Juice was sure of right now. "I love you more than anything or anyone in the world."

"You love me more than you hate yourself?"

He bent his head and whispered. "I don't know."

"It's a choice you have to make. Do you choose love or do you choose hate?"

"Love," he murmured. "I choose love."

"Then walk to the waterfront and throw the gun as far as you can. Do it for me, Juice, if you can't do it for yourself. Do it for me and for Tabitha."

He wanted it – he wanted to walk to the shore and do what she told him, but his limbs were heavy as lead and it felt like a dark force was pushing him down. Icy goosebumps spread across his arms. For a moment it felt like there was another presence, as if his darkness had found a way out. 

He thought about Maddox, about the maniacal smirk on his face when he had been up at the pulpit, looking down at him like the supreme demon he was. 

That day, Maddox had won. 

And now, it felt like the man was standing in front of him again – the man who had taken everything from him. 

Again he was bound, again he could only face his defeat. 

Maddox is gone, Juice. A whisper swirled around him like a breath of wind. Break your ties to him. Shake off his darkness. Walk to the water and throw the gun in it. 

"Okay." His lips were trembling, his whole body shaking as he got on his feet. It were heavy steps, like he was struggling through a swamp, but he kept going until he reached the waterfront. "I'm on the water," he said quietly. 

"I'm proud of you, my love. Throw it in the water."

And so he did. He swung the gun as far as he could. Right after that, he dropped down in the grass and started to cry – cry like he hadn't done in months. 

For the first time in his life, it felt liberating. 

. . . 

Hey all! 
A little bit of light for them. <3

I also started a Mayans/SOA crossover called 'Pariah'. Feel free to check it out if you want to read more of me. (: