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| saturday january 15 9:37 AM |
i pull into cindys drive way and stare up at her house. her mom wasn't her, cindy car was the only one in the drive way. what if she's not even home yet, it's kind of early and she left with nia and sammy. i pick up my phone and look at our messages. i've sent her at least ten and i've called her multiple times but she still hasn't picked up yet. i don't blame her, especially after how i acted. usually i wouldn't want to do this.. be here with the girl i caught with. usually i just cut them off, but this one isn't a usually. this one is one i care about... a lot. one i do not want to lose with everything in me. this one means so much to me and we haven't even been something for that long.
i shut off my car and slowly make my way to her front door. i sigh and knock on cindys door, actually becoming nervous to see her. i was a complete dick last night, the least i could do is explain myself to her. she deserves it more than anything. the door swings open revealing a messy haired cindy in a long t shirt and socks. she looked beautiful. she always does. she doesn't even have to try. it makes me mad knowing i treated her like that last night, i shouldn't have. someone like her doesn't deserve that, no one does.
she rolls her eyes and starts to shut the door causing me to react quickly and place my hand on it to stop it from shutting. "cindy please." i beg. i can't leave here knowing i didn't do everything i could to try and fix this. i wouldn't be able to do it. the remorse would actually eat me alive knowing that i did that to her and i couldn't fix it.
"just let me explain myself.." i sigh. you could hear how badly i wanted to in my tone. it was like i was on my knees begging for he to let me and i absolutely hate begging people, this matters to me. i don't want to mess up something good because i was a complete douche. i don't want to mess it up at all. "let me fix this please"
she peers through the small crack left open from the door and her face softens when her eyes meet mine. i almost smile but i know i shouldn't. it's taking everything in me not to. anytime i see her i just want to and it sucks nog being able to right now, it's not the right time. she's probably think i'm just here as a joke when i'm not. i can't have her thinking that. i'm actually serious about fixing this, it means a lot.
she sighs and opens the door wider to let me in. as soon as i step in i start to feel an awkward tension grow between us. i hated the feeling but i know i need to push through it and just face it so i can feel good. the way i acted last night makes me feel sick. i can't even imagine myself doing it again, i don't want to... ever. this one is killing me enough. more than once? oh baby, that'd be awful. i can't even imagine how she's feeling right now or how she felt when i did it.
i follow her to the couch and watch as she sits down, waiting for me to explain myself. i look down at her and admire her for a second. she was effortlessly beautiful. the kind you don't think should be allowed but it is.
"look.. im really sorry for the way i acted last night." i start making her give me a dry laugh. "you were being an ass hole" she comments. yes it hurt coming from her but i deserve it. i was. i was a complete ass hole and she could shout it from the roof tops for all i care, i just need to figure out how to fix this.
"i was upset over a fight i had with my parents so i resorted to smoking just like i used to when i needed to feel calm. i took it out on you when i got to the party and i'm sorry. i really am. i feel like a dick.. no i am a dick for what i did and i shouldn't have acted the way i did.." i explain making her sigh. she looks at at anything but me during her silence. maybe it wasn't good enough, i've never been good at these. leave it to me to fuck this up over a stupid fight with my parents.
"you hurt my feelings last night jack"
her words made me feel even worse. i knew i did but hearing her say it made it worse. "i know and i feel awful about it. just please let me make this up to you.. please." i beg, i felt drained. what if she says no.
"all couples have fights, i'm not saying what i did was right but i'm saying they get past theirs and i'm hoping i can fix this and it all just go back to how perfect it was before." i add making her smile. my moms always told me that if a woman smiles in an argument just face it, i'm most likely going to die. i can't lie,i was a little scared. i've never fraught with her so i don't know how she reacts to stuff like this . "we're a couple?" she asks making me feel more at ease. "y yeah if that's what you're trying to do. i mean i am." i stutter, starting to feel embarrassed that i had just called us a couple when i haven't even asked her out yet.
"i want to. so bad." she smiles making me smile as well. "so we're cool now?" "everything is good? i'm so sorry" i ramble making her laugh. "everyone makes mistakes. it's obvious you've learned from it... i forgive you but please don't do it again." she sighs making my smile widen. "thank you so much" i exclaim, holding my arms out for a hug. "i felt so bad, you have no idea" i add making her laugh as she hugs me back. the hug gave me a warm feeling all over. she's starting to become so special to me and it's honesty one of the best feelings ever. if she hadn't have forgiven me i don't even know what id do.
