Ghosts ✔

100 • Dana

"You feel a little better?" he asked softly. 

"Better than I had ever imagined when I rang the doorbell," she muttered. "Thank you for this."

Crossing her arms, she stroked his arms with her fingertips, as far as she could reach. In the meantime she tried to gather courage to tell him what was in her heart, but she decided to postpone it until they were no longer in bath, so she could at least look him in the eye to get a glimpse of what was going on in his head once she told him what had happened.

. . .

Fifteen minutes later they were lying in his bed. Although Dana felt a strong longing to kiss him and feel his hands all over her body, she controlled herself. In the glow of the night-light she saw how Kip was studying her face. He had been patient and she was grateful to him, but she also understood that he wanted to know why she'd come to his house in the middle of the night. She laced his fingers with hers while she raised herself on her elbow. 

She sighed softly. "Amy broke up with Kozik," she started. "He was drunk when I came home, he's heartbroken." She paused, wondering if she really needed to tell him everything. For some reason, she did. "He was... clingy. I helped him to go to bed since he couldn't stand straight anymore. But then... He pulled me on his bed. Kissed my neck, rolled on top of me... grabbed for my breasts..." She dropped her eyes. "Said I could easily fuck him since I'd fucked Maddox voluntarily too..." 

A tear itched down her cheek. Despite the knowledge that he hadn't meant what he had said, his words hurt. Especially because she had felt so ashamed of her feelings for Ruben. Kozik had convinced her that it was normal, but today's snark gave her the feeling he had only said so to make her feel better.

"I hit him with a lamp before he could do anything else. When he came to his senses, I ran away."

Dana had no doubts that Juice would have fired all curses he knew, before convincing her it would never happen again and storming out of the house. Kip however stayed calm. His thumb stroked across hers and only when she looked up, he gave a verbal reaction. 

"Did it call up bad memories?"

Dana thought about the flashes of Maddox's face that she had seen, his perfume she had smelled. "Yes," she said, her voice shaking. Wiping her eyes, she snuggled up closer to him. Instead of surrendering to the anger he had to feel, he completely focused on her feelings. As he noticed that she didn't shy away from his touch, he pulled her to his chest, his lips touching her forehead. 

"Maddox is gone," Kip said, holding her tight. "What Kozik did was wrong, but I'm sure he will be madder at himself than anyone else can ever be." He raked a hand through her hair. "You felt unsafe around him before?"

"No, never," she muttered. "I don't believe he longed for me before tonight. But Amy is so insecure about herself... she's convinced he can't live with me without wanting to sleep with me... and when he was drunk, her words must have gotten into his head making him wonder if she could be true." She sighed softly. "You know, I was shocked, although not much happened in the end. It's just... I can't stay there, Kip. They broke up because of me, because I forced myself upon them – at least that's what Amy believes." She was silent for a while, then she looked up to him. "I hoped... I hoped I could stay here for a while. With you. With Casper."

His blue eyes looked straight into hers. He didn't speak, he just looked at her while his fingers were stroking her hair. 

"I know I can live her for a while. But I... I hope I can stay here more permanently. You knew exactly what I needed tonight, Kip. I... I want that every night. I wanna soak in the tub with you, drink a glass of wine on the balcony with you, listen as you sing our son a lullaby,  I wanna be held by you during the night..." She took his hand, pressing it briefly against her lips before she continued: "I love Juice. I know that, and I don't think that will ever change. I also know I have to let him go. Fye and he are expecting a child – which he doesn't know yet – and it feels... it feels like the last push I needed. He has to concentrate on his family and I don't want to ruin that. And I – I wanna focus on my family too. And I want that – I want that with the one I created this family with. The father of my child, the person who supported me in two of the darkest years of my life... the one of which I believe can give me everything I need – and the other way around. You don't have to respond on all this right now, I just hope... you want to consider it. Building a serious future with me."

His hand left her hair and stroked her cheek. "I want that future, Dana. Since the moment you stood in front of my door I wanted you. I lost everything, all my memories, all my feelings... but somehow my love for you has remained and if you really think you're ready to let Juice go, I believe you and I will support you."

Tears stung in her eyes because of so many sweet words. She didn't wipe them away, but let them glide down as she kissed him tenderly. 

Her hand moved across his chest as he kissed her back. His fingers moved a bit as well, but it felt like he didn't dare to surrender completely to his passion. For a moment she broke the kiss so she could look him in the eye. 

"Make love to me," she whispered. "Since Maddox died, nobody made love to me. My life started over and I... I want you to be my first." She read the hesitation in his eyes and felt a sting of disappointment in her stomach. She dropped her eyes. Maybe he didn't really want her, maybe...

"I wanna be your first," he said as if he sensed her pain. He laid a hand against her cheek and lifted her face. "I just find it hard... because I can't remember our previous times. I don't know what you like... what you don't like. What do you want? I mean – how do you want..." Sighing, he looked away. 

Again, his words made her emotional. She stroked the hairs on his cheek. "I want you to take the initiative, to lead us; do whatever feels good. I want to relinquish control..." She bit her lip. "I have to learn to trust my lover again and with you – with you I can. I trust you, Kip." Softly, she pressed kisses to his bottom lip. "Just trust yourself too, baby."