night of many fears

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"Y-you promised you wouldn't kill me." I stuttered out anxiously.
"Don't be dramatic- this is the date." He said casually coming out of the car and going over to my side.
He opens the door and turns around.

"Get on my back, it'll be impossible for you to walk around freely." He said and I hesitated before climbing on to his back. I moved his hair to the side so he didn't feel uncomfortable.

He walks into the woods and it's suddenly so quiet and eerie.
The clean, warm and calming scent wafting off him is my only solace.
"Everything's so scary in the dark." I said laying my head on his shoulder.
He hummed in acknowledgement.

"You probably can't tell can you?" I asked and he hummed again this time to agree.
"Tell me what it feels like to be scared." He says and I take a deep breath.
"It's kind of like being excited, but without any of the good feelings."
"Describe it to me." He said quietly.

"You've never been excited?" I asked feeling sorry for him.
He doesn't reply.
"Well being excited is kind of like feeling a buzz in your body." I said.
"Like arousal?"
"No-no, kind of yes but not exactly. It's like arousal but like mental arousal. There's a rush of joy and blood through you. A bubble of enthusiasm that's just waiting to burst, being scared is just the opposite of that, except with a really bad discomfort in your chest."

"I suppose that means I've never been excited either."

"Isn't there something you love?" I asked.
"I love my family members... and my job. "
"Okay.. don't you feel happy when they get happy?"
"I do."
"Let's just say excitement is like being on happy steroids... sorry I'm bad at explaining specific emotions."

He doesn't ask any more questions. He just walks in silence showing no signs of exhaustion.
"I get excited when I see you." I said softly.
"What does that feel like?"
"Ah- like winning a small lottery. Everytime it adds up a little."
"I guess I should stop showing up, if things continue at this rate you'll become ungrateful." He says jokingly.


He carries me through the woods to a small clearing by a lake. He puts me down on a deck.
The deck is decorated by a yellow picnic blanket and picnic basket with fishing gear right besides it.

"How'd you know?!" I practically squealed shrugging off my heels and heading over to the deck. He'd planned out my Old ideal date to the type of sparkling water.
"It was on your Facebook account."
"What Facebook account?"
"The one under the pseudonym SSPrinxess, the one that stopped being active after February 21 2012."

I immediately became queasy.
"I was 12, it wasn't meant to be taken seriously. It's crazy that you'd even be able to find that."
"I didn't go searching for it. My mother texted me to check Vienna's social media profiles after she found out about vaping. I went through all of her profiles since she learnt how to make an email. The profile was a surprise to me. Is it unnerving?" He asked and yes it should've been really creepy that he'd just recreated my weird 12 year self's ideal first date but coming from him it was strangely endearing.

He didn't seem like someone who cared about a lot although he seemed to keep track of every single detail.

"No, it's sweet." I said smiling at him.
"It's really sweet." I said and he gestured for me to sit down. Instead of sitting besides me on the edge.
He sat behind me, caging me and engulfing me with his warmth.

"Are we going to actually fish or is it just for decoration?" I asked and he nods.
"Here, you fish and I'll feed you." He said handing me the fish hook. He takes out a jog of water and a tiny little packet of soap and leans over to wash his large hands.
"What did you bring as bait?"
"I wasn't sure what'd be most effective so I brought everything."

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