Ghosts ✔

092 • Kozik

Sometimes it was easy to forget how rough things were for Dana. After dealing with Juice's tantrums, cries and alcohol addition, Dana seemed to do very well. Sure – he had seen her cry a few times, but she always got her act together. 

But hearing her whisper that she was disgusted with herself? That was new. 

How many times Juice had told him these exact same words? The reasons had always been logical – but he really had no clue way Dana would hate herself.

"Who do you miss?" he asked. "Juice? There's nothing strange about that, he isn't himself and it's not your fault."

"No, not Juice," she muttered. As she doubled over as if she was plagued by a horrible stomach cramp, he rubbed her back. "It's Ruben."

Ruben? Who the hell was Ruben? 

When she didn't explain herself, he repeated the question out loud. 

"Maddox wasn't always an asshole," she muttered. "After a while, I got to know a side of him that he had hidden for a long time. His sensitive side – a side that was really concerned about my well-being. I think he was suffering from a dissociative identity disorder, it really felt like two persons were trapped in one body. That sweet side – we called him Ruben." She sighed. "You have to understand that he was my only company for over two years. I had to find a way to deal with him and clinging to Ruben helped a lot. The erratic, possessive Maddox was slowly disappearing."

She was silent for a while. Kozik stroked her hair while thinking. It wasn't hard to see where this was going. "You've come to love him. Ruben."

She bent her head. "I didn't want to kill him," she whispered. "I wanted to leave, I wanted back to you guys... but I didn't want to kill him. But I had to – once he'd lost me Maddox would have taken control of his mind again. And Maddox – Maddox had to die." She wiped her eyes. "It sounds so fucked up. They were the same person. But I loved him and I hated him. I loved the person who raped me, who killed my baby, who destroyed Juice. I'm insane. I'm fucking insane."

"You're not, Dane, and it isn't that strange. You did what you had to do to survive; also mentally and emotionally. If Ruben cared for you and protected you from Maddox, it's nothing but logical that you miss him now. He was your only friend."

"But he was Maddox!"

"And Ruben. DID is a serious disease, Dane. He might have been really two persons. One who made you suffer and one who was trying to help you." He thought back to her outburst of a few minutes ago, wondering if her guilt had contributed to her anger. "Who did you kill?" he asked softly. "Ruben or Maddox?"

"Maddox," she whispered. "I – I tried to say goodbye to Ruben before I killed Maddox."

Kozik didn't know what was wiser: digging deeper or leaving it at this. He knew her first session with a therapist was scheduled for the end of next week and the woman would be able to help her better than he could, but maybe she also wanted to tell the story to someone she trusted. 

"How did you do it? Separating the two to kill Maddox?"

She bent over. "I feel ashamed."

Kozik left his spot behind her and knelt down in front of the bed so he could look at her face. After taking her hands in his, he said: "You've never been ashamed around me, Dane. You know I will never judge you."

She looked up, the tears shimmering in her eyes stabbing him in the chest. 

"It was Valentine's Day," she started. "I bought a cop costume and cuffed him to the bed. He loved bondage, which I encouraged because I wanted him to trust me. He liked the dominant me, so he was quite willingly.' She looked at their hands. "I had a knife, I could have killed him right away. But I didn't – I fucked him one last time. I wanted to fuck him one last time; I wanted to give Ruben a last moment of ultimate pleasure before I would kill him. It felt like a way of saying goodbye. After that... I teased him with an unloaded gun and a knife, trying to scare him. The moment I addressed my words directly to Maddox, I saw the look in his eyes change. In the end I jammed the knife in his neck."