Chapter 35

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Insomnia | Daya

I sighed and looked at my phone. I really don't want to go to school today. Not after what I've heard on Instagram or Snapchat.

I don't want to get out or get near people anymore. I just want to cry feeling the pain I'm feeling.

"Sara? Are you awake?"I heard my brother Hamid and turned my head to the wall.

"Sara?"

I didn't want to answer him. It wasn't something I felt like doing since I got back yesterday.

"Are you okay? Is something going on at school?"I shook my head and cover my head with a blanket.

"I just want to stay home. I don't feel too well."I heard him sigh and pat my back.

"Okay, I'll see you after school."I hum in response and heard the door close.

I don't know why, but I hate myself for everything. I hate myself for the fact I listen to them. I make them get the best of me.

They are happy while they try to make my life miserable. It hurts that they just want to torture me because they don't like me.

"Sara, are you okay?"I heard my father and gulped.

"You can stay home today. I'll just give you a note. Since it's not a big deal."I heard the door close again and I sighed.

I bit my lip as I heard everyone leave. I started to tear up. I just let them go. Why did I let them go?

Why can't I just be a regular human being that doesn't have to be depressed all the time! Why can't I just be normal like other teenagers who try to be happy!

"Why can't I be happy?"I whisper in my tears and move my covers to see my clock.

It was ticking and ticking. Then guess what. It was ticking again. I don't understand why I'm going through these emotions again.

Why does it hurt to know people just liked you before because they didn't want to me alone. They wanted to use you.

I'm such a burden. If I'm not, I just feel like I am. I'm leaving everything behind because of people.

"It hurts!"I cried and gulped looking to find my phone which I had no idea what to do.

I felt like peeling off my skin again. I felt like I wanted to rip myself into pieces. I feel like I'm trapped.

I went to check my closet and looked down the cupboards. I ran through the small boxes and opened them to see one razor in a green box.

"No, I shouldn't. It's bad."I whisper and closed the cupboard then the closet.

I held it and put it on the nightstand. I stare at the razor and sighed. It's not going to change anything.

"But why do I feel like doing it? Why do I want to just give up everything?"I whisper was going to take the blade but I saw my phone light turn on.

Jin...

Do I want to answer? Or should I just continue with what I'm doing. No, he doesn't have to know what I'm doing.

What if I don't answer and he comes into the house. Then sees what I'm up to. He's going to hurt me as my father would.

He's going to tell my brother and he might do the same. Yeah. Just answer the call.

Me: "Hello?"

Jin: "Hey? You okay? Your brother said you didn't feel well."

Why is he asking if I'm okay? Why am I important when I know I'm not.

Me: "I'm fine, I just need some rest."

Jin: "You should, you stayed up all night. I saw the light in your room."

Did he see what I did last night?

Me: "Stalker much?"

Jin: "No actually I kept waking up to eat ice cream. And maybe played video games till midnight."

Me: "Uh...okay. I'm going to go. I'll talk to you later."

Jin: "Sssurre."

I hanged up and put it down. I facepalm and sighed. I just can't handle it anymore! The lying, the hurting, everything!

:::::::

I stare at the ceiling. It's been five hours since I've done it. I put it back at its place. Cleaned my arms and laid down.

I can't believe I did it. What the heck was I thinking? Was I just mad? Or am I just mad?

A Muslim shouldn't do this. A Muslim shouldn't be doing this at all! I have made a sin!

I am so bad. I'm so dead. I don't know what to do! I'm scared and I'm afraid. I don't want to do anything anymore.

Why is this happening to me? Why am I like this? I can't just keep going like this! I need to get up. But I don't want to. I feel...nothing.

I feel numb and broken. And I don't even remember the last time this had to happen. Probably two weeks ago!

"I'm HOME!"

I heard my brother yell and I covered myself again. I didn't want to go downstairs if they forced me to. I don't want to do anything as to what I've had explained.

"Sara? Are you still in bed?"I heard the door creak and Hamid with an unknown emotion.

I didn't even want to look at him. Or anyone and feel as if I was a burden or regret. I just want to be in my room.

Rotting in my bed.

"Have you eaten?"I felt him closer to me and I gulped hearing his footsteps.

"Sara? Your never like this, what's going on!"He pulled my blankets and I didn't say or look at him at all.

"That's it. I'm calling mom!"I rolled my eyes as he called my mother.

I didn't care. I didn't want to do anything. I won't even want to talk to her.

"Okay. I'm going to go check the neighbors to see if they can help. You stay here."I heard his footsteps move away.

It's not like I'm going anywhere anytime soon.

"SARA!"I closed my eyed finally letting the numbness take over me.

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