Touch your heart (Severus Snape)

Chapter 20

"You wish to see me, Headmaster?" Severus asked, trying to disguise his weak voice while he approached Dumbledore who was sitting on the edge of his desk, with a contemplation expression on his face. He does that a lot.

"Oh, Severus. Yes, yes. I talked with Angel. She is such a lovely girl. You're a lucky man."

"I don't know if I'm lucky or not now." He answered, lowering his gaze.

"Well Severus, you must give her time. She knows where your loyalty stands. But the reason I called you isn't that of her." Severus tried to avoid Dumbledore' gaze because he knew god damn well why he called him. "We both know Voldemort ordered the boy Malfoy to kill me... If the boy shall fail he would turn to you, I'm afraid. You must be the one to do it, Severus. Only then he will trust you completely."

"No. There must be something else we can do." Dumbledore tried to interrupt him but he didn't want to hear. "Have ever occurred your bright mind that I don't want to do this anymore?"

"Severus! I am already dying every minute. It is the only way." He whispered, pleading the trusted man in front of him. Then he proceeded to explain to him how he should act after his death. And what really happened with Voldemort the night he tried to kill Harry so many years ago. "It is the only way, Severus. We've come a long way. We can't give up now." Dumbledore pleaded again.

"What about Angel? I can't have her by my side while I'm doing all of that. It will get her to kill. She is too stubborn to let me be alone." The realization of the truth hit him hard. He either saved the world or watch me die on his arms - as it happened before. And Dumbledore was no fool. He knew it very well. Even though he loved me and pity me, he knew that Severus was right. And he also knew that this was more important than anything else in the world.

"So you must get away from her. You must hurt her. In a way that she would never want to see you again."

"Of all the things you asked me, that would be the cruelest. You don't know what she's been through. It will break her." He said, leaning against the wall, tears blurring his vision.

"It is your choice, Severus. Either you have her by your side and risk her life or break her heart and give her a chance to live." Dumbledore stated as much as it hurt him saying.

"She... she already suffered enough." He gulped, rubbing his eyes with his hands and heading for the exit without looking back.

When Severus got out of Dumbledore's' office, he leaned against the corridors' wall crying. His heart was pounding and twitching, but his mind knew what he had to do. He had to end it. He would have to do it so I don't want to be with him ever again. But how could he do it to the woman he loved? How could he turn his back to the only person that saw him for what he was?

Anyway, he had to do it.

So he headed for my chambers and stopped in front of my door. Part of him was hoping I wasn't there and the other part didn't want him to knock on the door.

But he gasped when the door opened either way and he saw my tearful eyes looking at him.

"Severus! I... was on my way to your chambers." I saw he was still holding my letter on his hand and his eyes followed the direction of mine until they reached his hand. "You read it?"

He nodded and I let him inside the room without a word. My body was trembling, my mouth was dry. And I felt a knot on my stomach. How was this man in front of me, after knowing about my horrible past and after I run away from him, accusing him of betraying us all? I should have stayed and heard him, but instead, I ran away like the little shit I am. The only person that I ever loved was in front of me and I ruined it all.

"First of all, I'm sorry." I started. I needed to say it out loud so I sighed. "I was scared before. See, all my life people disappointed me, lied to me or used me. And when I saw that mark on your arm I... got scared that it happened once again. I shouldn't even think of you like that, and I'm so sorry."

"You don't need to apologize, Angel. But you know why I couldn't tell you, don't you?"

"I know." I sighed and hugged him. "I know, Severus."

I felt him tensing up and he didn't move while I was hugging him. "Are you ok?"

"I'm... not. I don't know how to say this but.. we need to end this relationship." He whispered, tears falling down his cheeks.

"What??? Why? Is this because of the letter?" I asked, feeling my body trembling uncontrolled.

"No. It is not. We have a lot to think about. We can't continue fooling ourselves while the world out there is falling apart." He didn't even dare to look at me.

"No. No, that's bullshit!!! You don't think that. Tell me what's the reason!"

"I told you. It has to be done, Angel. We can't keep doing this to each other. It is killing me inside!" He yelled, but as he watched my watery widened eyes and my body trembling, he quieted down and talked with a lower and softer voice. "It is no time for this. I am truly sorry for everything you've been through, but this relationship would hurt you more than you can imagine. I'm not meant to have this."

"You're wrong, Severus. You more than anyone deserve happiness. I don't believe you-- " I gasped. "It is disgust? Because of the letter? Was it because I doubted you when I saw the mark? TELL ME WHY!!!" I cried harder this time, tears blurring my vision. "Please... tell me what I did wrong..."

"It is how it is. Please, don't make this harder." He turned around to leave me but I stopped him.

"You're going to leave me? Just like that?"

He eyed me for a second, battling himself. He wanted so badly to stay, one more night. But for a man that knows what sacrifice truly means, he got all the strength he didn't know he had inside him and inhaled sharply before giving the final words. 

"I have to." 

He pulled his arm away and left me alone in the room, crying on the floor until tiredness took over me and I fell asleep right there.

 On the cold floor, alone. 

Just like all my life.