Magi Games

The Finals: My (Final) Feedback

Katie387750

-1.1 for grammar

-0.1 for magic - included a car which is too modern

-0.6 for punctuation

-0.2 for realism - they wouldn't know what a Star Wars movie is and if she didn't know how to fly, things wouldn't have been that easy for her.

Your writing was slightly less realistic this round, so your final writing maturity scale rating is a 1.4 out of 2.

No score.

You were the first to hand in, as usual. I really appreciate your interest you have to the Games and your entries and how excited you get over them. The flashbacks created a really nice background information for Crystal that we never really knew much of before. It was great to get into her head and learn more about the tragedy of what she's been through, which also gives us feels for her current situation. It did feel too modern in the flashback because the mention of magic instead of technology wasn't used. That and you had several grammar and punctuation errors as well as a few unrealistic things incuded - she wouldn't know what a Star Wars movie was and if she didn't know how to fly, then it wouldn't have been that easy to fly the ship away. She and Tilani escaped and it did tie up all the loose ends and gave your story a clear ending. It was nice to read this story that you created. Great job.

JesterheadJohnSnow

0.9 for punctuation

-0.2 for grammar

-0.1 for spelling

Your writing was very mature, but you did have more punctuation errors than usual, so your final writing maturity scale rating is 1.8 out of 2.

No score.

You were the second one to hand in, so I always appreciate your punctuality. You had a gripping start and I'm intrigued by what they're doing and how they're going to fit in. You had such vivid descriptions that it places me in the story. I loved the flashbacks throughout it, giving us information on how they escaped and came to be where they are. Going back and forth like that provides great pacing for your entry and it keeps us wondering what's going to happn next. I love Mordzar's remodeling the ship. You built the ship itself well too and creative use of magic! Intense fighter ship scene that kept me on the edge of my seat. I loved the warrior scout who used her tail to grab hold. It's such a realistic and lifelike race building you've done with their race and it makes them feel alive! You did have a lot of punctuation mistakes that seemed like rookie mistakes - an example is this sentense: "Well, well, well." A feminine voice with an exotic accent purred. The proper way to write this would be: "Well, well, well," a feminine voice with an exotic accent purred. The dialogue needed to end in a comma, continuing the sentence after the quotation mark. I loved all the race, world, and culture building on the planet they crashed to. It seemed so realistic. Overall, the pacing of your entry made for a smooth and enjoyable read. It did feel like it ended on a cliff hanger, which isn't the best idea, but you tied up all loose ends even though we are left wondering what happens to them from here. I did like that it returned to Mordzar's perspective for the entire thing; like it was coming full circle. Fantastic job!

Several7s

-0.1 for punctuation

Your writing is smooth with minimal mistakes, but you still use words like got and others that are slightly less mature than other choices, so your final writing maturity scale rate is a 1.9 out of 2.

No score.

I loved the opening and the friendship moment between Eris and Vatre. It also gave me a lot of feels that all the grief started to catch up to Eris. Xanadar's betrayal was a nice twist and it definitely made me feel for everyone even though I can understand his reasoning. Poor Mordzar. Tearing him and Eris apart broke his heart and mine. Vaxon's entrance was so worthy of a villain like him. You also portrayed Kyren very well with his reaction. The three year jump was definitely a surprise, but it really showed what they were going through now as well as what their lives had been like before now. Which is terrible and heart-breaking. The kids are so adorable and it gives us a glimpse into a new side of Eris as a mother. Plus, I ship her and Kyren - Kyrwen? Erisren? Lol. It did end on a cliff hanger, which leaves us wondering what is gonna happen to them next, but you did tie up all the loose ends, too. You also only had one misplaced comma, which made your entry smooth to read. It was short, but long enough to make it intense, and still tied up loose ends and left us wanting more all at the same time. It's very bittersweet, but a fitting end - although, tragic.