Magi Games

Task 1: Scores and Feedback

ariel_paiment1

NO MISTAKES

2 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE 12

Your opening descriptions with Jae in the silver room were extremely vivid and you made some minor changes that really helped spice it up with extra realism. Again, I LOVE the tree fight scene - it seems so silly but it's still a hard fight and it's well written. Not to mention the tree seems to have a very Pimret-like personality! Ha! I loved the new hall with the islands - the fight with the kraken was intense and I felt hot and exhausted with her. Your descriptions literally put me into the entry with Jae, which is amazing. Your vocabulary still astounds me and I love how you added in two gates this time - it added the affect of being in a maze, so great job! Oooh, the metal jungle was very creative and well described, and I loved how you added metal wolves that were defeated, literally as Jae saw the aftermath of a fight. Plus, the portal, took her back to the island, so Jae having to take the other island gate added a "labyrinth" feel to your entry and seriously added so much to it! I love how you characterized Kyren and the scene between them. PERFECT SCORE. I'm so proud - you listening to my sponsored pre-feedback and fixing the things I pointed out really helped you, so congratulations!

JesterheadJohnSnow

-0.2 for action scene realism.

2 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE: 11.8

WOW! I literally couldn't stop to type comments cuz I read your entry and literally couldn't stop, so I read it all the way through. I loved your entry - you really get me into your characters' heads so it's like I'm going through it with them. I loved reading from Mordzar's pov again and I was rooting for him and sad when he was taken out. I love Jardonkha and her personality and the way you kept going back to your guildmates cheering them on made your entry unique. I feel like I'm reading an exciting novel and I can't wait to read more! You did have two guild members of Miria show up and there are only supposed to be one from each guild so I took off points for that, and the action was a bit confusing in one part - Mordzar was badly hurt with his leg, but he stood up to get the key - unless I misunderstood. So just work on those final few things. You did score a 2 on the writing maturity scale which is amazing! It's truly shocking to see the writer you are now compared to when you first started out these AG's with me years ago. Lol. It doesn't feel like it's been years, but it has. Haha.

Shermanblook

-0.3 for punctuation

2 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE: 11.7

You have given William a very unique voice that sets him apart from other characters and it takes a talented writer to do that. The first challenge with the ghost was extremely creative! And William - all of his key puns - how key-ean of him (it seems my key puns are as terrible as his! Haha). HAHA GREO! Omg you characterized him so well. That's exactly how he would have acted/treated William in this situation! Haha! HAHA okay the three-way fight between William, Greo, and Eskander was GREAT. Hilarious, too, well written and enjoyable to read. I didn't expect William to be injured, even though you mentioned you were doing all the ballot punishments. I was rooting for Nulkin and then got to the end and realized what you did! He worked so hard for the five keys (well he and William) only to find out that they hadn't gotten the specifically needed keys! Oh, man, I feel so bad for him! I thought each of your hallways was quite unique and your entry was smooth, easy to read, and enjoyable! You had a few punctuation mistakes, but those can easily be caught in a last minute read-through.

wordsmith-

-0.1 for spelling

-0.2 for sentence structure