high hopes | brendon urie

10: hating herself

tw relapsw

there was shit going round the fandom about the photo. i hadn't uttered a word to brendon or sarah or zack about it. they'd find out soon enough though.  as i was eating my breakfast with sarah, zack came over.
"y'all are gonna wanna see this. get brendon" he said. i went outside to the studio and knocked on the door.

we sat at the table nervously.
"a fan spotted you two together a week ago and the photo is all over the internet" zack said.
"what!? show us!" brendon exclaimed. zack slid his phone towards us.

it was the picture.

"oh no" sarah sighed. i stayed quiet.
"why don't you look surprised?" zack furrowed his eye brows at me.
"i-i am! this is...weird" i stammered.
"alexa" my parents looked at me.
"did you know about this?" brendon asks me.

"well..." im toast.

"alexa!" the three adults chorused.
"when did you find out?" sarah asks me.
"the day it was taken" i said quietly.
"and you didn't think to tell us!?" brendon exclaimed.
"i-i didn't want to upset you guys!" i reasoned. "well now you have! your safety is in danger now!" he ran his hands through his hair stressfully.
"i-im sorry brendon!" i stuttered.

"god alexa! it wont kill you to tell us shit!" those words slapped me. memories flooded back to me.
"i-i" i didn't know what to say.
"this is so fucking frustrating! honestly-"
sarah cut him off. "brendon enough!" she snapped.

i just got up and power walked up to my room., covering my mouth with my hand to hide my sobs. i got to my room and slammed the door, locking it then fell to the floor crying. i knew he'd get sick of me. i knew eventually he'd hate me. i knew he'd find me annoying. 

yes, this was how i used to spiral.

i went into the bathroom and took my razor blade off the window sill. i smashed it against the wall, tears streaming down my cheeks. i sank to the floor as the metal pierced into my skin. i sobbed in pain but didnt stop there. memories flooded into my head -terrible ones.

"alexa? alexa please! open the door!" sarah begged. she's somehow managed to unlock my bedroom door but not my bathroom door. then i heard a bang. i jumped. the blade slid across the bathroom floor and under the door.
"no!" i cried out.
"alexa!? alexa please!" sarah knocked on the door worryingly.
"brendon!" zack called.
i sobbed harder when i heard brendons name. he's triggered awful memories and i couldn't control myself.
"alexa we can figure this out!" sarah exclaimed, trying to open the door.

fear grew inside me. i ran into the towel closet and shut myself inside.
"whats going on?" i heard brendon ask.
"she's crying so much" saran said. "she's relapsed and won't let us in!"
"oh god...alexa? alexa are you okay?" brendon knocked on the door.
i whimpered and curled up into a ball.
"alexa im sorry. im so so sorry about before. i shouldn't have yelled at you. i don't know why i was such a dick. i know i-i was scared but thats not an excuse"

i calmed down and listened.
"please let me in i-i promosewe can figure this out. you mean so much to me. i-im so fucking sorry" i crept out from the closet and pressed my body against the door.
"please just open the door. i promise i wont yell at you" he sounded sincere.
"j-just you?" i sniffled.
"just me"

i unlocked the door and stepped back, shaking. it opened slowly and a more calm brendon stepped inside. he closed the door gently behind him before looking around the room.
"oh god" he down to see shattered metal on top of the wooden floor. his eyes swivelled to my red wrists. i took another step back in fear.

"it's okay. just sit down, mkay?" i sank to the floor and watched as he took all the sharp objects and slid them into a small bag then into his pocket.
"im so sorry" i started to cry again.
"no no darling don't be!" he kelt down beside me and held me close.
"i hate myself so much" i whispered.
"don't. okay, it's gonna be fine. im sorry this happened and im sorry i caused it. i promise you i won't speak to you like that again"

i let out my tears while he comforted me. he always made things easier. why was it like this? ever since i stepped foot into this house its been so simple. i let my thoughts drift away while he cleaned my wrist. he softly sang to me whilst he did so.

"hey" i said quietly. he looked at me.
"you good?" he asks.
"i...dont even know" i sighed.
"you will be. i know you will" he responded.
"thanks" i added.
"for what?"
"for being alive"