high hopes | brendon urie

1: the sad girl

hey guys

its meee
lol
so
i wrote these books at a v young age when i had SHIT mental health and i was in my emo phase
ive unstanned panic! due to the band being extremely problematic
but i will keep these books up for entertainment purposes even though these books SUCK

my current stans: harry styles, melanie martinez, one direction

luv! 💓

no matter how many times my name was called, i didn't budge. i laid on my bed staring at the ceiling as thoughts ran through my head.

my names alexa and im fourteen years old. i've been in this adoption centre since i was six. my parents abused me from when i was a toddler which caused me to develop depression later on - i'm bullied a lot too so that helps. what an introduction...

i clicked skip on spotify and let 'camisado' by panic! at the disco fill my ears. i'd only found out about them a while ago but this song was everything to me. it spoke for me more than words could.

"alexa!" tony banged on my door. he was the same age as me and came from a trap house. he was okay. "really! you have to come downstairs!" he exclaimed. i ignored him and let the music fill my ears.

tony kicked the lock and walked in.
"whens the last time you showered?" he asks me. i shrugged in response.
"go take one. i'll let you use my speakers and make you something to eat" he pulled me up and took my phone.
"i dont want food" i muttered as he guided me to the bathroom. he turned the shower on and got me some clothes. as promised he gave me his speakers and put on his hip hop playlist. "i'll be waiting in your room"

he was sweet. i sighed, stripped and went into the shower. i hummed along to the music as i lathered shampoo i to my hair. why was everyone so hyped for? who was here?

i dried myself then got ready into a khaki green sweater and black jeans. i added my white trainers then brushed my hair. i put my earphones back in and saw tony had brought us up breakfast. "be fast. if laurel or yanny catches us then we're screwed"

"so...its been a week today" he said as he sipped his juice. i nodded. "im proud of you" he added.
"thanks" i finished my food quickly and washed my hands.

"hey uh i need to tell you something" he said. "go ahead" i replied.
"just promise me you're always going to be my friend" was tony...nervous?
"i promise" i blinked.

"im transgender" he said quietly. "
"oh...im proud of you for telling me"
"wait? what?"
"im proud" i replied.
"thanks for accepting me" he mumbled.
"anytime"
"alexa! tony! come downstairs!" fucking yanny. tony helped me up and we went downstairs. "have you two been eating upstairs again!?" she exclaimed.
"well..." tony was awkward.
"i have told you both several times not to! do you not know how to follow instructions!?"

her face changed to my fathers. memories came flooding back.

"are you fucking stupid!?"
"do you not know how to do shit!?"
"why aren't you dead yet?"

tears filled my eyes. i ran. i ran upstairs desperately trying to get rid of the horrible thoughts.
"woah careful!" two hands went on my shoulders as i almost collided into a tall figure.

i stopped short and looked at who it was. i pulled away after seeing it was a guy.
"whats wrong?" he asked me. wait. i know that face.

it was that guy who sings camisado£

"i know you" i said.
"panic! ?" he grinned.
"you sang camisado" i responded.
brendon chuckled. "that songs over ten years old...arw you okay though?" he asked me.
"never better"
"well i really hope you are" he responded. "alexa!" tony came upstairs. "you're in so much trouble!" he panted.
"when am i not?" i replied.
"should i leave...?" brendon asked awkwardly.
"nah you're good" i responded. i turned to tony. "she cant do shit. its visiting hours" i pointed out.
"straight after we need to hide you" tony was shivering.

"if she even comes close to touching me i will bite her" i said to him.
"im just gonna..." brendon pointed to the stairs.
"yeah you do that" tony said. then they both paused.

me and tony went downstairs and brendon followed behind acting like he was finished using the bathroom. laurel led him to the 1 to 1 room. tony went to sit with his other friends. he tells me everything but never utters a word to his boys which is sweet. i let fall out boy fill my ears. the chatter around me faded slowly as i listened to my music.

"ALEXA!" i jumped and ripped my earphones out of my ears.
"are you fucking deaf!? its your go!" leah snarled. tears filled my eyes as i got up and left the room. i tried to stop crying but tears spilled down my cheeks on their own. i couldn't go in. why would anyone want me? can't do anything right. i make everything miserable.

i leaned against the wall quietly crying. the door opened and i wiped my tears and looked to see who it was. "you wanna come in?"

i sat on the black chair not saying a word. he closed the door behind him and whistled as he sat down in his own chair.
"you good?" he asks.
i nodded, lying.
"i hope you are...so...alexa. how old are you?"
"14" i said quietly.
"where you from? you have a cute accent!" i went slightly red.
"my mom is french and my dad is american" i explained.
"can you speak french?" he asked. i nodded. "thats awesome" he grinned.
"anyone can speak french" i said.
"your fluent though...that is so awesome"

i slipped a little smile. i don't get a lot of compliments.
"what a beautiful smile" he said. i started to giggle. when i got compliments i always gave an awkward laugh.
"what?" he started chuckling.
i bursted out laughing.
"what!?" he was laughing too.

"sorry i-um. i get awkward when people compliment me" i admitted.
"thats sweet!" ASSHOLE. i started laughing again. he did too. "i like you" he said. "i like me to" i joked. brendon laughed again. if only i was being honest.