Beautiful Sorrows

Sleep Deprivation

*

It's after work, and Maria's exhausted. She wonders if she'll ever catch a break. She wants to sleep, but she never did her homework yesterday, and her class is back on tomorrow. She forces herself to sit down and read the article. As she's reading, she's thinking how anyone could possibly understand this. She doesn't even know what she's writing in for answers. She's focusing on food. When she's managed to get through homework, she decides against making food; it's another drive through night. She grudges to her car and drives the 10 minutes to her favorite drive through. After ordering, she sits in the parking lot and eats. She feels like she has no more energy left to do anything. When she's done, she drives the back roads home, barely just going the speed limit. At the apartment, she's overly annoyed. She tries asking God all these questions and has so much to wonder over that she never even notices the card that was tapped to her door.

*

The next day, Maria's not feeling well. She really doesn't want to get up out of bed, but she has class in a few hours and needs a shower. So, she uses all the energy that she can muster to get up out of her bed and heads to the bathroom, grumbling all the way. She doesn't waste time in changing the temperature to her liking, she just turns it on and steps in. After the showers over, she dries herself a little quickly and tosses on whatever clothes she can find, not caring whether their old or new. After sloppily brushing her teeth and hair, she heads to the kitchen for breakfast. She mutters to herself about this and that, sounding crazy, as she looks for what to have. She decides on plain cereal and eats fast. When she's done, she grabs her bag and rushes to school. As the hours go by, she is barely able to concentrate. She's pretty sure she flunked the test she took in math, and she's sure the homework that she didn't work hard on won't be at all a good grade. As she goes to leave English, her teacher calls her name, and she's suddenly very aware of where her life is going.

*

After a grueling week of school and work, it's finally the weekend. Not that it really matters. Her family is coming over for a special dinner, she isn't looking forward to it but tries to busy herself with cleaning up the apartment. She knows she should also try to take a nap, knowing her family is already worried about her; the last thing she needs though is anymore of reason not to skip out on family time. And so she sweeps, dusts, and takes care of anything else that needs done. She glances at the clock and sighs; it's almost time. She heads to her room and stares at her bed longingly. She's about to change when her doorbell rings. Her hands go in fists, not understanding why this happens. Can she ever have any free time to relax? She changes really quickly anyways and runs to the door, almost slipping off her feet on a towel. She opens the door grumbling but stares wide eyed at her mother and sister; shes confused, where is her dad? She politely lets them in and the table is already cleared for them to put dishes on.

"Your father is busy with work, he couldn't get off." Her mother says as she goes into the fridge and takes out drinks for them. She tries to ignore the squeeze of her heart.

"I know you were really looking forward to seeing him. I'm sorry sweetie." Her mother goes in for a hug, but that's not what she needs. She excuses herself to the bathroom. Once the doors locked, she turns on the water and splashes her face. After dragging a towel roughly across her face; it's a little red and her mother and sister will probably think she was crying now, shes not weak though and she's sick of others thinking she is. All she really cares about at this point is sleeping. As she heads back to the kitchen, she yawns and ignores her mothers worried look.

"How's school?" Her sister asks, and shes surprised that she isn't being hard on her for once.

"You look tired, I hope that isn't messing anything up." And then she reminds herself that this is her sister, and the favorite daughter. She just wants to get through dinner and be glad when they leave.

*

After a very awkward dinner of silence, she takes a breath and finally notices the note that's now on the table; it must of been from her mom. She wishes she hadn't opened it though, it's a note from her doctor reminding her about her next appointment. She wants to cancel it, but she also knows deep down, she needs something to solve this problem. After cleaning up, she goes to bed. Or tries, rather. In the morning, she doesn't do much. She thinks about how she's wasting her life away and if she'll ever recover with the wrongs she's made in the last several weeks. Her phone rings, and it's her therapist. This makes her angry again, because she doesn't want help. In the same sense though, she knows she needs it. After a brief chat, she agrees to come in after her doctors appointment tomorrow. Before she knows it, the days over. She doesn't feel like sleeping, she knows a couple hours won't make a difference but she heads to the medicine cabinet anyways and grabs the pills.

*

The next day, shes regretting agreeing to go to both appointments. But she goes, anyways; desperate for an answer. She stops for a coffee, hoping it'll help her relax, and when she gets to the doctors, she just wants to go home. Before she meets her doctor, she goes in for some tests. After she gets her blood taken, she heads to the correct wing. She's not sitting for long before she hears her name called. She gives the nurse a tired smile, she's a little uncomfortable knowing the nurse may be judging her though. She shakes it off. The nurse does her regular check ups and leaves, leaving Maria sitting on the bed, feeling quite nervous for no real reasons. Then the doctor comes in. And he goes straight into talking, getting down to business. After a long talk and getting the results back early, he gives her a prescription that's sure to take care of her problem. She smiles brightly as she walks to her car. For once, she has hope. She almost laughs at thinking how easy it was. As she's driving to her therapist, she knows she has to let herself go; it's time to be honest. It doesn't take long when she gets there before she's telling her therapist everything, and when it's over with, she feels as if a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. She nods to her therapist to make another appointment. Maybe it's not too late to recover.

*

A week later, she's feeling so much better. She's gotten back a lot of sleep she thought she wouldn't, she's done better at work and school; everyone can see it. Everyone's so proud of her, but more importantly, she's proud of herself. She's finally finding the light , and now she doesn't understand why it took her so long. But she smiles, and she's starting to enjoy life again. She's been hanging out with her family, she's made friends with Larissa again, and Keith wanted another chance out of nowhere. She couldn't possibly understand how her life turned a 360, but she feels blessed that it did. She promises herself that once she has kids, she'll be there for them through thick and thin. She wouldn't want anyone to ever go through what she did. And she now knows what she wants to do in life, and she's going to make sure that everything will turn out right. She knows it will.