No Longer Just A Fan

Finally Hers Again

Katy's POV:

"You didn't have to do that you know?" Jennette says as we walk into our apartment. I sigh heavily, not really want to think about the girls anymore. We left before their concert was finished. I made it through a few more songs after Who Are You, then I bounced. I couldn't take it anymore.

"Yes I did, Jennette. Simon and I have that deal to keep. I'll be okay, and so will they." "Cut the tough jackass act. We're in the apartment now. This is our safe zone, Tee. You can talk to me." I can feel my guard lowering as she uses my old nickname. No one refers to me as Katy or Tee on campus. Everyone calls me KAMO. It's even how my name is written in the roll book for classes. All my professors call me KAMO, causing some even forget what my real name is. The nickname just spells out my initials. I'm not the only one that uses a new nickname as their main name now. Jennette, Cameron, Lindsey, and a few others that normally play sports with us on Friday evenings have nicknames too.

We're kind of a dismantled bunch I guess you could say. Every one of us has our own story as to why we are the way we are. Because of that, we all know why the other person acts the way they do. Everyone else around us though? They just think we're the comical, arrogant, jackasses that don't show emotions for anyone outside of our group.

I never thought much about how badly Cameron, Lindsey, Jennette, and especially myself, have changed since we started college. Yeah, we're all like this to protect our hearts, but no one else knows that. No one else can know that. I can't help but look back over the past few months and cringe at the thought of everything I've done. For a while, I became immune to caring about the people I hurt.

Ever since I started UCLA, I've had anyone I wanted. A lot of people wanted to date me, but I was not interested in a relationship. I was just interested in sleeping around with people. And for that, I hurt so many girls and guys.

I had rules set for myself so I wouldn't develop feelings for anyone. I told the people that wanted to sleep with me, that it was just sex and nothing more; that it was just a one time thing and we had to pretend nothing happened between us come the next day. I never allowed anyone over in the apartment either. It always had to be in their dorm room or apartment.

Why? Because I would leave as soon as everything would end. I wasn't one to stick around. I didn't cuddle, I didn't care enough to talk and get to know them better, I didn't do anything other than put my clothes back on and tell them I would see them in class or around campus. At first I wasn't proud of it, but like I said, after a while I became immune and stopped caring altogether. It wasn't just me though. Our whole group did it. I was just disgusted with myself the most out of all of us though. I was no better than Brad or Jai at this point. In fact, some could say I was worse than them. My seventeen year old self would not be proud of the person I had become today.

That seventeen year old planned on saving sex for the right person. She planned to take her time with the person and make sure they knew it was out of pure love and not lust. The mere thought of sleeping around with anyone and everyone made her sick. She had seen so many movies and TV shows where that's literally all anyone did. She vowed never to do such a thing; believing everyone deserved to be respected of their bodies and feelings. She grew up to become the monster I am now.

"This is the longest I've seen you sit in thought before. Like I can't even tell if you're breathing because you're perfectly still like a statue. You're scaring me, Tee." I turn my head and look over at Jennette. She's sitting on the counter looking at me in concern. I didn't realize I had slumped down onto the couch since we came in.

"Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the past few months is all." I'm pretty sure the only good thing that's really happened within the past nine months is that I finally went back into remission for my Crohn's. When I first found out I was in remission, Jennette and I went clubbing. We didn't go to the normal one, the one you only have to be sixteen to get in. Instead, I got a fake ID and we went to a real club. That was the first time I got drunk. Not exactly the healthiest decision to make, but I didn't care.