I'll Follow You (GirlxGirl)

31. How am I going to that?

I am sitting on the couch listening to my babies' song, at full volume done that for two days now. It makes me think they are still here and the loud sound takes the silence away. I hate that it is so quiet. It is freaking me out. But the song is right, I have seen the Devil more than I have seen God, and I need to change that. I need to think differently.

Sky is right, after nine years I still haven't managed to take that voice out of my head. I don't know how to make it go away. It's been there my whole life and I can understand Sky's frustration. She has never hit me before, and when she did, I knew that I had made her very angry. I know she did not mean to be cruel, but that she is trying to make me treat myself better.

I knew it frustrated her all the time and still, I didn't do anything, but Sky did. She took everything I have ever loved out of my life. Now, I have to find out how to love myself, to make them all come back.

"How am I going to that?" I scream crying, so angry with myself. My whole life I have lived with negative thoughts, and I know that. I never thought it would go so far that she would leave me and take the kids with her. It's killing me that I haven't seen them. The boys called me yesterday before bed. Telling me that they have fun with Luke and that Jace and Andi is fine. I miss holding my creatures, watching them sleep and have them laying on me as we listen to our sleeping song. It's what I have done every day for three months now and it's all gone, because of my own head. I miss doing homework with the boys and play football with them. It might have been only two days, but it's what I love doing.

I rush out of the couch and find a piece of paper and a pen. Then I write down.

'I love that I love my family.'

That is at least one thing I like about myself. It is not enough, but it is a start, because I know that is true. I would do anything for them. I fold the paper and put it in my pocket, so I have it at all times when something shows up. Now I just need to find something to do before I lose my mind.

We still haven't started to paint the walls in the house, and since I have time. I can do it now, and well I am completely alone and I have to think, so why not.

After three hours I have managed to paint the whole kitchen. It was tough, moving around all of the furniture to do it, but I did. It looks much better with the new white paint. I smile to myself as I watch how lighten up it looks like now.

I take out my piece of paper.

'I love that I work hard.' I put down, but it feels wrong. No, Hunter. I shake my head of my stupidity. Sky would have hit me in the head if I told her that it felt wrong, because she knew it wasn't.

Okay, two things in one day that is nice. I need more, much more. I am not going to tell her just some few things. I want to give her everything at once, because she deserves that. After all that pain, I have caused her. Still, after nine years, I haven't told her each of my stories about my scars, she asked, but I don't want to tell her. She wants to know, but I don't think it is important. Especially now, since David and I can talk without me feeling the fear of him. It was like that at the start, but there is something in his eyes, that is all different now.

Skylar's eyes when she hit me was dark, the drakes and the most wounded I have ever seen. I just knew I had broken her heart, but I didn't realize it was my words that made her like that, until she said she heard me. I just hope she does not leave me for good, that I am too slow to find out what I like about myself. I live my life for them, because they are all I have. Losing them would mean the end of the world for me.

I am not giving in just because of my own stupid head.