My Deadly Mistake (Jerome Valeska/Gotham FanFiction) [Book 1]

Is This...

~ Jerome's POV ~

Am I losing my edge?

That's the question I kept asking myself as the guard walked me to my cell after my session with Rhiannon. For the first time in my life, I was doubting myself...and all because of a girl.

The session did not go like I thought it would. I wasn't prepared for what happened in there. I thought that I would give her a sense of control by letting her talk first, and then I would jump in and take over. Show her how I'm the boss. I wanted to see how she would react to that side of me. I need to see how she responds. I remember how when I was first coming to discover who I am, I would let whatever girl I was hanging out with around at the time see that side of me. All I got was rejection...

"You're sick Jerome!"

"You need help you sicko!"

"You aren't the Jerome I know! You aren't the Jerome that I fell in love with!"

At first it used to bother me, but as time went on and I got comfortable in my own skin, I didn't really care how they felt once they saw that side of me. I never "loved" them, so it was easy to see them go.

But this is different...the thought of Rhiannon rejecting me actually bothers me. Something that has never happened before. Just the thought of not seeing her smile at me, or look at me with those beautiful brown eyes makes me feel as though I have a heavy weight on my chest. I have a feeling I know what is happening...and it's not good.

The guard opens the door to my cell and I walk in. I glance at the clock on the wall, and see that there is only about a half hour before lunch. Good. I need time to try and get myself together. I walk over to my mattress and pull out some throwing knives that I got from Sionis. I sit on my bed and begin to throw them aimlessly at the wall. The person next door to me pounds the wall in frustration.

"OH FUCK OFF!" I reply back loudly. The pounding ceases, and I continue to throw the knives. I'm frustrated. I'm not stupid. I know what's happening. Rhiannon has wiggled her way into my heart. It doesn't even make any damn sense though. I don't even know her that much. But yet every time I'm around her, I feel this feeling that I don't know how to describe. It's like some type of connection. I felt it the moment I first saw her, and every time I was around her I felt that connection...I felt that feeling. I had suppressed it, ignored it every single time.

But today...during that therapy session...I couldn't ignore it. It was just too strong of a feeling. It intensified as the session went on, and I couldn't ignore what I was feeling.

When she was talking about herself and her life, I was completely under her spell. She had this sweetness about her that I couldn't help but be attracted to. She had this gentleness that I had heard about, but never experienced first hand. Her voice was like music to my ears, it was light and filled with spirit. I listened to every word she said, completely enchanted. Whenever she talked about something that really made her happy, her whole face became more beautiful. At that moment, I realized that seeing her happy made me feel happy, something that I haven't felt in a long time.

I was never a guy to be overtaken by girlish charms...but Rhiannon is different. She is no ordinary girl. She is definitely not like the circus girls that I hung around. Loud, obnoxious, slutty girls. She definitely is not like my whore of a mother. I never believed girls like Rhiannon existed. I always thought they were just fantasies of a man's imagination. Girls that had this natural charm to them...girls that at the same time ignited the strongest feelings of desire.

Desire...

I throw the last knife at the wall hard in my frustration. A frustration rooted in unfilled desire. I fall back on my bed and stare at the ceiling. I never was sex crazy. Hey don't get me wrong I like it. I had my fair share of one night stands while at the circus. It was fun and all, but it did get old. It was the same old thing. We would fuck for a few nights, and then we would go our separate ways. The girls would throw themselves at me, and I would just go through with it because hey why not? I never desired them though. I would just give the favor and go on about my business. But I know there can be something more to it...something more than just fucking.

I'm laying on my bed, and I feel myself harden at the thought of Rhiannon and me. She's the first girl who has ignited in me this desire...a desire that is at a level of intensity like no other. I groan as I remember how she felt when I had my arm around her...when I had her close to me. How I felt her breasts against my chest...her hands on my shoulders...the way she looked up at me with those brown eyes.

I can't help but imagine what it would it be like to be with her. Feeling her naked body underneath me,  me kissing her, our legs entangled with one another. I can't help but wonder what she tastes like, how her skin feels. I can't help but want to be the man that gives her pleasure...that brings her to her brink night after night. I want to be the one that she cries out for when she orgasms...

Fuck...FUCK.

This can't be happening to me. It can't be. I told myself I would never let myself feel like this. It's dangerous for someone like me to feel this way.

How am I supposed to become someone in this city if I let myself feel what I'm feeling? How I am I supposed to become feared...respected... if I allow myself to fall victim to this feeling?

If I fall to this feeling...people will find out about it...and use it against me. I'm making a mistake if I fall to this...this feeling...

I really feel I know what I'm feeling, and its something that I thought I would never fall to.

Is this the feeling that people call love?

For the first time in my life, I am doubting myself. I am doubting on whether I can pull through this...if somehow I can make this work. I want to make this work...I want Rhiannon...I think I...

No. I won't say it. I will not...well not yet.

I glance up at the clock and see that the guards will be coming any minute to let us out for dinner. I get up from the bed and walk to my bathroom where I turn on the sink. I splash some cold water on my face, hoping it will clear my head.

As I look at my reflection in the mirror, I realize that for the first time in my life...I don't know what to do...I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I realize that I need to talk to someone. Someone who is "insane" like me, who has experience in this.

It doesn't take long for me to realize who I need. I smile back at my reflection for I know exactly who I need to talk to...

~ Okay so I couldn't find a good picture so I put up a song that I felt was appropriate for this chapter (and b/c I love the song and the artist :D). I hope everyone continues to enjoy the story! ~