March 4th, 2022
8:26 pm
It has been merely three hours since Marcus proposed, and I cannot stop staring at the beautiful rock resting on
my unworthy hand.
We've all been doing our own things, whether it be dancing, or being swarmed by guests dying to see my new ring, we were all separated in our own worlds, disconnected from each other.
Every five minutes or so I'd look around for Jack, making sure he didn't leave before I got the chance to talk to him, and each time I looked, he was either talking to Bryn or staring blankly at Marcus.
I keep thinking this, but what exactly am I supposed to say to him?
I can't tell him that I regret the uncomplicated words that left my mouth when asked a simple question, I can't tell him that I picture his lips on mine at least twenty times a day, and I certainly can't tell him that I am happy with the outcome of things because that is just simply not the truth.
How sad is it that one of my literal goals is to not be thinking about Jack ten years from now, that I will one day (spontaneously) stop questioning everything and live my life from that point in time and so forth.
As if my love for him was nothing more than a phase.
How can I possibly be committed to Marcus when I am in some ways still mourning Jack.
Prior to the wedding my mother would talk about Jack as if he were dead, like his name was unmentionable and it was such a big secret. Even years after Jack and I were over my mother still swore that I hadn't gotten over him, and of course all along she was right, just how mothers usually are.
"Babe, what are you looking at?" Marcus rests his hand in the dip of my back.
"Nothing," I quickly look away from Jack and back down at the ring on my hand.
"So you like the ring?"
"Marcus it's beautiful," I kiss his cheek and the guilt remains.
"Hey can we go back to the table? I'm exhausted from talking to everybody." I laugh and Marcus nods.
"Yeah I probably should've waited until we were back home, I didn't mean for you to be bombarded."
"How can you even say that? Everything was perfect just the way it happened," I console him, my throat swelling with remorse.
"I love you," He kisses my forehead before pulling out my chair for me.
Almost everyone was seated at the table again besides Jamie and Karma, and the silence that followed almost made me want to be talking to yet another overwhelming guest.
"The ring you chose is beautiful, Marcus," My mother smiles at him, and almost everyone looks down at my under in-oxygenated hands.
"She deserves it," Marcus grins and I feel like the innocent response is still a jab at my character.
"So when are we getting grandkids!" Tom obnoxiously states, and the one topic I thought I could avoid today once again piled me with repentance.
Neither of us knew how to respond, and as I look over at my mom she seems unsettled, disappointed because she knows exactly how Marcus feels about having children.
"About that-" Marcus laughs.
"California and I both agree that children aren't for us, and I'm just glad we're on the same page about it." He looks over at Tom before grasping my hand and squeezing it.
I understand why Marcus is the way he is about children, but it is so unfair of him to cross that bridge completely without discussing it with me first.
