(skip if you please)
this is so old omg
but before I begin this chapter I would just like to voice my opinion on this idiotic Carter situation, I'd love to know all of your opinions as well if you'd like to share them in the comment section. but basically I think everything about the video and the way he handled the situation was disgusting, I mean he started the hashtag #WeLoveYouCarter and a following spree after it was leaked.. which in my opinion is just wrong and sick. he did also claim in a tweet that he would never force someone into doing something they didn't want to do, but is verbally harassing any different? and even though I am not necessarily in the fandom anymore, I do own Twitter and it was obviously trending, I really just felt the need to state my opinion because too many girls go through these kinds of things who don't speak up.
and we all know if this video wasn't leaked, he wouldn't of bothered to apologize or even regret it for that matter, I mean he kept it in his phone all this time. karma is a bitch, right Carter?
I also think it is disgusting that so many girls are still idolizing someone who basically filmed themselves sexually harassing a minor under the influence. (which could of easily been any of you beautiful girls)
my rant is over, and whether you agree or disagree, that is perfectly fine. all opinions are our own =)
(end)
California's POV
Wednesday August 13th, the night of a phone call that had nearly been a miracle.
--
At least one time in our existence we are forced to open our eyes, to accept the undeniable truth and move onward with our lives completely disregarding our pasts, whether it be a catastrophic breakup, or the loss of a loved one, not one person in this lifetime is lucky enough to avoid this inevitable torture.
But for those of you who do happen to get by with just one of these so called tragedies, I loathe you, so completely much that I could perhaps drown you in a pool of your own blood, but that is besides the point. Because right now I am grieving, solely getting by off of one tub and only a tub of ice cream a day. My whole body aches, and not like soreness after a practice or car accident, but almost like my insides are decaying, rotting away as I bury my sadness in cookie dough ice cream.
My insides hurt, so completely much that I don't dare move more than I need to a day. And I swear to my mom that my heart has stopped, because ever since the last time I saw Jack, I can't recall ever hearing my own heartbeat. But isn't that how broken things work? Don't they just stop working? Because right now, even when I am trying to stay completely silent just so I can hear the faint beating of my own heart, I can't. Because it is broken, and has strongly decided to stop working.
Once again I have become a deep dark pit of nothing, I need to completely begin again. To start once more in my life, because I am not strong enough to continue on like this. I can't keep living this way, in constant pain all because of a boy who might not even be alive at the moment, but for some unknown reason I am unable to tell myself that I have lost yet another man in my life, between my father and Aaron I have dealt with more heartache than an eighty year old woman.
My mother calls almost every hour, probably just to see if I am still alive and living. She is traveling Europe at the moment, and I can't imagine the amount of money that is being piled onto her phone bill all because of the constant distant phone calls. She has even offered to fly to New York just to be with me in this time of hurt, but any person who personally knows me is greatly aware that I would never allow someone to do this for me, even my own mother. What I am going through is simply a phase, a long dark storm that I have convinced myself will eventually pass all on its own. And slowly but surely I am trying to be at peace with that.
I remember as a child telling my mother how one day I would become the president of the United States, amongst the millions of other children, I personally would be the one to amount to such success. I was unbreakable, so completely indestructible that nothing any person decided to say could get to my head. That was until I met a boy of course, and just like that, every last ounce of self assurance was dismissed.
I also remember the first time I was introduced to alcohol, and as anticipated as it was, that first swig that chased down my throat almost made me want to cry. It's funny how I am still under age, and have been drinking for over three years now. My mother found out right after Aaron died, when I had hid three different bottles of my fathers liquor underneath my bed and would just drink myself to sleep every single fucking night. And after that I had quit until I came to Omaha, at parties just throwing myself at the liquor tables. I used to bring bottles of whatever was left home with me when my mother had the late shift, just to have Jack follow me to my house and coax me to quit, and as usual I would defend myself saying that I was fine right before the brink of a break down where all I did was sloppily cry into Jacks chest as he quietly ran his fingers through my hair. This was all we were, me a totaled car that he swore he could fix, and him a confused boy who's only focus was me.
I need to start over, I need to distance myself from alcohol, and I really need to think about other people than myself.
I can't keep living this way, in constant confusion about the things I said when I wasn't sober, drinking with Sam these past few weeks has been the most idiotic thing I've done, and I can't believe I forgave him so easily.
And now I sit here all alone in my new college dorm, as my roommate is out exploring the campus nightlife, and I can't help but think about him. And no not Sam, but my boyfriend, or late boyfriend if he happened to have been brutally murdered by any chance.
Either way, I have come to the conclusion that I do not wish to know the outcome of Jacks situation, because whichever way the hand falls I do not think I deserve to be apart of his life anymore. So whether this is farewell or the start of a new beginning, I wish him the absolute best and so much love as I am so guiltily stringing together a new life that I wish to call my own. One where I am not relying on others for happiness and so much more, but one where I can happily state that I am content in my own shoes, away from my past temptations.
Cheers to my new beginning, and congratulations to those who have survived my past existence.
goodnight, Cali Hastings
-
(Next morning, 6:08 AM)
My eyes groggily pry open as my phone blares its loud ringtone throughout the pitch black room.
"Hello?" I quietly whisper as I find my way to the door in nothing but my skimpy pajamas.
"California?" They reciprocate in a quiet tone as well.
"This is she," I somehow manage to close the door behind me with my eyes closed as they refuse to adjust to the light.
"It's me.."
"It's Jack," His voice is now etched into my mind as I listen to his gentle giddy laugh.
"Please do not call me again, I am glad that you're okay and all but I'm not, and I need space. It's your free pass to leave, just please don't ever call me again." I swallow the biggest lump my throat has ever developed.
"Cals-"
"I'm so sorry, Jack. Please abide by what I ask of you and stay away."
"What happened?"
"Goodbye, Jack." I cringe as I end the call and shut off my phone.
Unwanted tears cascade down my tired cheeks as I look down the hall at a passed out girl who's vomit is coating the tightly knitted carpet.
My whole body is in shock as I replay the phone call over and over in my head again, just imagining the things he must have went through.
And suddenly, I can't breathe..
--
I am so sorry this took me so long, and for how different this chapter may be, but I just needed a breather from my old style. plus this sort of gave you a more in depth understanding about Jack and California's relationship in the past.
so thank you for reading and I hope my next chapter won't be to far behind.
love you all!! xx
(vote for a sooner update)
