Secrets I Have Held In My Heart

Chapter 57

The human psyche is weak.

It's easily manipulated, changed, and destroyed, our minds and body can't be trusted. One thing is clear, if you can't trust yourself, how can you trust anyone else? We are all beings forced onto the same plan, to kill and destroy until there's nothing left. It's been this way since the beginning of time.

The human psyche is a dangerous thing, it's a compulsion that makes us do horrible things. All because we believe that it is right, it's what feels good, it's what makes us feel full. We are all starving to feel something.

Even if it's wrong.

We are all a storybook of pain and affliction, a scab on the wound of existence. On nights like these I'm reminded of how easily humans can cause their own destruction without even knowing it. Foolish people that think they have the power to outrun fate.

The man below me screams. I know I told Camilla that I would never do this again, that I would never kill another human being as long as we are together. I promised her. But now I stand above someone who chokes on his own blood.

As soon as I make sure he's dead and all my prints are off everything I touched, I'm speeding home to get to the apartment fast, wanting to clean off all the blood still on my skin. I want to make sure that Camilla won't wake up or August. She'll be disappointed.

As I entered the building, a searing pain shot through my bandaged side where the man had caught me with a lucky knife strike earlier. I gasped, my legs giving way. But I pick myself back up and head to the smaller bathroom to wash myself. I wince as I turn the shower on. The heat of the water fills the small room quickly and soon I'm stripping my clothes. I'll have to burn them later but that's the last thing on my mind right now, all I want is to wash away the grime of the ordeal under a steaming shower.

I study my reflection in the foggy mirror. Pale skin obscured by splatters of blood, a mask of muck. I look like I've been dragged through a blood bath. Stepping into the shower, I sigh in bliss as hot water pounded onto sore muscles. I watched as rivulets of blood drips from my skin and mixes with the clean water as it swirls down the drain, finally releasing their hold on me.

Taking my favorite body wash, I lather up leisurely to try and get the smell out of my nose. I scrub every crevice vigorously, sloughing off the remnants of the fight. Fingers combed through my soaked hair to remove anything else. The hot spray soothed away tension, leaving me loose-limbed and relaxed. All traces of dirt and blood gone, my skin supple and clean again.

I linger a while longer simply basking in the steaming jets. Feeling fully cleaned, both physically and mentally, I finally turn off the water with a satisfied look on my face. I crammed the clothes into one of the drawers before wrapping myself in a towel and making sure everyone is still asleep.

I creep quietly into the bedroom, lit only by the soft glow of a still turned-on lamp. Opening the drawer gently, I retrieved a pair of soft flannel pajamas. I slipped the pants on silently as not to disturb Camilla. Next came the matching shirt, buttons done up with slow care. I pad quietly around the bed and lift the covers smoothly. Sliding in, I settle myself facing Camilla who lay curled on her side. She hums softly in her dreams at the added warmth.

Gazing at her peaceful face, I'm filled with a tender affection. I reach a hand out to lightly brush back mussed locks from her forehead. Camilla sighs contentedly at my gentle touch even in slumber. Unable to resist, I wrap my arms around her frame, drawing her closer against my chest. She nestles into my embrace without waking, her soft breathing like a lullaby to my senses.

Lulled by her comforting presence, I closed my eyes with a small smile. Sleep cam easily wrapped in the peaceful stillness of night, a nice difference from earlier tonight.

Sunlight streamed through the windows as August bounced into our room. "Mummy, daddy, wake up!" he called eagerly.

Camilla stirred first with a smile. "Time for breakfast little man." she took August's hand, leading him to the kitchen. The delicious smell of pancakes and bacon roused me next. I found them bustling about the preparation.

  "Daddy!" August launched into an excited recap of his dreams as I kissed his cheek in greeting. Soon the counter is set and we sit down to eat together. August babbles on as we listened fondly, joining in the easy conversation.

I help August cut his pancakes into bites while Camilla pours him juice and me coffee, making the coffee just how I like it. I look at Camilla and she smiles at me. I smile back. She has no idea what happened last night, and I won't tell her.

I look at August who's mouth is covered in sticky syrup and he gives me a big smile.

I shouldn't have done what I did last night. I know that. I promised Camilla I would never do it again as long as she was living with me. But looking at them both, I'm glad that there's on less scumbag Camilla would've had to put away and I'm glad there's one last person who could've hurt my son.