Secrets I Have Held In My Heart

Chapter 34

I wake up slowly, my eyes staring at the wall beside me. There's a moment of clarity in my mind before everything from last night comes back. He knows.

Spencer knows.

And now...I have to tell August.

I sit up. I didn't change out of the clothes I wore yesterday. I rub my eyes before getting up, changing out of the rumpled clothes, to take a shower. The morning sun casts a pale glow through the curtains, illuminating the room. My head is throbbing from my sleepless nights as the warm water cascades down my back. My heart feels heavy and I can still taste the bitterness of Spencer and I's argument, the words lingering in my mind like a haunting refrain.

My movements are sluggish and drained. I glance at the clock on my bedside table, its relentless ticking a reminder that life has to continue. As my feet touch the cold floor, a wave of sadness washes over me. The truth Spencer revealed to himself- about our son, August- has torn through our already fragile bond, shattering the illusion of the life we were recreating again. He doesn't know that I planned on telling him. But I did. One day I did plan on telling him.

Spencer's door is closed as I enter the kitchen so I can only think he's still asleep or he just doesn't want to speak to me. Fair I guess. I don't want to speak to him either. I make my way to the coffee maker, my steps heavy with a mix of weariness and remorse. I can't help but replay the moment I tell August that the same man he has been cuddling up against and watching Stitch with is his dad. I don't want to see his innocent eyes fill with confusion and longing, grappling with the weight of a revelation too heavy for his small shoulders.

And my mind replays the argument we had as well, the harsh words exchanged in a whirlwind of hurt and anger. Our voices had risen, and accusations flew like arrows, piercing our cores. The pain etched on both our faces. As the last of the coffee trickles its way out of the coffee maker, my phone rings. I pull it out of my pocket and look at the contact.

Mom.

I pick it up with a "Mom? Is everything alright?"

  "Oh of course. I didn't mean to startle you, hon."

  "Oh thank god," I say, breathing a sigh of relief.

  "I know this is probably at the last minute, and you're probably already in the car but August has a question for you, is that okay?"

  "Actually I'm just about to leave so you're not that late. And of course."

I hear the noises of the phone moving from my mother's hand to my son's before his voice appears. "Hi, mumma!"

  "Hi, peanut! Grandma says you have a question for me?"

  "Oh, yeah! Can I stay at Grandma's again? Just one more?"

I glance at the loneliness of the house. The silence of the apartment pressing upon me amplifies the emptiness that now engulfs my world. Tears well up in my eyes, threatening to spill over, as I realize the magnitude of my situation. "Of course, peanut," I tell him

  "Yay! Okay, bye mumma."

  "Bye," I chuckle. I sink into the couch, my body trembling with a mix of exhaustion and grief. I cradle the coffee cup in my hands, seeking solace in its warmth, but finding none. Suddenly, Spencer's door opens and I feel myself sitting up a little.

He looks at me and looks away. And so do I. I stare into my coffee cup as he moves about the house, not saying anything once. Even his footsteps are quiet. I notice he's dressed. He's going out somewhere but I don't ask him where.

But I do ask him another question. "How did you find out?" I look up at him. He's looking at me, too. Wide eyes as if I dared to even speak in his presence. With a deep breath, he leaves the room. I thought I made him angry but he came back and hands a fabric to me. I unravel it and I swallow hard. It's the shirt I gave Auggie, the one I said was his dad's.

  "The shirt. The one you said was his dad's"

  "I know what I said." I hand it back to him.

  "Good. Because I'd rather not repeat the thing you told our son that you wouldn't tell me."

I roll my eyes and take a sip of my coffee as he grabs the car keys and leaves. Now I'm completely alone. I grab the remote and turn the TV on, trying to distract my mind. And soon it works, because I fall asleep on the couch right as I finish my coffee.

I don't think about Spencer. I don't even think about Auggie. I simply think about nothing.

It feels good.