Secrets I Have Held In My Heart

Chapter 23

I wake up in Auggie's arms clutching onto me, keeping me close to him. I can hear his soft heartbeat, his chest gently rising and falling with every intake and outtake of air. I wiggle out of his arms and head to the bathroom and everything snaps back into place.

  "No, no, no, no." I look at the clothes strewn about and the now present ache of my lower body. "Oh, fuck me!" I yell and rush out of the bathroom. I look at the deserted living room couch, he's gone.

  "What is it, mamma?" Auggie asks, his tiny fist rubbing his right eye.

  "Um, nothing baby. You hungry?" I ask him, it's always him before me. Feeding him should give me at least twenty minutes to sit in the shower and think about what I've done, have a mental breakdown, and then come to the realization that we still need to go to Spencer's house later. Auggie hops up on the stool near the island as I begin to cut strawberries into hearts and pour Cheerios into a bowl with no milk.

As soon as he is situated I walk to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I turn on both sinks and look at myself in the mirror. "What...the hell...is wrong with you," I ask myself. "I mean truly what were we thinking?! Fucking Spencer Reid?! The main suspect in a spree killing? We are...so...screwed." I point to my reflection and with hard eyes and tight lips I say, "No more fucking murderers, even if they murder for a good reason you dumbass." I shut off the sinks and walk back out to the kitchen to see Auggie still eating his breakfast. "How is it, munchkin?"

  "Good, mamma!" He mumbles through a mouthful of dry-ass cheerios.

  "Well as soon as you're done, remember to pack some of your toys and your clothes. We're going to Spencer's house."

Auggie has packed an overnight bag, I figured I'd get the rest a little later. Spencer waits outside at my request, then helps me pile everything we could fit into the back of his car. For trying to keep low, he has a really nice car. I thought August would fall asleep but he doesn't, just quiet. He won't talk even though he practically always has something to say. As we arrive at Spencer's place, August stays attached to my hip, crying whenever I'd put him down. After the long drive, I had to go pee so I had to pass Auggie off to Spencer and August wailed the entire time, kicking and screaming for him to be put down and given back to me. However, Spencer is kind and patient, comforting him and asking if Auggie wants to show him his cars or if he wants to see a magic trick.

I feed him before bathing him and when one of Spencer's friends comes to drop off the rest of Auggie's toys, clothes, and my clothes, August bursts into tears and refuses to grab the Spiderman action figure Spencer's friend holds out to him to take. I have to beg him and reassure him to have a drink of water when he exhausts himself. He's fucking terrified and it's killing me.

I try to put Auggie in his own bed, which we had to place next to mine in Spencer's guest room, keyword tried. The guest bed is a little too high for a toddler so I put the extra cushions on the floor surrounding the bed and wedged the body pillow to the side of his little body. He lays next to me as I read him a story until he eventually drifts off to sleep. I decide to turn on the bedroom tv to some cartoons at a low volume in case he wakes up and needs something to soothe him. I decide to stay in bed until the deep sleep hits him.

When it finally does I wiggle out of his hold, shower, and change into some comfier pants and an oversized t-shirt. It's 1 in the morning, and whilst I am exhausted with the day's activities like having to 'move out' of my own apartment I decide to have a little time for myself from having my kid climbing all over me to get away from bad guys who weren't there.

I fumble through Spencer's cabinets looking for a glass. I find one and turn on the tap, filling it with water. I peer into the fridge and my eyes catch a box of strawberries and I take them with me to the kitchen island. I only get through two strawberries before I hear a door open and I sigh, thinking it's Auggie and he somehow managed to safely make it out of bed and waddle down the hallway to find me. To my surprise though, it's Spencer.

His eyes widen when he sees me but then lift up as he smiles. "Hey." He greets me and I give him a small smile. "Auggie okay?"

  "Yeah, he's good." I dig through the carton of strawberries and offer him one but he shakes his head and puts up a dismissive hand. I shrug and bite into it. I watch as he grabs a glass and fills it with water as well. "So..." I say, riffling through the strawberries. "Can't sleep?"

  "I'm not really a good sleeper these days." Fair enough. Can't imagine living the life of a murderer, constantly in hiding, looking over your shoulder as well as just getting out of prison 2 years ago and deciding to leave your job.

I finish up with one last strawberry and move past him to put them back in the fridge. I go to put the used glass in the sink but he reaches out to take it for me, our hands briefly touching. I gasp and look up at him, our eyes staring at one another's.

  "S-sorry," Spencer stutters and puts both glasses in the sink, and trudges back into his room, quietly shutting the door. I stand there for a few seconds, confused at why I reacted that way and wondering the same about him. Like he didn't have his tongue deep inside me the other night. It felt electric, fingers tingling. I never knew a singular touch such as that could even feel like that.

I shake the thoughts from my mind as I walk back to where my son is sleeping.