Secrets I Have Held In My Heart

Chapter 48

I ache and hurt all over. The only reason I could drift off to sleep last night was because I took some Melatonin JJ gave me, but even then it was constant tossing and turning from my side of the bed. Of course, this resulted in me oversleeping.

When I woke, I didn't find Cami beside me. I got up from the bed and looked at my injuries in the mirror before pulling on a t-shirt the best I could without wincing too hard and walked downstairs to find where she's gone.

I found Camilla in the kitchen along with Auggie, Henry, and Michael. All four of them are in the kitchen, using JJ'swooden kitchen utensils for microphones as a music playlist station plays in the background as they make pancakes. Auggie and Michael stand on stools to help Camilla measure out ingredients as Henry pours batter onto the griddle.

I have to roll my bottom lip into my mouth to suppress a grin because the sight in front of me is too heartwarming for me. Which is when it comes to me that I kissed her last night.

I kissed her last night.

I kissed her and that was just that, a kiss. No sex, no foreplay, nothing like that. Just a simple kiss.

I didn't want to stop kissing her, either.

The damper mood ends up being inevitable as I forgot about the cuts and bruises on my face so the second I clear my throat to make my presence known, Michael and Auggie gasp and Henry looks at me with worry. But Auggie doesn't say anything about it, he just hands me a basket of strawberries and says, "Hearts please and thank you daddy."

The day gets worse when I remember that I have to talk to my son about what happened yesterday. I know I need to at least try and get him to understand of what happened and that will probably be far from easy.

Everyone, and I mean everyone, sits at the table in silence. Henry, Michael, Camilla, August, JJ and Will. JJ and Will talk intermittently to Henry and Michael and Camilla talks to August at some points as well but mostly the kids just talk amongst themselves while Camilla, JJ, and Will sit in silence glancing at me every once in a while.

Henry is the first to speak up but it's not a question. "You got a lot of cuts on your face, Uncle Spence."

All I can do is give him a reassuring smile. "I do, Henry but I'm okay. Just have to be careful for the next few days, okay?"

He nods his head but doesn't stop staring. His eyes just scan over me once before he croaks out a small. "Are you okay?" and it's a question that really hits me in the gut.

  "I'm okay. Are you okay, Henry?"

  "Yeah I think so, Uncle Spence." he says before he turns to Camilla. "What about you, Aunt Cami? Are you okay?"

She smiles back at Henry and sits up a little straighter before she answers him, reassuring him and everyone else that she's okay. But she's clearly not and neither is Auggie.

I've found it's rare August never has anything to say. When he's awake, it's a miracle if you find a minute in a day where he's not singing Harry Styles or screaming so to be met with silence from his end has my stomach flipping. He's looking down at his bowl of Cheerios and strawberry hearts, chewing on some cut up pancake pieces, only looking up when I call his name. I give him a smile as I ask her if she has any questions and when a sigh leaves his lips, I prepare myself.

  "I'm okay, daddy." He says, giving me a smile and I almost cry at his face. He's trying to be brave, so brave.

  "Are you sure?" I question him. "It's okay to tell us." I say, talking about Camilla and I or JJ and Will.

  "I'm okay." He says again before going back to eating. I make eye contact with Camilla and she's shaking her head, signaling to me that he's not. I nod, telling her I know and I'll talk to him privately later.

I know it's bad if Henry asked if I was okay. I know it's worse when Camilla told me she'll watch the boys so I can talk to JJ and Auggie alone. As we finish up breakfast, JJ follows Auggie and I to the small den area in her house and I ask Auggie one more time if he's okay. Finally he breaks down and says

  "Why did grandma's friend hurt me?" He quietly asks before he's dropping his hand to twist his arm, showing JJ and I the bruise. "It hurts."

My heart drops into the pit of my stomach and the finger marks bruised into his skin. It's so deep and dark that I feel like I'm going to throw up. The same anger I felt yesterday as I pummeled Camilla's dad into my hardwood floor bubbles up again.

  "Because he's a bad man. I'm sorry he hurt you, Auggie. And I'm sorry I didn't protect you but you won't have to see him ever again, okay?"

  "It's okay, daddy. I'm all better now." He says. But then he's smiling at me as he says, "But a chocolate ice cream would make me feel really better."

I chuckle at his little sly remark and pick him up, tickling his belly. "Maybe we can all go out for one, hmm? Would you like that?"

  "Yes!" He giggles, before telling me to put him down which I do. He runs off to find Camilla surely to tell her, or rather beg her, to get ice cream with his favorite cousins. I stand up from kneeling and JJ's looking at me, her arms crossed over her chest and staring at me like knives.

  "Where've you been?" She bites.

I sigh, my head dropping. "I..."

  "All of a sudden you just show up again? And now my nephew is calling you dad? What the hell happened?"

  "I was...I had to leave, JJ. Everything was too much."

  "And you didn't happen to think that I or the rest of the team would've understood and helped you? You left Camilla to birth Auggie alone?"

  "I wouldn't of if I knew she was pregnant JJ, believe me on that." I say, begging her to.

  "I miss you, Spence. We all did. We all do."

  "I know you do. But I can't go back JJ. Not after I went no-contact and never even told Hotch. And...I don't want to go back."

She doesn't say anything. All she does is reach up to wrap her arms around my neck, pulling me in for a hug. I give in, sniffling a little as I try not to wince at the contact.