Oh. My. Fate?! (BL, Volume 12, Part 2)

207 More Serious Than He Thought

Qiu Ling watched Jing He's expression and only felt more pained. He had almost expected this reply but ... it still hurt to see that Jing He thought so little of himself that he was willing to base every decision in his life on another person's well-being.

It shouldn't be like this.

He had thought so before but the idea was even stronger right now. He had felt it when Jing He fell. He had shared some of the pain when his soul shattered and that had been enough to knock him out for a while. How much worse had it been for Jing He who bore the full brunt of the fall? And how badly had he hurt even before that when his soul slowly fractured throughout the weeks he had been back in his own body? Because that seemed to be exactly what had happened.

Jing He's soul had been impaired because he used the soul-engraving dagger before he descended for his trial. But Tian had apparently healed the cracks this had caused when Jing Yi visited the High Heavens with Xiang Yu. That meant that Jing He's soul had fractured again after that which ... was a very short amount of time. He had only recently returned from the trial after all.

How long had it been until his fall? A month? Six weeks? It couldn't have been longer than that. To have his soul fracture and shatter in such a short time frame had to mean that he had been in agonizing pain for most of that time. Fracturing your soul certainly wasn't something that happened without signs. Even if Jing He hadn't been able to tell what was going on, the anguish should have been there.

"Oh, my love ..." Qiu Ling furrowed his brows and pulled Jing He up against his chest, holding him tightly. "You don't have to be like this. You ... you can think of your own happiness first and foremost. You can put yourself first even if it's just for once."

Jing He nodded but Qiu Ling didn't doubt that he was just doing so to placate him and wasn't actually agreeing that he would do so in the future. No, for Jing He, this habit of always doing what others wanted was already much too ingrained. He might be incapable of making a decision without taking into consideration what others would think of it and how they would judge it. Because of this, finding happiness for himself was made much, much more difficult than for the average person.

For a while, he simply held him. He couldn't undo two thousand years of impact in a single night. No matter how much he wished to help Jing He, he couldn't just sit down and talk it through. Even if he used all the right words, the fear and insecurity Jing He felt wouldn't simply vanish, and as long as he was unable to deal with those, he wouldn't listen to any of his advice either. It wasn't even that Jing He didn't cherish his opinion but that his viewpoint was so vastly different that he would always feel that none of this applied to him. He would take it as if he was talking about somebody else's life.

Qiu Ling bit his lip, his brows furrowed tightly. At this moment, he couldn't say anything. Knowing what he did, how pointless all of it was, the words simply didn't want to go over his lips.

Jing He hugged him back but he couldn't help but wonder if he had said something wrong. Should he have shown more enthusiasm? Was Qiu Ling disappointed because of that? "I ... I don't dislike the idea of having a child if you are worried about this. I ... I simply didn't think about it much yet. I only recently came of age, after all. But if you are in a hurry, I don't mind having one earlier either."

Qiu Ling lowered his head, pressing his eyes tightly shut. He knew he couldn't keep silent though or Jing He would only feel more worried. He took a trembling breath and then slowly exhaled. Clearing his throat, he finally shook his head. "Don't worry about it. I'm not in a hurry either. Anyway, my sibling is going to be born in a few months. How awkward would it be to have a child that close to Jinde and my father's reincarnation? We should wait until their child is grown at least."

Yes, that was the kind of timeframe they should probably work with. Even if Jing He managed to become a trueborn god again, this shouldn't be rushed. Apart from healing his soul, Jing He clearly needed time to heal from all kinds of negative impacts he had received since his childhood. Before they should even think about having a child again, they needed to make sure that Jing He worked through all of that. Otherwise, it would only cause more issues down the road.

He had never thought of this before because while he had always known that Jing He was someone who paid lots of attention to other people's opinions and would try to please them, he hadn't realized how bad it really was. He probably should have, all things that had happened so far considered, but he truly hadn't been able to see it. Maybe this was because he idealized Jing He almost in the same way as Jing He idealized him.

Qiu Ling took another deep breath before he pulled back. Cupping Jing He's cheeks, he made up his mind. "You'll stay for the night, won't you?"

Jing He naturally nodded. Anyway, since he was a fallen god already, there didn't seem to be a reason not to.

"Good. Then ... you can take the letters back and read them when you are alone so you'll feel like I'm with you. For now ... let's have a chat, shall we? We haven't been able to speak to each other for a long time. I think right now would be a good opportunity."