Oh. My. Fate?! (BL, Volume 12, Part 2)

221 No Way to Hide It

Qiang Yan had no idea what to say. His nephew ... had actually come to the Nine Heavens? Even though he had assumed as much as soon as Qiu Ling mentioned 'tasting a little sweetness', he still couldn't quite believe it after he heard his confirmation. "But he ... I mean, he didn't recover yet, did he?" It seemed doubtful. After all, it hadn't been long since Qiu Ling told them that he had been informed by Tian that Jing He had woken up. No, it seemed to have been only a little more than a week ago when that happened. Even though he loved his nephew and wished him the best, he still didn't think it possible that Jing He could deal with his issues that fast. If it was that easy, would fallen gods even exist in the first place?

Qiu Ling shook his head. "No, he hasn't. He ... to be honest, he doesn't seem to be doing that well. But just seeing him felt good." He smiled and petted An Xin who hadn't looked happy since suddenly being pulled up. "He stayed for a while and seemed a bit reluctant to leave. I suppose that is a good sign for the future. He certainly wants to come back."

Qiang Yan gave a hum. "I figured he would. Even though ... well, things haven't always been easy and his father certainly isn't making things easier right now, he still loves his parents very much and ... you, of course."

Qiu Ling didn't respond to that. Thinking of last night, of the way Jing He had looked at him, clung to him, and asked him to go ahead and make him his ... yes, it seemed safe to say that he loved him. It was just that this love was desperate, much more than it needed to be. "I ... feel worried for him."

Qiang Yan had been standing still as soon as he heard that Jing He had appeared. Now, he finally came over and sat down opposite Qiu Ling. "Did he say something?"

"It's not so much about what he said. It's ... his whole behavior. I didn't realize it before but ..." He paused, looking for the right words but finally couldn't find them. "When your sister told me about Jing He's childhood, I understood him a lot better. I think that just came in time because I am having a slightly easier time dealing with this now. At least I can see where some of his behavior is coming from. It doesn't change that it hurts though. Jing He ... should be happy. I want that more than anything else. And yet, I see him worried and uncertain. He ... doesn't seem happy."

Qiang Yan nodded without the slightest hesitation. "He has been like that for a long time."

In the High Heavens, Jing He stared at the water mirror in a daze. Was this what Qiu Ling and his uncle thought? Well, he wasn't that surprised about Qiu Ling's opinion. His lover had mentioned something similar tonight, hadn't he? He wouldn't have thought that his uncle was the same though. Hadn't he always done his best to leave a good impression in front of him and his parents? How come it seemed like his uncle had seen right through it?

He felt troubled by this sudden realization but finally, he could only sigh. His uncle was the God of War, after all. Naturally, his ability to see through people and situations was top-notch. How could he easily be misled by someone as young as him? Assuming that he had such an ability was too arrogant.

Jing He lowered his head, his thumb rubbing over the hem of his sleeve. He didn't want to worry his family or Qiu Ling. But it seemed that he hadn't done well in keeping this from them. Maybe they hadn't even been that surprised when he fell. Maybe ...

His thoughts spiraled again, one worry emerging after the other. He couldn't stop it. In fact, he didn't even notice what was happening. As usual, his mind seemed to work on its own, torturing him with all the worst possibilities of the situation.

Jing He pressed his eyes shut, wishing that he could return to Qiu Ling's arms. Last night, even though he had sometimes worried, it hadn't been as bad. Being close to him, feeling his warmth, and hearing his heartbeat as Qiu Ling tried to calm him down, he had indeed felt better. But now, another day had come and Qiu Ling was in a place where other people could come and go. He couldn't go to him. He had to stay where he was and fight this battle on his own.

Jing He turned away from the water mirror that still displayed the scene in the study. He leaned against the doorway instead, lamenting his own weakness. If only he could be better than this. If only he hadn't been like this in the first place, hadn't fallen, and hadn't made everyone around him worry. If only ... everything was different.

He realized that everything was wrong but that realization didn't help him at all. In fact, the more he thought about it, the worse he felt because he was powerless to do anything about it. He could only accept that this weak, problem-prone self was all he had and that no matter what he tried, nothing seemed possible to be changed about it. Even if he became a trueborn god again, would it really be any different? He suddenly started to doubt this. Yes, more than likely, he would only recover the state he had been in but all the troubles that came with his position and his subpar character would still be there, waiting to consume him again. No matter what he did, nothing would change about that and clearly, he couldn't keep anyone from finding out. Not his uncle, not his parents, not even his lover whom he only wanted to present his best side to. He just ... wasn't all that good and he couldn't keep that a secret.