Oh. My. Fate?! (BL, Volume 12, Part 2)

210 No Way Through

Jing He looked at Qiu Ling with heartache. "It is me who should apologize. I knew that ... I wouldn't remember you during my trial and I knew how dangerous that could be. There would always be the possibility that I would fall in love with someone else and even get married. I ... I knew that but I didn't dare to admit it to you because I felt so ashamed just thinking about it."

Qiu Ling almost wanted to heave a sigh of relief when Jing He finally talked. He gently continued to comb through his hair, faintly shaking his head. "There is nothing to feel ashamed about. This is what the trials are. How is that your fault?" Of course, he would be lying if he said that he hadn't felt a certain sense of crisis when he saw Jing Yi get closer to somebody else.

In fact, he himself had tried to prevent it because he was also afraid: What if his beloved fell in love with somebody else during the trial? What if he didn't want him any longer after he came back and remembered everything? Jing He wasn't a dragon after all. He could fall in love as many times as he pleased. If a relationship far away from the rules that bound him in the Nine Heavens showed him how easy things could be, then what should he do?

Qiu Ling gulped and reached down to grab Jing He's hand that was still lying on his chest. "I will admit I felt jealous seeing you close to others. But I would never blame you. At most, I will be afraid to lose you. That is on me though. I should trust that you love me and that I can't be that easily replaced.

"It's not easy because I ... I have never really seen a relationship like that and I was alone for most of my life. Where am I getting that kind of confidence in myself from?" He shook his head and sighed. "Still, I only worried because I love you so much. I never blamed you for a single thing and ... well, it's not like there was anything serious."

Jing He looked at him in doubt. He really didn't want to remind him but ... "I kissed your father." And even in front of that person's future husband, a person who Qiu Ling seemed to feel closer to than to his actual parents. Just thinking about it, he felt mortified. He had no idea how he should ever face Leng Jin Yu and Jinde even if he actually managed to return to being a trueborn god.

Qiu Ling looked at him and his lips twitched. To be honest, he had almost forgotten about that. "I ... admit that I was a little shocked but it's not like I don't understand why you did it. At the end of the day, that was your attempt at safeguarding our relationship. Why would I be angry about that?"

Qiu Ling squeezed Jing He's hand and slightly furrowed his brows. "Jing He, my love, I am aware of everything you did before you descended to the mortal realm. I know you even engraved your soul in what more or less mimics the curse on my people. You went that far ..." He shook his head, once again feeling distressed on his behalf. "If I can't see even with that how much you love me and that you definitely didn't intend to do anything that may go against our relationship, I'd have to be an idiot."

Jing He hastily shook his head. "Of course not. It's just ..." He hesitated, his own beautiful brows twisting as well. "Even though ... even though I tried, I didn't succeed. Things still happened and I feel ashamed of that. You deserve better." He lowered his gaze and bit his lip. There. He had finally said it, the worry that had been at the bottom of his heart for so long.

He wasn't good enough for him. He had never been and it seemed like he was even less so by now. Too much had happened and too much continued to happen. Even though he tried his very best to do right by Qiu Ling, he never managed to do so in the end. Something would always go wrong, finally making his considerations and careful preparations come to naught.

Qiu Ling watched his expression which might best be described as crestfallen. For a moment, he felt worried that his beloved might start to cry. In that case, he really wouldn't have known how to react. Thankfully, even though Jing He clearly didn't feel well about any of this, that didn't happen.

Qiu Ling hesitated for a moment and then sat up, pulling Jing He up as well.

Jing He looked at him puzzled. His mind immediately flashed the question of whether Qiu Ling would throw him out now. Had he finally realized that this wasn't worth it?

Naturally, this was far from what Qiu Ling was thinking. He turned around, shifted into a comfortable position, and then pulled Jing He onto his lap. His beloved really wasn't making it easy for him. No matter what he said, none of it seemed to stick. He was starting to be unable to think of ways to try and reassure him further and yet, he had to continue because otherwise, it would only get worse.

After a while, he gently cupped Jing He's cheeks, making him turn to look at him. "My love, tell me, if you were to see me kiss another person, what would you think?"

Jing He's gaze flickered. Imagining that ... his heart twisted in pain. As for why Qiu Ling would do so and even bring it up at this very moment ... "It must be because I disappointed you so you gave up on me."

"So you would not love me any less but would only doubt my feelings for you, is that so?"

Jing He nodded. Of course, how could he ever love Qiu Ling less? At most, he could discover new things about him that would make him fall any deeper?

Qiu Ling tilted his head. "Since this is the case, why do you believe that I would be any different? Am I so shallow in your eyes that I would brush off my feelings so easily? Wouldn't I rather feel as well that I must have disappointed you and should do my best to win you back?"

Qiu Ling felt that this argument was very compelling but Jing He immediately shook his head. "How could that be? You're not like me. You're so good, so how could you ever disappoint me?"

Qiu Ling stared at him, truly feeling like he would collapse. Just how ... was he supposed to convince Jing He to treat himself with a little more kindness at least? He could really use some advice right about now.