Oh. My. Fate?! (BL, Volume 12, Part 2)

211 Speak To Me, My Love

In the end, Qiu Ling couldn't think of anything. He had already realized it before but the longer they talked, the more he realized just how hopeless the situation was. Just how was he supposed to undo two thousand years of silent conditioning? He ... he had no idea.

He finally gave up to do anything for the night. Anyway, it was one step forward that he had managed to get Jing He to tell him a little bit about his feelings. He shouldn't rush the rest.

Reminding himself of just how important it was to take things slow, Qiu Ling finally just held Jing He in his arms and told him a little about his own thoughts on the trial. Even if it wouldn't change Jing He's thought process, maybe it could help them speak more openly in the future.

"It was difficult for me. Seeing you like that ... and also knowing that you weren't quite the same person. I think I struggled with that the most." He continued to comb through Jing He's hair. He liked to tell himself that this was supposed to reassure Jing He that they were doing well but ... frankly, he also just liked the feeling.

"We were together but, at the same time, we were not. I continuously missed you and I would run over here to see you, just to feel that it was wrong. You ... couldn't react and I just felt worse. I would still do it again later on." He gave a huff and hung his head, feeling that he had been an idiot. "I actually don't know how exactly the curse works. We bind ourselves to our lover's soul so it should be related to that. True reincarnation might change that so who knows what another life would bring? But the trial shouldn't be like that. I definitely felt similar for him than I did for you."

"Similar?" Jing He couldn't help but ask about this. His feelings about his mortal identity weren't that complicated. It was a part of who he was so he actually didn't feel the need to separate himself from that as Qiu Ling had feared he might. At most, he would look at his thoughts and actions during that time and feel that, sure enough, he wasn't a good person when not restrained by his identity.

Qiu Ling nodded. "Yes, I don't think it was exactly the same. You ..." He hesitated how to continue because he actually wasn't completely clear on those feelings and the reasons behind them. "I am not sure. But when I met you, I knew at once that you were that special person destined for me. I didn't have a single doubt even though I knew nothing about you. It was ... definitely as if fate was at play."

"And it wasn't like this during the trial?" Jing He felt odd about that. If this was about their souls being aligned, then ... should it not be the same?

Qiu Ling pursed his lips. "I don't know and that is what is so odd to me. I suppose ... I knew that this was your soul and we were already familiar so I never had that ... overwhelming feeling of having found home. And that ... that was kind of what it was like that evening."

Jing He nodded. Qiu Ling had told him as much during the trial. At that time, it had pained him because he couldn't see the two of them as one and he always felt that he was somehow worse in Qiu Ling's eyes. In a way, that might not have been too far off.

Jing He felt a bit troubled by this realization. As Zhong Jing Yi, he had been ... different from his current self for sure. The main difference should be that he wasn't bound by his station so he could develop differently. Now, it seemed like Qiu Ling wouldn't like the him who turned out that way. Well, even if he did, it didn't seem to be as much as he liked the current him. That ... he wasn't sure what to make of this.

Qiu Ling looked at him when he didn't get a response and found that Jing He seemed worried about something again. He cupped his jaw and tilted his head, kissing his forehead. "Speak to me, my love. I will tell you whatever you want to know."

Jing He closed his eyes, the worry seeming to have lessened. Anyway, that mortal self was gone forever and what remained was only his current self. Somehow, this current self seemed to be enough for Qiu Ling even if he himself doubted whether he deserved it. This should be enough.

Qiu Ling shifted and kissed his temple, his fingers still combing through Jing He's hair. "Why not tell me what you were thinking? I don't mind, you know? I told you so much about what the trial felt like for me but ... you haven't said much. It makes me worried that it was a bad experience all around. Or maybe that doesn't matter as it is supposed to be a trial?"

Jing He opened his eyes again and looked at Qiu Ling. He never really felt comfortable speaking about such things at length but Qiu Ling seemed to have a lot of questions so it didn't feel right to refuse either. "It ... it doesn't have to be good in the way that you feel that you have a fulfilling life either while you are attempting the trial or afterward. The trials are meant to teach us humility, to see the suffering that is inflicted on people, and to ensure that we won't be tempted to do the same to others in the hope that others won't treat us that way either. I think ... in this regard, there were some lessons to be learned."

"And otherwise?"

Jing He pondered for a moment but wasn't sure what to say. He leaned into Qiu Ling's arms again, resting his cheek on his chest, and finally took the time to actually think about his feelings and actions during the trial and what he thought of them now.