My Girl; A dark romance

Sixteen

*Lily's p.o.v*
I was walking with a nurse around the ward of the hospital, I had been practically sedated for four days and it was good so I could sleep but now I was feeling a bit unsteady on my feet.

"Did you have a nice visit yesterday?" The nurse asked

"What visit?" I asked hobbling along, holding onto my IV pole.

"The young man that came and saw you"

"Who?"

"Tall. Very handsome. Tattoos"

Travis.

"I don't remember" I replied

"You were still quite medicated but he just sat with you for about 30 minutes and held your hand. It was very sweet. Your heart rate evened out when he was there but you went into distress once he left"

Yeah because my body once viewed him as being my safe person. I didn't feel that way anymore and he completely broke more of my trust by coming to the hospital.

He had no right to come here.

Another two days passed and I was staying in the hospital for awhile. I had felt quite suicidal and one night it got really bad. Because I wasn't fully sedated, my nightmares had come back and they meant my screams were more prominent, my thrashing around was happening again, I felt so awfully overwhelmed.

And no matter what, I didn't feel safe anymore.

And I wanted to end all my feelings, the pain.

But I had access to nothing in here.

I tried to wrap the blanket around my neck and that didn't work. Every avenue I wanted to take wasn't going to work. So I cried to myself. I cried so hard I was given sleeping tablets to make me sleep. Thank god they worked.

In the end, I was in the hospital for two weeks. They monitored me so closely. I had multiple attempts at taking my life but now I was on a medication that seemed to calm my anxiety and I was discharged.

The first stop i made was to Jess's apartment. I didn't remember too much of what happened the night I went fucking crazy. I just knew that she had been there and called an ambulance for me.

Jess gave me a big hug when she opened the door and we sat down on the couch. That was when I opened up to her about me being raped. I left out the part about Travis because she really liked him and it wasn't my place to ruin that.

And she told me how supportive Travis had been to her when she came crying to him about my breakdown. Obviously that was how he found out I was in a psych hold.

But I didn't want anything to do with him.

And I hated that he came to the hospital.

I hated that he touched me.

I stayed with Jess that last night and medicated myself enough that I didn't wake up. Then I packed all my stuff that next morning and went to the dorms. My room needed a serious clean and the window to be opened. My phone was charged for the first time.

So was my laptop that I needed to open up. I logged onto my uni emails and read through the weeks of missed emails, un-submitted assignments. I sighed as I wrote a list of everything that I needed to do and then proceeded to take some Valium for the anxiety I was feeling.

I then had to email all my lecturers with my medical certificates so I could get extensions on my assignments and I wouldn't fail.

But then I also had overdue rent bills for the dorm. My mind was going crazy. It flicked to the ideas of suicide but I had to snap out of that thought.

Before diving into my assignments, I went on a job search. I found a few cafes that needed waitresses and baristas which I could do both so I applied.

It was almost like I wasn't allowing myself time to heal. I had to jump back into my work and essentially pretend nothing happened or I would go into a state of pure panic.

So I knew I had to take it easy. Work on one thing at a time and not get overwhelmed by it all. Crossing things off of lists helped me feel motivated.

I opened up the last assignment I had been doing. It was the one I had been doing on the night of my rape and I felt my body tense, my eyes fill with tears and I was so triggered.

I grabbed the Valium and took a bit too much and passed out in my bed.

This was my new life.

The next day. I got a notification for a job interview with one of the cafes in the area.
And it was an online one so I made myself look like I haven't been crying for hours on end in a triggered state. Thank god for concealer.

I met the manager on the video call and we had a really nice chat. She was young and so lovely. The cafe was an organic, eco friendly place and it was so up my alley. Vastly different from the bar.

We got along so well that I was offered the job on the spot to start in a couple days time. So I crossed that off the list of things I needed to get done.

I had a small amount of savings behind me that allowed me to pay off that rent that was outstanding so I had that fresh start. I didn't have to worry about that.

I found as the days went on that I was not eating as much, I had become extremely distant from the world as I locked myself in my room. Frankly I believe that it is because I'm very scared of being hurt again. I felt like if I was locked in here, no one could hurt me.

And I had learnt my lesson to never open the door when someone knocked unless you knew who was coming.