We were never meant to be

Chapter forty-four

9 months later
Aaron
"Is this the solution?" Kayla asks showing me her notebook.
"Cheesecake I don't understand why are you trying to solve this? I thought you had a million assignments to deal with." I say repeating her earlier words.
"Well because you did it so easily. It's not fair. Now I want to do it too. I'm solving the math problem you saw on internet and that's final." She says determined. "Now what the hell does this sign mean?" She points at something in her paper.
I proceed to explain to her the math exercise, which she will never need to use in her life.
These past months things have gone smoothly. The constant tension of the future has almost faded, as for the sexual tension, well that one has increased. I'm trying to keep myself in check, but there's only so much a guy can do.
Since both our birthdays are on August, our families had gotten together and threw us a big birthday party. I thought we were throwing a surprise party for Kayla and she thought they were throwing one for me. In conclusion we were both stunned.
She had secretly baked me a big cheesecake saying 'Happy birthday genius!!'. One, only for me. I almost kissed her right there and then. Afterwards she didn't stop crying for an hour, because of some musical notes I wrote to her. She made it look like it was a big deal, but it was nothing really. It was a short song I composed with my guitar. I mean, not by actually playing the guitar, because my fingers could never. I tried a weird way that took me only four months. But thankfully I had started writing it on April and by the end of August it was done.
As for Kony and Ryan, well they are finally in an official relationship. They have been together for five months now. Not soon after Kayla and I returned to Boston actually.
Kony being true to her word, has helped a couple of times. I don't expect results so soon, but it feels good knowing I'm not alone in this. 
"Okay I think I got it now." Kayla mumbles, looking at her notebook in thought.
"Lemme see." I near her on the grass. We came to study at our place. It calms her down and I see how much she needs it when April's here. The month disturbs her whole routine, because this is the month when most things happened. It's like a constant reminder for her, every spring. I hate what it does to her. She zones out, closes in, has more flashbacks, more nightmares, she's more jumpy, more aware of her surroundings. I hate this month. I hate that she has to go through it every year. If I could take it from her, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
I check her exercise and a smile forms on my face. "It's correct." She squeals in excitement putting her hands up. "Jeez woman, if I knew you'd get this excited for a math problem, I'd teach you all the algebra."
"God no! I hate algebra. I just did it for the competition. Wanted to know how it feels to be as smart as you."
"You are smarter than me." I say, angry at her for thinking the opposite. She laughs like I'm world's greatest comedian.
"Yeah sure. And I can have kids." Goosebumps erupt my body.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Oh I thought we were listing things that aren't true." She says sarcastically.
"Kayla I swear y-" A phone ringing interrupts me. It's Kayla's phone.
"Hi mom!" She answers it. "What?! When?!" I try to catch Kayla's eyes, but she's not looking at me. "Of course you are. Well say hi to them from me. Yes he's here with me. Sure." She hands me her phone. "It's your mom, she wants to say hi." I take the phone from her and put it on my ear.
"Ma?" Why is my mom calling Kayla and not me?
"Sweetie! How are you?"
"I'm good?" I see Kayla's amusement all over her face. "Why are you calling cheesecakes?" I ask confused.
"Well because we're having dinner with her parents and we wanted to see what our babies are doing. We were sure you'd be together." Our parents met on summer and since then, they've been inseparable. It's almost weird how fast they bonded, but I'm not complaining.
"Oh. Well say hi to John and Leila for me." There's a lot of noise in the background.
"I will darling. Do you guys think you can make it home for Easter? We would love to have you over." I look at Kayla in distress. I'm not good at planning holidays, specially without knowing Kayla's thoughts on them.
"What?" She asks me. I cover the phone's speaker with my hand.
"She wants to know if we're going home for Easter. How am I supposed to know that?" Kayla only grins and motions for me to hand her the phone. I do very relived of not having to deal with the matter myself.
"Mom? Yes. Yes he chickened out as always." I frown. "We are not sure, I'll see what days we have off for spring break. Very. Of course! We can do those little cookies Addie and Aaron like so much." I don't even know if she's talking with her or my mom anymore. "No I'll bring that don't worry. Definitely a week. Yes! Tell her please, she'll be thrilled! Love you too mom! Give my love to everyone, from Aaron too." She closes the call then looks at me. "We're probably going home for spring break." I don't understand how, but somehow she made the planning look so easy. Then she goes ahead and spurts nonsense like she's not smarter than me.
"Who were you talking to just now? My mom or your mom?" I ask her genuinely curious.
"Yours. I can't call her Hannah anymore, she's practically a mom to me." She says completely oblivious to what that does to me. I'm about to tell her just that, when her phone rings again.
"Who is it now?" She mumbles. "Oh it's uncle. Hi uncle M! Studying. Why? Oh. Yes of course, I'd love that. No it's okay, I don't mind. Yes I'm sure. Don't worry." She looks at me straight in the eyes. What's going on? "Can I bring Aaron too? He's with me right now." I don't even know where she's going to bring me, but I nod my head, telling her yes for wherever we're going. "Great. We'll be there in 10. Bye." She ends the call putting her phone in her jacket pocket.
"Where are we going?" I ask as she starts collecting her stuff.
"To babysit Theo." She barely whispers. Shit. That's why she won't meet my eyes. She's going to babysit her baby cousin on April. Great timing. This is like a triple kill. Baby, cousin, April. No wonder she asked for me with her. But even if she hadn't, I would've gone anyway.
"Kayl-'' I start saying, but she cuts me off. Already knowing I'm not liking this.
"Don't! He's my cousin Aaron. If he needs me to babysit him and stay with him for the whole night, I will. I love him and I haven't been able to see him this week. Might as well go now." I sigh.
"Cheesecakes it's another thing visiting him and playing with him and a complete other thing babysitting him. It's going to hurt you. And no to mention the month we're in." I explain calmly.
"What about the month?" She asks acting unbothered.
"Don't play dumb with me. It's April Kayla. Every April you are tense, on edge. And don't you dare try denying it." She looks at me angry. Then gets up with her stuff in hand. I follow behind.
"So what? That doesn't mean I won't spend time with my baby cousin when he needs me, because of my insecurities."
"What you have isn't insecurity, it's PTSD. And it's quite normal for what you went through. It's called anniversary reaction. It happ-''
"Okay doctor." She cuts me off again. "I'm going. Either come with me or keep fussing about anniversaries." I huff frustrated. She puts her folders in her bag and then turns to look at me, arms intertwined, all attitude. "So? What's the verdict?"
"You know damn well I'm coming with you. Just...are you sure?" I ask one final time and then take her hand in mine, getting closer. She flinches abruptly. Closes her eyes, breathes deeply and then opens them up again, like she didn't just have a fucking flashback. I let her hand go, she doesn't need anyone touching her without her consent.
"No it's not you." She whispers at the loss of my hand.
"It might not have been me, but I triggered it nonetheless."
"No you didn't. I swear Aaron, you never have. Your presence always causes the opposite reaction. You calm me down." She says that, but she might just say anything only to not hurt me more. She keeps feeling guilty about the night we kissed. "Please look at me." I do instantaneously. "Blue." She whispers. "That blue is my home." She takes my hand in hers.
"Cheesecakes y-''
"No don't fight me on this. If you want to help me, just look at me with that blue and I'll be fine."
Doesn't she understand how much she means to me?
"I'm sure Aaron." She says answering my previous question. "They have to go to a wedding and their babysitter bailed on them last minute. They don't have anyone else. They both asked me numerous times, gave me an out. If I don't want to go, I don't have to. But I do. So please. Please stop disagreeing and just come with." She whispers softly. I nod in pain. What more does she have to go through?
"Okay cheesecakes. You win. Let's go."
***
"Thank you so much for coming last minute!" Anya says hugging Kayla. She then looks at me. "Thank you Aaron!" I just nod. I don't trust myself to speak right now, I might blurt out how unfair this is to Kayla, so I just keep my mouth shut. I don't like talking anyway. Anya must see my unwelcoming gaze, because she looks at Kayla again. "Everything you need is in the bag I showed you and if you have any questions, text me."
"She will." I say. So much for not speaking at all. Kayla looks like she wants to murder me.
"Okay." Anya swallows. "I don't believe we'll stay much. But for anything really, just call me."
"Stay as long as you want, we've got it handled here." Kayla reassures her with the brightest smile. If I didn't know her in and out, I'd too think she was genuine. But now, that smile is the biggest lie she's ever said. I don't buy the act.
"Okay then. I better go, Mike's waiting for me in the car. Thank you so much again! Both of you!" I'm about to tell her to not be thankful at all, but Kayla must have understood my intentions, because she speaks before me.
"Stop...saying thank you!" I feel like that 'stop' was actually meant for me. " Just go and have fun. See you guys later! Bye-bye now!" And then she's gone. The minute the door closes, Kayla turns to me. "You are one insufferable human being! You know that?!" She shouts at me.
"Oh give me a break! If you had smiled any bigger, I'd think your lips would stuck like that. Fakest smile I've ever seen." I mutter.
"You're the only one who thinks it's fake! Everyone else buys it!" She shouts at me. I laugh humorlessly at her response.
"Do you even hear how messed-up that sounds?!" She's about to talk back, but a cry at another room shuts us both up, reminding us of the reason we're here. One look at Kayla tells me she's thinking the same. She heads for Theo's room.
"Have you done this before?" I ask her following behind.
"Done what?"
"Taken care of a baby?" I lower my voice when we enter his room.
"Twice when I was in high-school. Before I learned about me, but after the accident." Kayla stops abruptly making me stumble behind her. I follow her line of sight and see what ceased her. Theo is standing in his crib, cheeks red from sleep, hair ruffled, eyes big and bright, lips trembling about having been left alone, not to mention the tiger pajamas he's wearing. They have a little hood with small tiger ears and Theo has it on, making him look even cuter than he is.
It's everything Kayla wants in life and it's the one thing she can't have. I realize she's probably having a flashback or has zoned out. Either one is not good. This is why I didn't want her to deal with this today, or any day of this month.
"Ba-ba." Theo babbles, happy to see people in his room. That seems to break Kayla's spell and her feet are moving towards the crib.
"Where's my favorite boy? Where's my pretty boy? Did he wake up from his nappy-nap?" I may hate that we're here, but I love Kayla's transformation every time she's near a baby. She utters words I never knew existed.
"Ouch. I thought I was your favorite boy." I say as Kayla picks up Theo.
"You wish." She says still in a baby voice. "He wishes doesn't he?" She asks Theo. He just looks at her, then tilts his head smiling. Kayla chuckles. "He agrees with me." She settles Theo in her arms then heads for the changing cabinet. "Let's clean you up my pumpkino binno chinno." See? This is what I'm talking about. What do these words even mean? "I woveee youu." Kayla sings and tickles him on his tummy. The squeals and giggles he makes are the loveliest sounds to ever come from a human being.
A longing forms in the pit of my stomach. One I've never felt before. And I realize is this. This whole scene breaks my heart. Will I ever have this? With her? Will we ever have this? Because if it's not with her then I don't want it. And maybe that's what the longing's for. The high chance of knowing I may never experience this with her. As I watch Kayla playing and taking care of Theo, I think. Did I not want to come here only because of what it will trigger for Kayla or also because of it'll make us face the unavoidable? It'll force us to see an ugly truth we're not ready for. Will it remind her once more of why she won't be with me? Or will it help her accept the fact that I'm never leaving her and make her understand that I want to be with her despite all the cons?
I guess only time will tell.
***
"Will you stop acting like a baby?! I'm already taking care of one." Kayla shouts from the kitchen. She's making Theo's dinner while I'm charged with keeping him entertained until the food is prepared.
"Cheesecakes I had never even held a baby before today, let alone play with one." Theo is now in my lap blabbering words, or at least trying to blabber words. "I'm the second child, Ryan knows more about this."
"Well I guess you're not a genius after all." Kayla says putting stuff on the blender.
"That's what I've been trying to tell you all this time." I say as Theo clasps his hands trying to reach my face.
"Dada." He coos. I chuckle bringing him closer so he can play with me.
"I'm not your dada, but yes you can pull my eyebrows out." I say as his little hand grabs my eyebrow.
He then stops abruptly and takes his tongue out singing blabberish. I think he's trying to tell me something.
"No way! She said that?! Impossible!" I'm making funny faces and Theo can't stop giggling. Somewhere in the middle of the foreign language, he stretches his small hand and hits me in the face. I barely feel it, but I act like he hurt me nonetheless. "No you didn't! That hurt you munchkin!" I think Kayla's babyish is rubbing off on me. Theo smiles big laughing. "You think hitting me it's funny?! I'll show you how fun it is!" I say as I pick him up and tickle him everywhere. Theo squeals shaking his little legs. I throw him up and then catch him again. He's loving every minute of it.
After playing with him for like 10 minutes, I settle his back in my chest and give him my pointing fingers on both his hands. He tightens his hold on them immediately. Kayla told me it makes them feel safe and helps calm them down.
"Now I'm going to tell you the story of how I met your messy beautiful cousin." Theo coos again. "Yes you heard it right. She came to class all grumpy and messy, acting like she didn't care about no one."
"Yuuu." Theo blabs.
"That's what I thought too. And then I started talking to her, using my charming self and she fell in love with me. Now she can't keep her hands to herself, it's becoming very annoying and embarrassing. She needs to get ahold of herself, really."
"Baba bots bulbi." Blabbers Theo.
"Exactly. That's what I said too." He then lets go of my fingers and stretches his hands before him. I look at him trying to understand why he did that, only to see Kayla standing in front of us with a skeptic look in her face. "How much of that did you hear?" I ask amused.
"Enough to know that you're probably talking about yourself rather than me." She says too self-pleased for catching me.
"Mood killer." I mumble. She's holding a plate with a little blue spoon on it. Some orange...module is in it.
"Well I guess you figured out how to hang out with a baby after all. Just like you figure out everything else." She comments. I scoff. Theo is wiggling, trying to reach Kayla's embrace. I pick him up and bring him to her arms, taking away the plate with the weird food structure away from her.
Two hours later we're both covered in baby food and milk. Theo is sleeping in my arms after Kayla fed him that weird food complex.
I know have a bottle of milk that he's drinking from, his eyes almost closed.
"I need to change him before I put him to bed." Kayla whispers beside me.
"Okay." I take the bottle away and instead give him the pacifier.
"Look at you, already a pro at this." Kayla teases silently. I smile handing her Theo. He curls up comfortable in her arms. She walks away singing to him the sweetest melodies.
She comes back 11 minutes later with a walkie-talkie in hand.
"He's down. And we are done for the night." She plops in the couch next to me. "That is if he doesn't wake up anymore, which is unlikely." I laugh silently with her.
"You tired?" I ask her quietly. She puts her head in my shoulder and sighs.
"A bit."
"Really?"
"Okay a lot." She huffs out a laugh. "'Maybe that's why I'll never have kids. They'll tire me out." She laughs some more, but this time without humor.
"Lies. You secretly loved every minute of it didn't you?" I say looking at her eyes. I can feel her calming down at my blue as she likes to call it, even so a tear slips her eye.
"I did. I really did." Kayla whispers. She closes her eyes and then tucks her head in my shoulder crying silent tears. I put my arms around hugging her, needing to protect her from everything in this world.
I grasp it then.
You don't only mourn from losing someone. You also mourn for something you never got to experience. You mourn the possibility of a life you never got the chance to have, to live.
I register the many kinds of losses there are. And my Kayla has experienced every one of them. This world has taken too much from her.
"I know we don't say it, but I have to my cheesecakes." I whisper, my lips at the top of her head. "I love you. So much." In return she just tightens the hold she has of me and then sobs, as we both mourn the loss of our future. She breaks as we both mourn the possibility of what we could have been, accepts what we are as we mourn what we would have been, should have been.
We hurt as we mourn the love we never got the chance to grew.