We were never meant to be

Chapter twenty-six

TW- this chapter may contain disturbing content. Rape, suicide, illnesses. Read at your own risk!!

Aaron
"Just got home. Sweet dreams cheesecakes. We have a big day tomorrow:)" I hit sent the minute I'm in, knowing she's waiting for my text. Two minutes later I get her reply: We do.
That's weird. It's not like cheesecake to send such a dry text. I'll ask her tomorrow about it.
I take my shirt off and realize I have cheesecake on my chest. At the reminder, a big smile appears on my face, along with it all the memories of tonight. The way she looked at me, waiting for my reaction, after she bought me cheesecakes. The way her eyes sparkled, when I showed her the book. The way her breath got caught, when I would get too close.
God, I love her.
And just like that I stop what I'm doing and freeze. I love her. Love. I start laughing. I mean, I knew it would happen eventually, I knew the moment she walked through that door, the first day of school, but I didn't think it would be now. This fast. But it's true, I can't deny it. I don't want to. I love her. I'm in love with her. I'm perfectly happy with the fact. I'm in love with Kayla Everson and there's nothing I want to do about it.
***
I'm putting over a shirt, when I hear the doorbell ring. Who the hell would be here at 7:30am?
I go to the door looking through the peek-hole , only to be struck. I open the door immediately.
"Cheesecakes? What on earth are you doing here this early in the morning?" I ask, but Kayla's only looking at me. She has this determined look on her face and I have no idea what's going on. And then...
"You won the bet Aaron."
***
We're both sitting at my couch and I have no idea what's going on.
"How did you know which apartment I was in?"
"I asked Ryan." She says and I nod. And then we're both quiet, again.
"Shouldn't we be getting off? We're gonna be late." I say.
"We're not going to school today." I'm literally at loss for words. "If that's okay with you." She adds.
"That's okay with me." Say something Aaron. "May I ask why?" Great question dumbass.
"Because you won the bet Aaron." There it is, that sentence again.
"I won the bet?" I ask and she nods.
"Yes. You promised me that, by the end of the semester, before Christmas, not only would you prove to me that you're not like other guys, but that you would make sure I trusted you, more than I have trusted anyone ever. You won Aaron. You proved me wrong. And I do trust you. So now, I owe you an apology for underestimating you, but I also owe you an answer to whatever question you'll ask." She takes a deep breath and keeps going. "So, I'm sorry I underestimated you, Aaron Andrews." She finishes and I'm stuck. I don't know what to say. When I woke up this morning, I never would have imagined this.
Seeing my speechlessness, Kayla breaks the silence again. "Ask the question Aaron." She says so firmly. Emphasizing 'the question' long enough, letting me know, she wants me to ask 'the question.' She's ready to answer. Understanding flashes in my eyes and I nod. She's going to tell me. Taking a deep breath, I prepare myself for what's to come next and I ask the question.
"What happened Kayla? What happened to you? What is 'the accident'?" She takes a deep breath. Faces me. And once she starts, I'm not able to do anything, but listen.
***
"I was 15 when I got raped." I suck in a deep breath and somehow manage to stay sane and not speak. "His name is Jack. Jackson Tyler." She closes her eyes and when she opens them again, something tells me this time she won't stop.
"I'd always have a happy environment around me. I had a lot of friends, a lot of vacations, a lot of gatherings, a good school, a good life. Everything a 15-year old girl, could want. You know about all my friends, the girls, Kony and Annie." I nod, indicating for her to continue. "Yes. Well what you don't know about me, is that I also had my closest friend Aaron." I don't think I'm breathing anymore. "He was also my cousin. Our moms were sisters." I don't miss the past tense in these sentences. "We grew up together, we were very close. Both our families. We were blood after all. I used to do everything with Aaron. Since we were babies. All my friends knew him. They loved him. Everyone did. He was something else. Too fragile for this world. He would always act like my big brother, even though he was only two months older than me. He'd try to protect me and call me his little Kayl all the time. " She sighs and proceeds.
"Aaron had this friend. Jack. He would hang out with him sometimes. It was very weird to me as to 'why'. They had nothing in common. But anyway, Aaron had a lot of girl friends, I wanted him to have a boy friend too. Talking about boy stuff, I don't know." She looks at me and then changes her mind, looking away again. "There were times, when he'd come to hang out with Aaron, while I was with him and I didn't feel comfortable. He would always find ways to touch my hands, my hair, my legs, my butt, my chest. At first I thought I was probably exaggerating, but then I realized he was hitting on me. Or so I thought."
"I told him, many times, that I'm not interested in anything, but he wasn't taking no for an answer. So then I told Aaron. I told him, how he made me uncomfortable. How I didn't like him and thought he wasn't that good of a guy. I genuinely thought, Aaron would disagree and defend him, but he only said, 'No worries my little Kayl, I'll talk to him. He won't bother you anymore.' So he did. Aaron talked to him. And he didn't bother me anymore." She looks at me then. "I thought it was over." She whispers with such desperation, and my God if I don't feel like killing Jack at that moment.
"One night, Aaron and I had gone out for a stroll. It was 9-ish. Not too late. Jack found us. He stayed a bit. And then left."
"He left." I say, but we both know that didn't happen. "He didn't leave, did he?" I ask, my voice full of fear.
"He didn't." She whispers. A tear escapes her eye and I want to hunt down that son of a bitch and make him regret that he even breathed the same air as her.
"He waited for Aaron to leave. Once I was alone, going home, he...he um." A lot of tears are flowing down her face now. "He came from behind me and put his hand over my mouth so I wouldn't scream." She's barely saying the words over all the crying.
"I tried. I tried so much to wiggle out of his rough hold, but I couldn't. He uh, he found an alley. I had never been there. It was dark. So dark. It took him somewhere to 6 minutes to bring me there. He shoved me through dark corridors and alleys, so no one would see. When I would try to leave, he would hit me, in the face, hard. And then he stopped, somewhere." She hiccups and I've had it.
"Cheesecakes, stop. Don't go through it again for me. I don't need to know. I'm sorry."
I say, but she's shaking her head.
"No Aaron. I want to. I need to. I need to be free of it." She says and as much as I don't want to, I understand. So I nod and let her go on.
"He tied up my hands. Put a cloth on my mouth and, and...uh, and then he...started to uh.." she's sobbing now and I can't watch this, my heart can't handle seeing her like this. I will kill him. With.My.Bare.Hands. But I get myself together, because she needs me right now. "He unzipped my pants." She says so quietly, barely even a whisper. And then she gasps. Like she can't breathe, like she's in that alley again.
"Breathe cheesecakes. You're not there anymore, you're here. With me, safe." I say and she starts breathing.
"He kept shoving me to the wall." She continues. "Caught both my legs, because he didn't want me moving them and he, he...he raped me. For 40 minutes. Again and again."
"And" gasps.
"He" gasps.
"Wouldn't" gasps.
"Stop" gasps.
I'm barely holding my tears, but I need to be strong for her. I have to. I clench my teeth and manage to swallow the lump in my throat.
"After, he threw me to the ground and left." She keeps hiccuping and I can't watch her like this. It's killing her.
"Love, let's both breathe a bit and then you can continue if you want to. But let's breathe a bit. Please. Do it for me, please." I say and she nods, tears still covering her pretty face.
"In and out. In. Out. With me. Come on. You're my cheesecakes, you're my strong cheesecakes. You're the best thing in my life." I would have told her, I love her, but I can't tell her right now. Not when she's barely breathing. I can't drop a bomb like that now.
She just keeps nodding and breathing with me. I love her so much. So much.
After a while, she's better. She's still has bloodshot eyes, but she's not crying anymore. And she's breathing.
"I'm better. Thanks." She whispers. She cleans her tears with her hands and continues. And I wonder, how many times has she had to do something like this. To dry tears and go out like nothing's wrong.
"I didn't know where I was. My legs weren't working. I couldn't stand, let alone walk. I took the clothe off my mouth and tried to take the rope off, but I couldn't. It was too strong and I had used all my strength fighting him. I don't know how I managed to call dad. Everyone had apparently been looking for me. I must have had millions of missed calls, but I was in shock. I had no idea what was happening." She looks at me then.
"They somehow found me. The medics first. According to them I was on the ground, in shock, shaking and crying. After he left, I don't remember much. I woke up on the hospital and felt sore. Everything felt sore and my head was pounding." She takes a deep breath. "My parents were devastated. My friends couldn't believe it. And Aaron...Aaron wouldn't look me in the eyes." A tear slips her eye again.
"A doctor came in. Told me I was raped, that I had 11 stitches and that my body was going to take time healing from the injuries. I was severely dehydrated, apparently and needed bed rest." I think my heart was just shattered in 11 pieces.
"The following day, my parents pressed charges. And a month later a trial date was settled. We didn't have a very good lawyer and not all the evidence were presented. Not to mention, I didn't get to testify in court, because I was under age. The trial lasted somewhere to 20 days and on April the 17th, Jackson Tyler was founded not guilty on all charges." I close my eyes and try to hold myself in one piece.
"If my family and friends weren't devastated before, this time they got a hard blow." Kayla's shaking now. I have a feeling the worst part isn't over yet.
"I changed school, saw three psychiatrists. None of them did a thing, honestly. I lost my faith, because why on earth God would let something like this happened to me? But I put a smile on, for my family, for my friends, for Aaron." I can see her preparing herself for whatever she's gonna say next.
"But that smile, in the end, it didn't matter. Aaron had other plans. Two weeks after the trial, on April the 29th, Aaron killed himself." I suck in sharp breath.
"I went to his house that day. It was my first time leaving my house alone again, after the accident. And I only worked up the courage, to get Aaron out of the house. Because ever since the trial, he couldn't bare to see me. He felt too guilty. So I thought I'd go there and show him that I'm getting better, that I'm improving. That he should stop blaming himself, because it wasn't his fault." She's started crying again now, but this time she's also shaking.
"I went in and there was no one home. I called his name, but he wouldn't answer. I went to his room and he wasn't there. Deep down I knew, I knew the moment I stepped in that house, that something was wrong, something felt off. But I couldn't admit it. So I went into the bathroom. I opened the door and there he lied. Stiff...white, so so pale. His eyes...Aaron, his eyes, they were open. His eyes were open and they had dried tears on them. His body was still warm. There was almost dried foam out of his mouth, pills...th-, they were scattered all over the floor. I-, I- didn't even know what it was, that he took, but whatever it was, he got a large dose of it. I tried, I called 911. I thought they somehow might save him. People have survived overdoses before, but he was already gone, when they came." Her voice was shaking, she was shaking, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to soothe her, to take her in my arms and never let her go, but I didn't know if that's what she also wanted, so I let her continue, because that's what she needed.
"I saw all of this, unable to move, on the floor. While the medics were still in, Naomi came, his sister. When she saw him, she screamed and then fainted. One of the nurses tend to her help and I, I went outside. I went outside and I threw up. I, I, I screamed. After all that time bottling it up, I screamed and screamed and screamed. And then I cried, sobbed. Until I had no more energy left in me and so I collapsed."
She's shaking too much, I don't like this.
"Kayla, listen to me. You need to stop. Cheesecakes you're shaking. I'm afraid something's gonna happen to you. Please." I beg, but she won't have it.
"Aaron I need this. Please do- don't stop me anymore." I nod, but I'm so scared. My God, what has she been through?
"After the funeral, my aunt came to me and gave me a letter. Aaron has left it for you, that's what she said. But, but, I- I still haven't opened it. I can't. Those are his last words to me Aaron. And if, if I read them, there's nothing he can say to me ever again. Because he's gone. He's gone. He left me Aaron. He left me." Oh my love.
"Four months later, Aaron's mom, my aunt, was diagnosed with brain cancer. Apparently the stress from everything, had caused it. She died within a month. I tried and tried to get meaning of what was happening, but I couldn't. Naomi has left the house, to study abroad. She couldn't stay there anymore, she was like a big sister to me, but she had to go. And I understood her. Her father still lives there, alone." She's gasping for air and I'm barely staying put. My love, what have they done to you?
"For a long time, I didn't understand why everything had happened. Why Aaron killed himself," she says that like she can't fathom the fact. "when I didn't hold him accountable. You know, Aaron and May, they were in love. They were going to wait until college, so they could start a relationship. May took it so hard." She hiccups again.
"After everything, I was numb. I didn't know who to grieve for more, my cousin, my best friend, my aunt or myself. I was lost. Tired, exhausted, drained. Therapy was useless. I didn't know who to turn to. The only thing, keeping me from doing the same thing as Aaron, was my family. I saw what Aaron's death did to them. I didn't wanna be more of a burden than I already was." The fact that suicide had even crossed her mind, made me feel so angry. The fact that she might have not been here right now, showed me more how much she means to me. I would die, than have to live without her. My cheesecakes. How could she even think that she was a burden? She is a walking miracle.
"After my aunt's funeral, I was in a very bad state. I lost the woman who was like another mother to me. I lost everything. My friends kept trying, but I shut them all out. I was afraid that if they kept being my friends, something would surely happen to them too. Because why wouldn't it? Everyone around me was either dead or gone. I kept my distance, with those who were left. I didn't care if they saw me as heartless. I would rather be heartless than a murderer." I can't. I can't do this. I can't just stay here and be helpless, while she pours her heart to me. A tear slips my eye and she extends her hand to wipe it. With her finger. She's the one who got knocked down over and over again, and she's consoling me. Where did they make you?
I take her hand from my face and I intertwine our fingers together. She finally takes a deep breath and I'm about to say something, when she speaks.
"One day, about a month after everything, I woke up feeling awful. I had a nightmare and after I got out of bed, I was in a crisis. I was shaking, I wasn't breathing. I was having a severe panic attack. I got diagnosed later. It was 5am. I had no idea what to do, it felt like my chest was getting cracked open and I couldn't stop it. I didn't know what I was doing." She's looking at me now. And I give her all my attention. One she'll always have.
"Next thing I know I was in my dad's car, driving. I was 16 and had learned how to drive, just so I could keep my mind off my life. I drove and drove, I made 33 miles and went to the first beach I saw. I stopped the car and got out. I don't know why, but the sea, water, had always made me feel better, safe, at peace. So I walked to the shore and sat. I was still in my pajamas and was seated on sand, while the waves of the sea, would drench me. I didn't have a care in the world."
"It was the end of August so the weather was still nice. I sat there and I cried, I cried and cried. I sobbed. I screamed. I grieved. All I could think was: 'This is all my fault. If I had been more careful, with Jack. If I had dressed better maybe. He wouldn't have raped me. He wouldn't have to go to trial. He wouldn't have to be founded not guilty. Aaron wouldn't have to kill himself. I blame myself for Aaron's death every second of every day. He wouldn't be dead, if it weren't for me. The doctor said that he died five minutes before I was there. If I had gotten up the courage to leave the house before. If I hadn't gone in and out, in and out, in and out of the house for 15 minutes, I would have arrived in time. I would have saved him. I would still have him with me. I would still have aunt Jen. I would still have everything. And now I have nothing and it's all my fault. They're gone and it's on me. I'm the one who got raped, I'm the one who brought this on everyone. I should die for it.' These are the thoughts that circulated on my mind that day and I don't know how I managed not to drown in the peace of the sea and never come back." Now I'm the one who's shaking. My cheesecakes.
"I somehow stopped crying and got up. It's exhausting you know? Missing someone. It's a never ending agony. And it tires you. It drains all your energy, all your reasons to wake up in the morning." She inhales deeply, as if she's still trying to heal. Something tells me that's true.
"I sat on a bench nearby and I was deciding wether to go drown or go home."
"Kayla." I whisper. My voice full with pain.
"I was thinking, if there is a God, He surely didn't love me. And then, the second I finished my thought, a man came. He must have been in his 40s. He sat on the bench with me. He looked like a nice man, but I knew better than anyone else, how much looks can be deceiving." She looks better now. She's not shaking anymore.
"I was about to get up and leave. But then I thought 'well I've gotten raped before, how worse can it get, if this man's dangerous, at least this time, I'll make sure he kills me.' So I stayed. He didn't appear dangerous after all. He was just staying there, watching the sea. Like he understood me. Like him, just like me, was going through something hard too." I squeeze her hand lightly, to let her know that I'm with her. That I love her.
"While I sat there, I decided I was going to drown. I was just waiting for this man to leave, so he wouldn't have to witness such a horrible sight and be ruined for the rest of his life. I had destroyed enough lives. I also didn't want him to save me, in case he'd be someone to do something like that." If I ever complain, one more time, about what's wrong with my life, I might just kill myself.
"But this man wouldn't leave. I was getting angry and impatient. Someone was going to come looking for me soon and I had to get it done. And soon. Yet he didn't move."
"I was about to get up and find an empty corner when he said something. He said: 'Sometimes God lets some ugly, horrible things to happen, so we can understand something more significant, more important. And you just don't get it. You don't want anything to change. You want your old life back. But you can't have it. You're angry at Him. Hurt. You want to leave this world, while He waits. That's what He does. He waits for you. He has a plan for you. A life. A better one. But you don't want that new better life, you want the old one back. And while you suffocate yourself with the past, a whole future is slipping away. A whole lesson that He wanted you to have, is still waiting for you to learn. But you're all caught up in the unfairness of the situation, yet He waits for you to believe in Him. Because He know life is not fair, but He is.' At that I was angrier. He was talking to me about fair. Did he have any idea what I'd been through? So I asked him. 'God is fair?' I asked full of judgment, of disbelief.
The man just looked at me and said: 'He is justice. He didn't cause you your problems. The devil did. He probably challenged your God and told Him that if I put all the unfortunates accidents on her, on Your daughter, she won't be faithful. She will not love You. She will fail and leave You. She will disown herself as Yours. But God knows His daughter. He knows His heiress. He knows his faithful daughter won't fail herself. And so He tells the devil that he's wrong, that His strong girl is a fighter and won't give up. Know child, God is not the cause of your worries or your problems. He is the solution. The bad comes from us. The man. Humanity. He only loves us and waits, with hope.' I'm pretty sure the minute he finished I gasped for air, but he didn't let on that he heard me. Tears were flooding my face and I was finally breathing, after all this time." We're both crying now.
"That man saved me. God used him to save my life. He left saying 'if all else falls, with Him you will not. Have a good life kid.' And he was gone. I never saw him again. I don't know why everything happened, but I know it happened for a reason. God didn't kill Aaron, he didn't kill Aunt Jen. God didn't destroy me. People did. Jack did. I went Home that day. And I haven't left ever since."
***
Afterwards, we're both laying on the couch. A blanket draped over us and Kayla's head is placed on my chest. We both finished crying and she's exhausted. I'm pretty sure, telling all that story drained her. My love, my cheesecakes.
She sits up and looks at me. "I don't tell people, because they start looking at you differently. As if you're fragile and in need of help all the time. I'm not fragile, and I don't need help. I know you won't treat me like that, because I trust you and that's why I told you." I feel like there's more, but now's not the time.
"Cheesecakes, if you're fragile, then all of us are already broken. Are you kidding me? You are the most amazing, out of this world extraordinary person I have ever met. And I have you all to myself." I whisper and she laughs. There we go, that's my cheesecakes. She sits down again and puts her head on my chest. I'm playing with her hair, when a question pops up in my head.
"Cheesecakes?"
"Yes Aaron."
"Did people treat you like that, when they knew? Did they all kept their distance, because they didn't know what to say?" I ask.
"Most of them yes. But not many people knew. I mean, it was all out on newspapers, '15-year old girl gets raped and the rapist verdict is not guilty. Where is the justice?' But my name never got out. Only people who were very nearby knew." She explains and I freeze. It can't be. No, no it can't be.
"Kayla?" I ask and at the mention of her name she stiffens, knowing something is up.
"What's wrong?" She asks.
"Your story got out on the newspapers?" I ask, waiting in suspense for her answer.
"Well yes. Since there were charges and a trial, it was impossible for the story not to get out. Why?"
"Kayla cheesecakes. You're the reason I chose law."