We were never meant to be

Chapter thirty-eight

Aaron
You know, it's one thing to feel hurt beyond words and it's another thing to have the knowledge that the person you love most in this world caused it.
I step out of the motorcycle, apartment keys in hand. I meant it when I told her that I didn't care if anything happened to me. If I did actually go through the hell that I went through then. I would welcome it, if it meant that I didn't have to feel the torment I'm in now. Does it ever end? Does this pain ever end? I'm not even mad at her. How can I be? I see her reasoning. I understand where she comes from. I would have done the same thing if I were in her place. I just don't care. I don't care about anyone, but her. I would sacrifice everything, just to be with her. And she would rather die than be with me. I flinch again when I recall her words. At first, I actually thought someone had stabbed me in my chest and was dragging the knife all across it. Because there was no way some words, could have a worse effect than actually stabbing someone. Turns out I was wrong. Words, I think, have the power to downright ruin you.
I feel physically ill. Drained of all my energy. Exhausted. I just want to close my eyes and forget this evening ever happened. I want to go back to Christmas, when everything was good, but I can't. I can't do anything, but endure it. And that brings anguish to my soul. Makes me want to weep and sob. I want to scream, in desperate need of deliverance. In great need of being free of this, this dark void that has become my heart. I can't do anything.
She asked me to kiss her.
And yet she's the one who regrets it.
God, that kiss.
Her lips, her tiny breaths, her scent, her soft hair and her hands all over me. I was surprised when I didn't die right there and then. But I guess, a worse death was awaiting me minutes later.
I unlock my apartment door and get in. I'm so weary, I don't even know how I'm standing. Closing the door behind me, I step in. I'm about to bend to unlace my shoes, when I hear my phone ringing.
It's her.
I know it's her, but I don't think I have the heart to answer it. I'm about to let it ring, but I don't think I have the heart to ignore it.
I press the button and put the phone on my ear.
"Kayla, I'm home, fine, please do-'' I stop talking, when I hear her crying. "What's wrong? Kayla what happened?" She was safe, when I left her. I saw her close the door, before I left. What if she got out? Desperate to make things right. I should have waited there a few more minutes. I shouldn't have left immediately. But I was so hurt, I couldn't think straight. If anything happened to her, I would never forgive myself. "Kayla, please you're scaring me. What is going on?" She hiccups and if it's possible for your heart to break more than once within the hour, I think it just happened.
"Aaron." She whispers in tears. "It's my grandpa. He..he had a heart attack."
"I'm on my way."
***
As soon as she spots me from the hospital chair, she gets up and runs over at me. She's about to hug me, but then stops herself remembering what went down between us, thinking I don't want to touch her, unsure if I would want to get close to her. I don't care. I need her. And I'm more than sure she needs me right now.
"Come here." I whisper at her. She doesn't think twice before throwing herself on my arms. I hold her tightly. She starts crying on my shoulder and I hold her.
God, I'll never leave her. I'll never let her go.
"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry." She whispers at me. I just cradle her. Hold her head.
"Shh. It's okay. You have nothing to be sorry for." She just shakes her head.
"I love you so much, I'm so sorry." Those words do something to me every time I hear them. Something I can't even begin to explain.
"It's okay my love, I'm here now. I love you more." After a bit, she quiets down and we both sit at the chairs.
"Have the doctors said anything?" I ask her.
"No, nothing. He's still in the operating room." She gulps and I'm holding her cheeks. Drying her tears.
"What happened?"
"When I went home, everything was fine. Then I heard my grandma screaming. I went to their room and realized grandpa was having a heart attack. I called 911 and then got in the ambulance with him. I told grandma to stay home and call my uncle. He should be here any minute now. Then I called you." She whispers and brings my eyes to mine. "And you came." A tear slips her again. I dry it with my thumb. "After I hurt you, so cruelly. You came." She says putting her head on my chest.
"I'll always come for you cheesecakes." She sobs then. I hold her again.
"I thought you'd never call me that ever again." She says gasping. I take her face in my hands, full of tears.
"You're always going to be my cheesecakes." I whisper to her. "No matter what we are, you'll always be the best part of my life."
"I don't deserve you." She says so painfully. "You're too good to me." More tears rush from her face. I kiss them all away.
"I'm far from good love." I tell her in a hushed voice. "I love you so much." I say then. She squeezes her eyes closed.
"I love you more." She says.
"Not possible." I reply.
"Aaron, about what happ-''
"Kayla?" A man's voice calls her. Kayla's eyes shift behind me. She lets go of me and stands up. It's her uncle. She goes up to him and hugs him. They talk in hushed voices. I give them some privacy and then get up to meet him.
"Aaron? How have you been?" He asks. I've met Kayla's uncle once before, under better circumstances. We hit it off immediately.
"Good Mike." He also asked me to call him Mike. "It's good to see you. I just wished it were under other circumstances." I say to him as I shake his hand.
"Yeah. Me too." He swallows. "Thanks for coming. You didn't have to."
"No I did. I couldn't leave Kayla alone." I reply to him.
"Yeah, thanks for that too." I just nod. "How's Anya?" I ask trying to steer the conversation somewhere else.
"Good. She's coming along now. Not too far away." He says and I smile.
"That's good."
"Yeah." He looks at Kayla then. "Do any of you want some coffee? I'm go-'' At that moment the doctor comes out of the room. We all straighten up. I feel Kayla stiffening besides me. He takes his gloves and mask off.
"Doctor." Mike shakes his hand. "I'm Michael Chase, the patient's son." He says.
"Hi Mr.Chase." The doctor says back. He then looks at me. "I'm about to share personal information with the family. No one else except family. It's protocol. Are you family?"
He asks me. I'm about to reply that I'll step back, but Kayla's faster.
"He's my fiancé." Both me and her uncle look at her like she has lost her mind. But she isn't looking at either of us. Just the doctor. The doctor looks at me again, waiting for confirmation. I just clear my throat.
"Y-Yes. I am." That made me happier than it should have. And I need to stop acting like an idiot in such a situation.
"Okay then." He looks at Kayla. " The patient is steady for now." As soon as he says those words I hear Kayla letting out a deep breath she was holding.
"What do you mean for now?" Mike asks.
"We still don't know how the night will go. We might have complications, so I would like to keep him here for two to three days." The doctor explains.
"But he's okay?" Kayla asks him.
"For now, yes. I just hope that it continues this way. We'll do our best." He assures us and we just nod.
"When can we see him?" Kayla asks again.
"It's better not tonight. Tomorrow morning we'll know more." The doctor says. Both Kayla and Mike are too involved in this to form any kind of sentence now.
"Okay, thank you doctor. Please keep us in touch." I tell him and he just nods leaving.
"I'm gonna go call grandma." Kayla says leaving too. Once Kayla's out of earshot Mike turns to me.
"How is she?"
"She's holding there. She's strong." I tell him.
"The strongest." He says. "Thank you for being here for her. She's been happier with you. We all see it." I just nod, unable to form words. I have no idea what she wants from me. One minute she's pushing me away and the next she calls me her fiancé, says she loves me.
"I'm going to go get some coffee, looks like we'll be staying here the whole night. Do you two want any?" He asks me.
"Yeah, thanks." I reply as he leaves. I go to sit at one of the chairs. I put my head down, hands over my head and sigh. My God I hope Mr.Chase will get better. I can't imagine what another death could do to Kayla. I stay like that for a bit and then raise my head again. I'm surprised to find Kayla there, watching me. I catch her drying a tear that had escaped her and frown. Then she comes over to sit next to me.
"Hey." I say.
"Hey." She says back.
"How is your grandma?" I ask.
"She's okay. Relieved, but still shaken." She replies. "She's glad you're here." I just nod, a ghost of a smile. "I'm glad you're here." She whispers.
"Kayla-''
"No we need to talk about this." She cuts me off.
"Your grandpa just had a heart attack. We're in the hospital. I didn't come here to talk about us. That would be selfish of me." But she just shakes her head.
"Nothing about you is selfish. I'm asking you to talk about this. We can't even go in to see him. And we're staying here all night. Might as well resolve this situation." What she doesn't understand is that I'm terrified of talking about this.
"What do we have to talk about Kayla? Have you changed your mind? Do you want to be with me?"
"No I haven't. I can't be with you." She whispers and I feel like I got stabbed again. I don't think I can handle this much hurt in one night. I close my eyes. It hurts too much to even look at her.
"Then why do you want to talk about this? Do you just like watching me hurt, in pain? Cause I don't get it." I say. Eyes still closed. Heart still shattered. Mind still exhausted. Voice still coated with pain.
"Aaron." She gasps. I open my eyes then. Hers are bloodshot. She's barely holding her tears. And that sight it's another shot to my heart. "Do you actually believe that?" Her voice shaking.
"I don't know what to believe anymore. One minute you're asking me to kiss you, the next you're breaking my heart, then you say you love me, but you don't want to be with me, you call me your fiancé in front of the doctor, but when we're alone you can't even say I'm yours. Because I am, whether you want to or not." I say all in one breath. She just looks at me hurt. "Do you want me to just be your friend? Fine. I'll be your fucking friend. I'll be whatever you want me to be. I just...please. I just can't lose you, cheesecakes." I whisper the last sentence. She just shakes her head. Face shining from tears.
"Aaron, we have to be friends. There's nothing else in store for us. I do want to be with you. We just can't." She whispers.
"I love you!" I burst out. Several nurses and hospital workers turn their heads to look at us, but I don't care. "I love you. Do you have any idea what that means to me? It means that I don't care what you think there's wrong with you, because there is nothing wrong with you, but I clearly can't convince you of that. It means I want to be with you, to try with you despite all odds. I want you to let me hold you, love you, care for you, for you to be mine, just like I am yours. It means that I'm scared out of my mind that I'm gonna lose you, because I went ahead and said something stupid like I love you."
"Are you saying you didn't mean it?"
"I'm saying I mean it more than anything else in my life, but you were clearly not ready to hear it." She turns her head away. That's what I thought.
"We're not continuing this now." I say voice firm.
"Aaron no. We-''
"The coffees are here." Mike says from behind Kayla, obviously unaware of what was going on.
"Great." I smile to him. "I'll take mine and go for a walk. I feel like I need some fresh air." I say and stand up.
"I'll come with you." Says Kayla.
"No you won't. You need to be here with your uncle and grandpa. I won't be far. I'm never far away from you." She sees the meaning behind my words.
"Did I just walk into a soap-opera?" Mike says, as I take my coffee from him.
"I can only tell you one thing Mike. Life with Kayla is never boring."