We were never meant to be

Chapter sixty-two

Aaron
You know the feeling I hate most in this world? The feeling I despise more than any other one? The feeling that claws at your throat and cuts off your air? That feeling that keeps you paralyzed and at its mercy? You know what feeling I'm talking about? It's not pain, no. It's dread.
That's the feeling I hate the most. The feeling I can't stand. Why? Well because it's the most petrifying feeling that ever exists.
You don't know what's going to happen, you don't know if things will go bad or worse. You don't know how long it's going to last, you don't know how to make it stop, that crippling anxiety that accompanies it. You don't even know if your dread is truthfully based. Because it's fucking dread. You don't know how to explain, you just feel it and that's enough to bring any grown man down on his knees, desperate and hopeless.
So it's not pain or hurt that shoots through me, when I see Kayla saying goodbye to Kony and Ryan, it's dread.
"This was the best wedding I've been to you guys!" She exclaims. "And now I'm gonna miss you so much." She sighs hugging both of them. "I had fun being around everyone and helping you."
"Chillax K. We'll only be gone for a month not a year. Plus aren't you guys going back to Boston now? Summer's almost over, birthdays done, wedding done. Next year of college rolling on!" Ryan assures Kayla as she smiles, but I don't miss the flicker of guilt in her eyes. Dread courses through my body again. "They're so young." Ryan whispers to Kony.
"Dude we're all in our 20s." Kayla says flatly.
"Yes, but you two are still at school, whereas we have jobs." Ryan's smiles is way too wide.
"Don't engage further conversation with him. He's totally wasted." Kony says reaching for his arm and pulling him closer to her side. He just smiles down at her like a lovesick puppy. They're newlyweds alright. "I just need to put him in the plane, before he falls asleep on me." She whines, but her eyes are actually smiling. They are leaving for their honeymoon tonight.
That was the plan all along. After the wedding they would leave for Bali straight away. They're staying there a week I think, and then they're traveling to other tourist destinations. I have no idea where. Kayla helped with those. I had to take care of the guests coordinating.
"Well we better go say bye to the others before we're late. Are you sure you don't want our help with the stuff here guys?" Kony asks a bit worried. "Because we can stay and help. Well I can. I'm not sure how much my husband can." At the mention of the name 'husband' Ryan gets alive again and kisses Kony passionately, before she pushes him away. "Get ahold of yourself. We're not alone." She hisses at him, but she's blushing way too much.
"Not my fault you said husband. It sounded way too good coming from you." He sings and I resist the urge to gag, while Kayla just sighs dreamily.
"Well I think you saw how much you cannot stay here and help us. Now off you go! Both of you. We got it here. There's no much work, I promise we'll be fine." Kayla reassures Kony, and for her own peace of mind I chip in too.
"Cheesecakes's right. You guys need this vacation. Have fun, we got it handled here. I have only one advice though." I say to the couple of the day.
"What?" Both Ryan and Kony ask in unison.
"Try to not come pregnant from the honeymoon, it's way too early." I tease and Ryan hits the back of my head, while Kony just sighs in resignation.
"And that's our cue to leave." She says being done with me, but not before she sends a look my way.
Keep an eye on her.
And guess what feeling slams into me again? Fucking dread.
***
"You need a hand with those?" I ask Kayla. She's moving the wedding stuff that's ours in Kony's chamber.
"No I'm good. Almost done." She whispers without looking at me. I nod out of habit, because she obviously isn't looking at me for that.
I wait patiently for her, leaning my head at the wall, while watching her beautiful figure as she closes up the stuff around. And then I realize she's stalling for time and doesn't actually have anymore stuff to do, just wants to avoid confrontation. Maybe she's doing it unconsciously, but we're having this conversation either way.
"Cheesecakes." That's all I say straightening up and walking a bit closer to her. She stops whatever she's doing and looks at me resigned.
I don't know for how long we just stare at each-other's eyes, but it feels like eternity and at the same time like a millisecond.
And then Kayla's eyes water while she shakes her head no.
"We can't Aaron." She mumbles so hurt. Those green eyes shining under her heartbreaking tears. I close my eyes clenching my jaw. I know it hurt her saying that, but when you hear it, it's like a bullet through your chest, because no matter how many times I hear it, no matter how many times I mentally prepare myself, I somehow never except it. The pain slams into me like a wall brick in the head.
"I won't let you." I whisper opening my eyes. "I won't let you do this to us. Why are you doing this to me? To us?" I plead, because I know I'm acting like I won't allow this, but the truth is that I'm actually hopeless. She has the power to shatter me and there's nothing I can do about it.
"Don't you get it?" She asks scared. Her tone starts raising. "I can't give you that." She points outside at the place where the ceremony took place. "I can't give you any of that. You think I will. You think we can somehow beat the odds and be happy and maybe we will, but not for forever. What happens five years from now, ten even? What happens when you realize, when it hits you that this is it? That this," She points to herself now. "this is all you're going to get. No kids, no grandkids. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to come home to." She takes a ragged breath. "What happens when you see your nieces and nephews and longing hits you? Or when it really dawns on you that your 'wife' has been pregnant before, but not with your kid, but with one she lost from her rapist?! What happens when you realize that because of that, I will never be able to give us the one thing we truly desire? And don't you dare lie to me and tell me that you don't want kids. I can see it on your eyes, on your actions. You scream dad. I know because I feel the same." And then a broken sob comes out of her. "But unlike me, you can do something about it. You can have all of that. And I won't Aaron." She shakes her head, tears spilling. "I won't be the reason you're not a father. I'd rather die." She finishes putting a hand to her chest, trying to calm down her breathing, to calm down herself. Then she looks at me. She really looks at me broken. And the sight cuts the air off my lungs. "What happens when I die and you realize you have nothing left? Or worse, what happens when you die and I realize that I took all your life away from you? And why? Because of my selfish reasons? Because I want to be with you? No. No." She breaks out again. "You need to leave me and find someone else." And I've had enough. I've had enough of this bullshit.
I walk towards her in two strides and take her face in my hands.
"Don't you get it? There is no one else for me. You are it. I don't care about any of that. I only care about you. If I have you, it's enough. It's more than enough. You are more than enough. You hear me cheesecakes?" A tear slips her and I dry it away with my thumb. "Yes I want to be a dad someday and we'll try that day, and the next, and then the next, we'll try as much as we can, and if we fail we fail together. If we fail we can adopt. I don't care how hard it is. There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. I don't care what some test says. I don't care if it says dysfunctional. The most perfect being I've met, can't be dysfunctional." I bring her face closer to mine. "We'll do it cheesecakes. I'll be right by your side the whole time and not once will I think it's your fault."
"You don't know that. You don't what you'll think ten years from now. People change." She hiccups.
"People may change, but my love for you will never. If anything it will intensify." She just shakes her head as more tears come rushing down. Ones that I dry away one by one.
"I'm in for it. For the long run cheesecakes. We'll do it together. Because I'm not about to lose you cheesecakes. It will kill me, don't you understand it? I can't without you. I-I can't. It scares the shit out of me love. It terrifies me. So no. I love you. And you do too. So we'll fight for our love cheesecakes. You and me forever sweetheart. Please, please I'll beg on my knees if that's what it takes to convince you. I'll beg on my knees everyday for the rest of my life. Is that what you want me to?" I say before starting to drop on my knees, but she just shakes her head.
"No no Aaron." She grabs my arm and keeps me there level with her.
"Then please love. Please give us a chance." I beg.
She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. And when she opens them again she's determined. Calm even.
"Okay Aaron, okay. I'll think about it. You win. I'll try." She sighs resigned.
The relief that slams through me is so potent, it feels like someone pulled the rug under me.
The widest smile breaks through my face and I rest my forehead with hers.
"I'll be so good to you cheesecakes, I promise." I mutter with closed eyes. Her hands resting on top of mine, while I caress her delicate face.
"You already are good to me my love. Always have been." She whispers. And then she kisses me. And this time unlike the others it's soft, pure, innocent. This time it's slow, like a kiss you want to memorize. Want to have it with you at all times, so you can replay it over and over again. It's sweet and bitter. It's bittersweet. It's also a promise and a goodbye, but I don't know why it feels that way. So I just kiss her back with the same softness. With the promise of how this will be, of how beautiful life together will be now.
And then she slips her tongue into mine and I'm a goner. I kiss her back with the same urgency, before she pulls away and looks at me.
"I just wanted a last tase before I go to bed." She smiles up at me with those green eyes and puffy red lips and I groan.
"You're going to kill me woman. You're such a tease, you know that?" I ask. My thumb drawing circles in her cheek. She nods biting her lip and I stretch my hand and pull it away from her teeth. "Now you're just doing it on purpose, because there's no chance. Be careful or we won't leave this room tonight." I warn her. She just blushes red making me grin like an idiot.
"You mean this morning. It's like 5am. I'll sleep until 8pm tomorrow, when I get home." She informs and I nod.
We spent the whole night dancing and drinking on this wedding. To call it a crazy wedding, it's an understatement.
"Yeah you're right. We need to get going." I sigh. Reluctant to leave her embrace.
"My feet are completely sore and I need to go drown in sleep, so yeah we need to." She whines.
"Do you want me to massage them for you?" I gesture to her and her breath gets caught.
"Don't be sweet right when we need to be apart for the night. It's harder." She swallows. "Plus something tells me, you'll start massaging and then you won't stop other stuff from happening...if you know what I mean and our parents and friends are out there. So it's a big no." She explains and I chuckle. Well she's right about that. But hey you can't blame me, I'm a guy. I'm literally designed to think that way.
"The hiding just makes it even more thrilling."
I drawl as she smacks me lightly in the head.
"Pervert." She taunts.
"When it comes to you, I'm all sorts of creep." I admit and then we both laugh.
"I better get going then. You'll be there tomorrow?" She asks looking up at me. I just brush our noses together.
"Where else would I be?" I mumble. She smiles tearing a bit up. She stills gets emotional at the sweet words I tell her. Making me realize how much more she needs to hear them, until they're imprinted on her mind.
"Okay." She whispers and then just gives me a peck on the lips, twice. Before untangling herself from me and heading for the door.
"Good night cheesecakes." I call out.
"Night my love." She whispers before disappearing through the door.
And as much as I feel excited and hopeful for the future, I can't help but notice that some dread still lingers there.
I guess it'll just fade with time. For now I'm going to enjoy the fact that my cheesecakes is finally mine.