We were never meant to be

Chapter forty-one

Kayla
"Do you have gum?" I ask Aaron once we arrive outside the hospital.
"Wait, lemme see." Aaron says checking the pockets on his jacket. A beat later he takes out a pack full of gums and shakes it before me.
"Thank God. I don't know if I can face anyone smelling like alcohol." I say and grab the pack from his hand.
"You smell just fine." I give him a look, while I open up the pack.
"Andrews now is not the time to compliment me." I say as I bring the pack high and drop all the mint gums on my mouth.
"Wow, easy on the gum woman. You're already drunk, we don't want to add a sugar rush on that." He says trying to take the pack away from my hands, but I move my arms away from him.
"Dude no. I need them." I whine.
"Okay first thing, don't call me dude ever again. Second thing, that's enough sugar for you." He says snatching the pack away from my hand, before I have a chance to protect my dear gums. I hit his arm.
"You're so stubborn." He just stares back at me emotionless. "Please just two more." I beg pouting. He doesn't relent. "Okay one more." He puts the pack on his pocket again. Insufferable beautiful man.
"Fine. Have it your way." I try another approach.
I put both my hands on his chest and then I stand on my toes, reaching his neck. Freakishly tall human being.
I near my head on his neck and put my face in that little space between his shoulder and neck and I inhale deep.
Aaron stiffens and as if in command, unable to stop himself, he puts both his hands on my waist, holding me. At the feel of his hands on me, I resist the urge to moan.
"I love the way you smell." I say pushing my face deeper. Wanting to brand myself on him.
I am so drunk. Where did I find all this confidence?
"Kayla, what the hell are you doing?" I don't think I've heard his voice as deadly as it is now.
"Just enjoying you." I reply simple as that, while pressing a small kiss on his neck. He groans.
"Okay that's it." He says. With his hands still on my waist, he picks me up and drops me three feet away from him. "You're not getting any more mint gums. You're drunk and you don't know what you're doing. And I'm most definitely sure that you'll regret this tomorrow." Aaron says pinning me with a look.
"You're mean. You should take advantage of me now that I'm drunk, I'm letting you." I say grinning so much.
"Are you out of your mind?" He asks that with such seriousness.
"I am drunk." I sing, very happy about the fact.
"Clearly."
"Just take advantage of me!" I whine frustrated.
"I don't even understand what girls are looking for in a guy anymore." He mumbles. That's too much of a long sentence for me to understand right now.
"Aaron?" I look up at him smiling.
"Yes cheesecakes?" He says as if I didn't just throw myself at him not two minutes ago.
"Do you have any idea how much I love you?" His breath gets caught, I can see it. I don't know why, but I just need to tell him that. It's like I can't help it, can't keep it in without confessing it, without shouting it to the whole world. "I love you so much. So much. It's mind-blowing." I say and clap my hands together to motion a big explosion, while trying to re-enact its sound. "Love youuu. I love youuu. But I can't be with you. You know that right?" I ask him, pouting once more. Aaron is completely frozen. He's not moving. I'm pretty sure he's not breathing. "It hurts. Right here." I point to my heart. "When does it stop hurting? I'm tired Aaron. I'm tired of hurting. I've hurt for sooo long." I chuckle. "So longg." I'm just spinning now. I'm spinning and playing with my dress. "But it's okay. It's okay. I love you just like this." I stop spinning.
I haven't stopped spinning. My legs have stopped, but everything else is spinning! How fun! "Opp. I'm falling!" I say, but strong arms catch me. They always do. I look up at him and those damn blue eyes. They remind me of the ocean I think. That's why they always calm me down. I love water, I love the sea, I love the ocean. They have always been on my side. His eyes remind me of that. Of how he's always on my side, of how he always makes me feel at ease, at peace. "I love your eyes. Have I told you that before?" He just shakes his head no, unable to say anything. "Well you should know I love them. They make me feel home." I sing.
Aaron steadies me, but doesn't let go. His arms are still holding me.
"These big strong arms. They always catch me when I fall." I smile so big as I pat them twice. "Ha! Because I'm always falling! For you! Get it?!" I shout and wiggle my eyebrows as if I have made the biggest discovery of all time.
Suddenly I'm not feeling so well. I don't think I should have made so many abrupt moves.
I leave Aaron's arms and run to the sidewalk. There's some grass there. I'm vomiting before I have a chance to lower my head.
Aaron is right behind me. He comes to my right side and holds my hair, while I empty all my stomach's contains. After I'm done, I raise my head. I feel like I've been punched in the gut.
"Well this is disgusting." I say as Aaron lets my hair down.
"Let's get you inside to a bathroom, find you some Advil and give you some other gum. How about that?" He whispers so gently to me. I think I'm finally aware of my surroundings. Of where we are and why.
"I'd like that." I nod. My throat sore. "And some water, because it feels like I haven't drank water in a year." I say as we start making our way in.
Three minutes later, Aaron finds me a bathroom. I clean up, finish my business and go outside. He's waiting for me there with a bottle of water and two Advils. If I hadn't just vomited, I would have happily kissed him right now.
"Thank you." I say as I grab the medicine and the water from him. I finish the whole bottle and I still feel like I could drink a gallon more. "I'm exhausted. And my head hurts." I say as we start walking.
"How many drinks did you have?" Aaron asks.
"I don't know, but at least five. God, I'm never drinking again. This is torture." I whine as we make a turn.
"Five drinks?! Jeez woman, no wonder you feel like this." He says shocked.
"Hey give me a break. I was so sure they were non-alcoholic." I say and he sighs. "Where are we going? Do you know what floor are they on?" I ask and he nods.
"On the 5th. The elevator is at the end of the corridor." He explains. "Here." He hands me what's left of the gum pack. I take them all. I have no idea how I am going to pull the I-was-definitely-not-drunk-five-minutes-ago-and-now-I-have-a-terrible-hangover act.
"Thanks." I whisper. We reach the elevator and I press the button. We stay there in a comfortable silence until the doors open and we get in. He presses the 5th floor button. I take a deep breath still chewing my gum.
"And thank you for everything else. It wasn't exactly beautiful all the show." I wave my hand all over myself. He just shakes his head.
"I could take care of you all my life and it would never bother me. Not once." The only thing dragging me away from that declaration, is the elevator's ping as the doors open, revealing my very stressed uncle pacing in the hallway.
***
Well looks like that pacing was all for nothing. A nurse came 5 minutes later telling my uncle that he can go inside and be with them. Since the husband is the only person they let in, we're still clueless and have no idea what's happening.
It's just me and Aaron here. Since it's late and obviously they're not really in the state of mind to tell people, they've decided to call their parents after the baby's here. I think it's better this way. Parents tend to over-worry. So it's in everyone's benefit for them to find out later. When the worst is over.
"Well this is no fun." I say out of nowhere. I think, I still am a bit drunk. Just a bit though. I just hope tomorrow I remember what has and will happen tonight. Or at least most of it. I check the time. It's 11:38. Oh well, it could be worse.
"What do you mean?" Aaron asks besides me on the hospital stool.
"I'm saying I'm stressed. We have no idea if things are going good or bad or meh. What's happening in there?" That was such a dumb question. How is he supposed to answer that? My leg is shaking like crazy. I'm chewing my bottom lip along with my gum. And I'm pretty sure the Advil isn't working.
"Cheesecakes I'm sure they're fine. If anything would be wrong, they wouldn't let Mike stay in there. People tend to interfere and ask a lot of stuff when their loved ones are in danger, which is why they let them out. As long as they're both in there, things are okay." Aaron explains and I feel a bit better, but my leg is still shaking.
"God I hate hospitals. I hate them. First when I was 15 with all the tests and everything. Then with the medics coming for Aaron. Not to mention all the treatments that Aunt Jen had to get. Then with Nao- I mean, then again when I was 17. I had to take more tests and to stand there and watch myself get diagnosed. Almost two months ago with grandpa again. And now with uncle. I mean I know it's supposed to be a happy occasion, but what if it turns into a completely awful one? Ugh I just hate them. They just remind me of bad stuff all the time. I hate the smell, the color is so white it blinds you, I hate people's faces. Worried all the time. I hate how some doctors are just so cold, not caring about anything. But I can't really blame them, I mean you need to be cold to deal with this place, otherwise it will affect your sanity." Wow it really is true what they say. Alcohol really does make you spill everything, physically and emotionally.
Aaron extends his hand and places it on my running leg. Just on my knee. I stop shaking it. Then with his other hand, he reaches my chin and turns my face to look at him.
The blue.
"Have I told you about how I wanted to become a doctor before my accident?" He asks and I just shake my head no. His hand still grazing my chin.
"I only know you wanted to, but couldn't later." I say and he nods.
"Well one day when I was 10, my parents had brought me and Ryan for a day out at the beach. You know good, sunny day." He drops his hand from my chin, when he's sure I won't turn away. Not that I would dream of doing that when he's talking. He barely talks. So whenever he does I put all of my attention on him and take it all in. "Ryan and I were playing some stupid game with water guns. Boys and shit." He looks at me the whole time. His hand is still on my knee. "I splashed him too much on the face and it got in his eyes. While trying to take the water off, he slipped on some rock there, you know those pebble stones that are half outside half on the water?" I nod scared. "Yeah those are very dangerous. They're very slippy. Ryan fell and bumped his head on it." I gasp. "I was traumatized. There was so much blood, I thought he was dead. I didn't really understand what was happening, I was a kid." My eyes tear up. "We were scared to move him. We didn't know how much damage was caused. I was stuck in my spot, in shock." He swallows and then continues. "Thankfully there were some medical guards there, I don't know. They helped him, patched him up. They knew what to do. Asked Ryan a couple of questions about who he is, his age, our parent's names, my name, stuff like that. Told us to drive to the ER to get the wound stitched up, but not to worry because the bleeding had stopped and Ryan's memory was intact." Something flashes in his eyes, it's not pain, more like regret. "When we arrived there, everything went fine, he got four stitches and the doctor told us that nothing else is wrong, no internal bleeding and no damage to the brain. We got to go home that night like nothing ever happened. The only thing standing out was Ryan's head patched up with a big white bandage." He squeezes my knee and I put my hand over his, squeezing back. "Days went by, weeks, a month. Everything was fine. They took the stitches out, Ryan was better than ever, life went on." He says with a little smile. "I didn't. I could not shake away the faces of mom and dad when they saw Ryan splashed on the ground, blood everywhere, or the excruciating silence on the drive to the ER. The fear on their faces, the way my mom was shaking or my dad clenching the steering wheel. Ryan's pained face. I knew it wasn't my fault, because I was a kid and we were just playing. It could have happened to me too, but the whole time I felt guilty. I felt responsible. But the thing I felt most was useless. I felt completely and utterly useless. I couldn't do anything to help Ryan, I couldn't do anything to ease my parents worry. I couldn't even move, shocked on that spot. My mom had to carry me from there to the car. And I hated it. Every minute of it. Hated that I couldn't help somehow. I think it shocked me more, because I was young and it hit me strong. I was afraid to sleep alone the first nights. I would go to Ryan's room and he would tuck me in his bed. I was so happy I could hear him breathing besides me, I felt like I lost him that day. I remember thanking God every night that Ryan was fine, alive. But I never wanted to feel like that again. So I was 10 alright, but I decided that I wanted to become a doctor. I wanted to help people as much as I could. I knew I wouldn't save every life, I knew I couldn't predict every outcome, but I believe in God, which is why I don't worry about the unknown. But I also knew that when the waves came crushing down, I would like to be prepared, and not to freeze like a brick of ice, not to become a burden rather than a help. I think it may also be the little control freak in me, but yeah." He jokes and we both chuckle. My God, how dare this man hides the integrity that he holds? He is perfect in any way that matters. "The reason I told you this story is not to freak you out more and just add one more case on the reasons why you hate hospitals. It's to show you how much they help. Yes we haven't had good experiences with them. You got diagnosed and I didn't come out fully healed." He says holding his unoccupied hand up, showing me his fingers. "But imagine how worse it could have been for all the other times. Now I'm not the kind of guy that says look at the 'half full glass' thing. I'm more of the 'Man the glass is half empty and half full, no need to ignore any half.' type of guy." I laugh this time. He just smiles at me. "But the reality is that our lives have been just like that glass. Half the time we have been on the full side, coming out unscathed, half the time we have been on the empty side, coming out broken and not the same." He tells me. The only thing I can think is, how thoughtful this man is. How smart, how bright, how considerate. "Yet even the times that we came out hurt and tired, didn't kill us. Didn't bring us down. Because we have God. He makes sure we are protected and loved. We are still here, still winning, still standing. Well sitting in this instance, but you get the gist." He jokes again making me laugh more.
"You are one extraordinary man Aaron Andrews. There is no one quite like you." I say and go to hug him. He wraps his arms around me holding me tight.
"I'm nothing compared to you." He whispers in my hair.
"Hush, you're ruining the moment. There's no need for unnecessary words." I say as he chuckles.
Two doors thrown opened make us back away from each-other. My uncle is standing there, a smile as big as ever, with scrubs on.
"He's here." He says simple as that.
***
"Oh my little sweetie munchin tuchin puchin luchin pumpkin pie!" I say the moment I spot my cousin on Anya's arms. She looks a bit tired, but overall fine.
"What language was that?" Aaron asks behind me.
"Babyish." I reply back. I near Anya's hospital bed and look at this beautiful so small human being. Uncle Mike is on the other side of the bed, never taking his eyes off his newborn baby. I smile, I'm so happy for them.
"Can I hold him please?" I ask them. I know I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. I usually avoid staying near babies and toddlers, but he is so beautiful, so pure, I just, I need to hold him. Just for a bit. It's worth the pain. He is worth the pain.
"Yes of course." Anya replies and I bend down to take him in my arms.
"Support the head with this hand and his back with the other." She teaches me how to hold him and then lays him on my arms. Once I'm sure I am holding him safe, I raise on my height again and look at him, really look at him.
"Hi there sweetie. I'm your cousin Kayla. You are so pretty." I coo to him. His eyes remain closed, but his baby smell is so good. He is unexplainably small. Not even half of my arm. "Hi little Theo." They named him Theo months ago. I really like the name. "Do you know how much I love you? Your cousin loves you so much. I'll spoil you all the time, I'll be your favorite cousin I promise." Everyone chuckles, but I don't take my eyes off of him. "Will you call me K or Kayl? You can't call me cheesecakes otherwise Aaron here will kill me for teaching you that." They chuckle again. Suddenly he moves. Just a bit and then opens his eyes. I suck in a deep breath. He has such clear beautiful brown eyes. They're so big. So big. It's like he's watching the whole world for the first time and I'm right there experiencing it with him. Through his eyes. "Hi baby. My God how can such a perfect small person even exist? It's settled, you are my favorite human in the whole world." I whisper to him. I turn to look at Aaron to show him how cute his eyes are, but when I see him, his face is broken and his eyes are all pained. When he catches me looking at him, he smiles, trying to hide it, but I can see right through it. At first I don't understand why, but then I feel the tears in my cheeks. How long have I been crying for?
"Hey do you want to look at him?" I whisper to Aaron. I swallow down, trying to stop my tears, but it's to no avail. They won't stop.
I can hear uncle and Anya talking. He's giving her water and stuff. Probably giving us some privacy.
"Yea." Is Aaron's only response. I walk to him and turn a bit sideways, so he could look more clearly at Theo.
"Isn't he beautiful?" I ask Aaron.
"Completely." He whispers. I look up at him to find him slipping a tear. Out of all the times I've seen Aaron shed a tear, I'm positive this is the most heartbreaking one.
"Please don't cry." I whisper to him.
"I can't." He says, not looking at me. "I can't not cry, when I see you like this. When I fall in love with you every single day in a new way. And out of all the times and ways I've fallen for you, this one hurts the most." He whispers and then looks at me. His eyes are bloodshot, his face is all bare to me. He's not hiding anything and the sight nearly kills me. If I didn't have Theo in my arms, I would have probably fallen to my already shaking knees.
"Imma go take him back." I say. Aaron just nods.
"I'll wait outside." I don't stop him as he leaves the room. I know he needs a moment to gather himself. God knows I do.
"There you go little pumpkino." I say as I put him back to his mother's arms. There's no better place than that. Anya smiles to me and then she's again too wrapped up in her son.
"We'll head away for tonight. Do you want me to tell grandma and grandpa or you'll tell them yourself?" I ask Uncle Mike, trying and failing to hold my tears. He looks at me pained.
"No it's okay sweetie. We'll tell them tomorrow. No need to wake them up now. They'll probably kill us for it, but yeah." Uncle says and I smile.
"Okay then. See you tomorrow." I tell them and leave to join Aaron only to find him on the stool, head down between his hands. Now that I'm not holding Theo anymore, the absence is a constant reminder, constant pain of what I'll never have.
I sit next to him.
"I'm sorry I can't give you more." I whisper. At that Aaron raises his head. He's not crying, but his beautiful blue eyes are all red.
"I don't care about more, I care about you." A tear slips me at his words. The way he would just throw away all his future for me, shatters my soul. Unfortunately for me, I can't let him do that.
"And I care about you."