We were never meant to be

Epilogue

40 days later
Kayla
I am in a daze. I realize I'm dreaming. I don't understand where I am, but I know I've seen this place before.
It's so beautiful. I love it. In front of me stands a big field filled with colorful tulips. Why my mind went with tulips, I'll never know. They're not my favorite flowers. I've always liked red roses, but I don't admit it to anyone, because it's too cliché.
Everything here is so mesmerizing, but I can't help but feel like I've been here before. It's so captivating, magical.
I look down at myself and see that I'm wearing a beautiful white dress with a modest v-neck. The dress reaches my toes and that's when I see that I'm barefoot. The soft green grass beneath my skin feels like silk.
My dirty blond hair is curly and reaches my waist. Huh? I haven't seen my hair long in quite some time. Someone wanted me to let them grow, but I can't remember well.
Next thing I know I'm running through the field. Running and laughing. Yet I'm not alone. Someone is holding my hand. He is taller than me.
We lay down on the grass, which gives me a chance to look at him. Really look at him. I know him. I've seen him before. I remember where. I know him. I know him better than anyone, better than myself.
He looks at me.
"I know you." I say to him, but he doesn't reply. He just keeps staring at me with those deep blue eyes. I know those eyes. I love those eyes. Those eyes bring me peace.
I'm happy. It's a different kind of happiness, but I feel it. I like it. I crave it.
"Hey cheesecakes." He whispers scooting closer to me. I gasp. I know that name. I answer to that name.
"Aaron." I whisper back. He just smiles wide at me.
"Wake up cheesecakes." He then says. I pout. Why do I need to wake up? I don't want to wake up.
"What?"
"Wake up Kayla." Wait that's not right. Aaron never calls me Kayla. Almost never. And he never wakes me up when I'm sleeping.
"Wake up Kayla."
***
"Kayl! Wake up!" Serena's voice finally registers on me pulling me back to cruel reality.
"Hey." I mumble voice coated with sleep.
"Sorry to wake you up, but someone is here. He's asking for you." She tells me. That has all the hair on my neck raising up and all the sleep disappearing from my system.
It can't be.
I get out of the bed immediately. God, it's noon. I've slept in this past month. Wanting to escape my awful reality. Not deal with it. Just avoid it.
"It's um. It's not him, right?" I ask Serena with heart in throat.
"No." She replies. A shot of relief and disappointment courses through me.
A part of me still wanted it to be him. Wanted him to find me.
"But they do look alike." She says and then the anxiety cripples back in. I can't really ask Serena if it's Ryan, because unlike Aaron, she never met Ryan. So I just tie my hair up, put on some trousers, a shirt and then get out of the room.
Serena's boyfriend is lying on the couch. They've both been very welcoming to me.
When I showed up a month ago at Serena's door sobbing like an idiot, she just hugged me and made me feel comfortable. I don't know what I'd do without her.
I've been crashing at her place for so long now, but it's only temporarily. I registered here at a law school, so I'll go live on campus, probably find a roommate.
I just didn't want to stay there the first month, because I needed some familiarity after leaving everything safe and comfortable. Serena told me that I'm welcomed to stay as much as I need to. But I won't be in their hair for much longer. I'll move in on campus next week.
I've been drowning myself only with school and sleep. Nothing else. It's a good coping system to forget the pain.
So when I spot Ryan at the door entrance panting and worried, that pain I had been avoiding so much, just comes rushing back almost knocking me down.
"Ryan." I whisper. It hurts not to call him BB, but I'm not sure he wants me to call him that anymore, after what I did to his brother.
"K oh my God! We've been looking everywhere for you! Are you out of your mind? How could you leave like that?! Aaron has been going crazy! Kony is worried sick! Everyone is!" He says breathing loud. I don't say anything just observe him. He's tanned and if it weren't for some recent wrinkles, he looks almost relaxed, meaning they didn't know about the current situation until they came back from their honeymoon. Aaron didn't tell them until he had to. I knew he wouldn't. He is too good.
"K he's been looking everywhere for you. He has been to Ohio. He stayed there almost a week until he found May. And now he's in London. He's been there for the past two weeks and finally found Kelsey."
"When we came back from the honeymoon everything was upside down. Why didn't you tell us? Why didn't anyone tell us?" He asks angry. I don't think I've ever seen Ryan angry like this.
"You know why." I whisper. My voice hoarse from trying not to cry.
"K I told him I'd check New York. And very well I found you way faster than him, probably because of his le-'' He cuts himself off mid-sentence. "level of worry." He says then. I look at him suspiciously, but he changes the subject too fast for me to dwell on it.
"Why would you do all of this K?! He loves you! I'd go nuts if Kony had done this." He shouts. I'm trying so hard to keep my tears at bay. Ryan noticing that softens a bit.
"Let's go K. Let's go home. He's waiting for you. Come on let's go." He whispers calmly now.
But I just shake my head.
"No." I choke.
"What do you mean no?" Ryan asks dangerously.
"I mean no Ryan." I swallow the lump in my throat. "I'm not coming back."
"What the hell are you saying Kayla?" I flinch at the tone of his voice and usage of words.
"I'm saying I'm not coming back Ryan. Not now nor ever. And you need to leave and forget you ever saw me here. Do not tell anyone where I am. Especially Aaron." Just saying his name hurts.
"Kayla stop playing games. It's not funny. We get it. We get your point. Life is hard. Love even more. Tough shit. But you'll get through it together. Let's go. There's a taxi waiting for us downstairs." He says waiting for me, but I don't move. "Kayla." He warns, yet I don't move.
"Is there a problem here?" Shawn, Serena's boyfriend says behind me.
"Who the hell are you?" Ryan snaps at him.
"I'm the guy that's gonna beat your ass if you don't leave Kayla alone. She said no." He warns.
"I'd like to see you try." Ryan rasps at Shawn.
"Shawn it's okay. I know him. It's okay I can handle this. Please go wait with Serena." I tell him and he looks at my face for any signs of discomfort and when he doesn't find any, he nods.
"Fine, but if he bothers you, we both are one door away. Just call for us." He says that more like a warning to Ryan. I don't have time to explain to Shawn why Ryan is harmless and that I trust him with my life.
"Okay." I agree. Then he disappears in the room with Serena.
"Wow you really have made an upgrade with the friends you've chosen." Ryan taunts making me look at him.
"Watch it." I hiss at him. "They have helped me a lot this past month."
"They wouldn't need to do shit if you hadn't left." Ryan snaps at me right back.
I sigh running a hand through my hair.
"Are you done with this dramatic act of yours and ready to come home?!" He then yells at me and I've had it. I've had it with everyone and everything.
"I'm sick of it!" I scream at Ryan. He takes a step back shocked. I've been a little unstable lately. "I'm so sick of people telling me what I feel and what I do! I'm sick of them thinking they understand my actions! None of you do! I told Kony a long time ago and I'm telling you too! I love your brother! I love him too damn much! And I will not let anyone destroy his happiness! Not you, not Kony, not me and definitely not him. I won't let him destroy his future for me. And you shouldn't either. He's your brother!" I gesture to Ryan. "He's your damn brother! You should make sure he is happy!"
"I am doing that!" Ryan shouts back at me.
"You're doing shit! If you think he'll be happy with me, you're lying to yourself and everyone around you!" That stuns Ryan into silence. "Look at me Ryan! Look at me! Look at my state! I am unstable! I will ruin him! He'll live all his life with longing. He'll see your kids and hate me for it. He will slowly unconsciously regret everything. And by the time he realizes the mistake he's done by staying with me, it'll be too late. And I will have watched him destroyed and regretful and that sight will haunt me forever. So no. No Ryan. I'm sick of people telling me how I feel or what I should do. Because I may have hurt him now, but I saved his future. And you need to keep it that way." I finish. My voice is burning from screaming and my face is all wet from the never-ending tears.
"He's broken K. Utterly and completely broken. How am I supposed to believe he'll be fine?" Ryan asks with such raw emotion, which makes me want to throw up at the knowledge that I'm doing this to him.
"He'll be fine one day. One day he will forget. He'll find a better girl and," My voice cracks. "and he'll move on. He'll have everything I couldn't give him. Peace, happiness, no more pain, someone whom he doesn't need to clean up after all the time. Joy, kids. I'm not that Ryan. I never will be. And it's time you all understand it and stopped living in a fairytale. In a delusional world where things can get better. This is real life. It's awful and it hurts. It's not fair. Things will not get magically fixed, because we want them too. I will not be magically healed, because I want to. This is the real world and you need to understand that I'm far from a happy ending. And I'm fine with that as long as it doesn't affect anyone else besides me." He's not fighting me anymore. Just looking at me hurt.
"Put yourself in my shoes Ryan. Wouldn't you do the same for Kony? Wouldn't you sacrifice your happiness for hers?" I ask him as he closes his eyes in pain.
"I would, but I don't understand why anyone has to sacrifice." He whispers.
"Because that's how it is. There is no logical explanation why Jack did what he did. It just is. And we can't change it, but we can lessen the impact it has on Aaron. And I need your help for that BB. Please." I beg him. He opens his eyes and they're bloodshot. The sight brings a new rush of torture through me.
A bit more and everyone will be free of me. I'll be the only one suffering.
"What do you need me to do?" He asks resigned. Relief floods my veins at his cooperation. I waste no time explaining.
"I need you to go home and not tell anyone about this. You never saw me, I never saw you. You came to Serena, but I wasn't there. You make sure Aaron doesn't come here and you don't tell a soul that I'm in New York." I instruct him. Every word brings a pang of guilt and agony to my heart, but I need to keep going. Just a bit more.
"You're asking me to lie to everyone I know and love. You're asking me to lie to my wife and brother." He calls sense to the importance of the situation.
"I know and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but if any of you knows, he can learn it and it's over. Everything I fought for and everything I endured for us, it will be for nothing. Every step forward he made to move on, will be for nothing if he finds out." I tell him. "Please BB. You have to help me on this. Do not tell anyone." I plead him.
"What if he comes to New York anyway?" Ryan asks. "What if I can't convince him to not come?"
"That's okay. I'll be moving out next week. And I'm not telling you where. Don't worry. So you won't be actually lying. You won't know my location either." I explain hopeful that he agrees. He has to. God he has to.
"So what? You'll just not talk to us ever again? You'll just leave us? All of us?" Ryan asks hurt.
"No. Just for the time being. We will not have contact in the short period of at least six months. And then I'll be on contact with all of you. Except Aaron. I will not tell any of you where I am, but I will talk with you. If you want all that to happen, you would need to promise me to not tell Aaron you're in contact with me again. And if he unwittingly finds out about it, then tell him that I made you do it. Tell him that I would have cut contact if you informed him about it. That if Aaron contacts me from any of your phones, I will never talk to that person again. And I mean that. So be careful." I know that's harsh, but it's the only way this is going to work. "I really don't want to do this. I just need to for him. So will you please help me BB? For our Aaron?"
He leans on the door behind him and covers his face with his hands.
"He's going to kill me. If he finds out, he's going to kill me." He mutters. "I can't believe I'm doing this. He's going to murder me with his bare hands."
Tears escapes me from watching what I'm putting Ryan through.
A phone ringing bursts our disturbing bubble. It's Ryan's phone. He looks at it and then shoots me a panicked look.
"It's Aaron." He states. A whole new huge wave of pain hits me at that fact. I could pick up that phone and give in. It's so easy. I could just pick it up and scream at him that I'm coming back, that I'm never leaving again. But I can't. And that hurts even more.
He goes to answer it with speaker on so I can listen to Aaron too, but I shake my head no at him.
"I can't hear his voice." I whisper. "Too painful."
Ryan nods swallowing before answering. He puts the phone to his ear and looks straight at me, while talking to Aaron.
"Hey. Good. You find anything?" Ryan asks him. "I'm sorry man. Yes I found her." Ryan says and I freeze, thinking he's talking about me, but then I realize it's Serena he's referring to.
Then he looks right in my eyes when he says the next words. As if he wants me to know how much this is costing him, how much responsibility he's holding, how much I'm screwing up. "She wasn't there man. I'm sorry. I don't know where she could be." Ryan replies as a tear escapes him.
I fall to my knees. Too hurt to keep myself up.
"Yeah I'll see you tomorrow. Bye. Be careful." He says that with an edge. But I'm too jealous at Ryan for getting to meet Aaron tomorrow, while I get to stay without him alone.
Ryan closes the call putting the phone back in his pocket. Then he takes one good look at me before speaking.
"I love you Kayl, but you really are a pain in my ass. You better be right otherwise you just ruined two lives for nothing. And that's on you, not me. I hope to God you know what you're doing." He mutters and then he's gone and out of the door, slamming it shut behind him making me flinch.
And as the tears rush down and down on my face, so does my heart shatter piece by piece. Again and again.
I've experienced a lot of pain in this world, but nothing comes close to this. No pain stings like this.
But just like I wrote to Aaron on my letter, there is only one explanation to this whole catastrophe.
We were two souls who fell in too deep with each-other, blinded by hope and love, only to discover that after all we were never meant to be.