We were never meant to be

Chapter thirty-seven

Kayla
The first thought that comes to me the second Aaron puts his lips on mine is I am finally kissing Aaron Andrews.
I don't really know what happened. One minute we were teasing Ryan, laughing and the next I ask Aaron to kiss me. Now I'm pulling at his hair desperate to bring him closer to me. His left hand is on my cheek keeping me there, the other on my neck pulling me closer. His mouth moves against mine desperately. At first it was a bit soft, like little pecks and small tickling and then it grew desperate, with hunger. Like we can't get enough of each-other. Making up for lost time. I probably need to stop soon to get some air, but I don't want to. Him neither. The minute we stop I am going to regret this, I can feel it in my bones, already seeping in, already intruding on this precious moment. So I'm trying to make it last as much as possible. How I wish I could live in this moment forever.
This is like nothing I have ever experienced. My heart is practically falling out of my chest. The butterflies have taken root, going crazy on my stomach. It's this dizzy feeling, giving you adrenaline. It feels like you're flying. Everything surrounding you disappears, every thought in your head goes quiet. The only sounds you can hear are each-other's harsh breathing.
I can feel it. I can feel the moment that this is going to end. Aaron nudges my mouth open with his own, so we can both breathe some air, but I know the second I comply, I'll lose. It's me and him against everything. But we both need to breathe. I don't want to breathe. If breathing brings me back into a reality I don't want, then why should I do it, why should I, when I can stay here, against his lips forever.
Aaron brings his hand to my chin and in a very gently manner, pulls back and we both take a deep breath, but it's not even a full second before I cut our breaths and bring his lips on mine again.
Aaron laughs against my mouth.
"Greedy little cheesecakes." He says between kisses. Just one more taste. Just one last time. I pull back and then go in and give him one more strong kiss, before I step away. I take my hands off his hair and just put my head down. I can't look at him. If I do, I'll kiss him again. I'm not that surprised to see that I have tears falling from my eyes. I don't think Aaron can see them, because of the dark and the fact that my head is down. His left hand is not on me anymore, but his right one is still on my neck. We're both breathing very hard. Our chests rising and falling from the lack of oxygen. I bring my hand to my lips to find them swollen.
Aaron brings his forehead to mine and smiles.
"That was amazing." He whispers out of breath. I shake my forehead against his. Quiet tears falling from my cheeks.
"We shouldn't have done that." I barely say. It's killing me to say this. Aaron stiffens.
"What?" He asks so softly, so scared.
"We shouldn't have kissed, I shouldn't have asked you to kiss me." I say clearer now. I hiccup and Aaron lets go of me. Pulls back and I already miss his hands, his mouth on me.
"What are you talking about? Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? You should have told me if I was hurting you, if I was going too fast. Chees-''
"No Aaron! Nothing like that. Please not for even one moment think that it was because of that. You were great, amazing. So caring, so considerate." I look at him then, because I want him to believe me when I say this. "You could never hurt me." His shoulder relax a little, but then he sees my tears and stiffens again. I made a mistake by looking at his face, because now I can see how vulnerable he looks, how hurt. His swollen red lips were on mine not two minutes ago.
"Then why are you crying?" He whispers so in pain.
"Because we shouldn't have done that." I say and look down again. I can't look at him, when I say these things.
"Okay. I hear you." He says, probably shaking his head. "I don't understand." He finally says.
"Why?"
"Because, we are just f-''
"Don't." He cuts me with a firm voice. "Don't you dare say we're just friends. Friends don't kiss friends that way.
"Okay." I whisper. "We're not just friends."
"Then why? Why cheesecakes? Why was that a mistake?" He asks.
"Because it was. I can't. You don't understand Aaron." I say getting up. I can't stay seated there. I have too much anxiety. I have to start doing something. It has always helped me cope. Aaron follows up. Standing tall.
"You're right. That's what I'm saying, I don't understand. Make me understand it." He says, voice firmer now.
"I can't. I won't."
"You're not making any sense."
"Can't you just accept the fact and move on? I can't. We can't happen."
"No I can't accept it. I won't accept it. Why?"
"Ughh, why are you so stubborn? Let.It.Go." We're practically shouting now, both of us. I'm shouting more. I don't think Aaron is capable of going any higher with his voice.
"There has got to be a reason. It doesn't make sense what you're saying."
"There is a reason."
"What is it?"
"I won't tell you."
"Why? You don't trust me?"
"I do trust you. That's not what this is Aaron." Our voices echo. It's so quiet around us and that only adds to the hearing intensity of our voices.
"Then what is it Kayla?" He grits his teeth. The fact that he used my real name and not my nickname, hurts more than I care to admit.
"Just stop. Give up. I don't want to fight with you." I say quieter now.
"If you expect me to give up, you really don't know me." That hurt.
"No. It's because I know you, that I'm begging you to stop this now." I say back to him.
"Why can't we be together Kayla? What is it so bad, that the mere fact of us together has you feeling defensive and irritated?" He presses on.
"Leave.This.Alone.Aaron. Now!" I'm raising my voice again.
"I.Will.Not." I'm not even sad anymore, I'm plain mad, angry.
"Are you an idiot? Are you not hearing me? Why won't you get out why you still have time?! I am giving you an out! Take it, damn it!"
"What out Kayla?! What are you keeping from me?! I poured my heart to you, showed you my story, a story I had never told anyone else before. I said it again for your family, for your friends, I met them all. I accepted them, I made them my people, I loved them, I brought you to my house, I showed you my family. They love you. They became your family too. We have spend almost every day with each-other for five months now. You opened up to me, you let me in, you trusted me and now you're shutting me out again! Why?! What did I do?! Tell me what I did wrong and I'll undo it. Tell me what I said and I'll take it back. Just tell me! Don't do this to me!" He says with so much hurt in his eyes, so much pain in his voice. I'm barely keeping my tears at bay. But I have to be strong. I have to keep going otherwise, I will ruin him. Otherwise I'll tell him everything, cave in and destroy him.
"You can't do anything! Deal with it! I'm leaving!" I say and start to storm off.
"Like hell you are! Kayla get back here or I swear to God, I'll jump right off this hill." He says so sure, I almost believe him. I stop dead in my tracks and turn to look at him. He just stares back smirking, glad to have stopped me.
"You incompetent moron! You think this is funny?! You think I want to leave like this?! Fighting you?! Keeping you in the dark?!" I'm practically screaming this at him.
"Then don't! I do not think it's funny. I think you're out of your mind for doing this!" He raises his voice again.
"Okay fine! Since you're so set on knowing. I don't fucking care anymore. Have it your way!" I shout.
"Great! Give it to me." We're both just taunting each-other at this point.
"I can't have kids! There! I said it!" I didn't realize it, but the moment I said it I had this big urge to cry. I let out a chocked cry. "I'm sorry. I just, I've never have said that out loud and now that I did, it just makes it more real." I say, but Aaron just shakes his head. Understanding and pain settles in his features. Probably from noticing all those times I've felt sad, when I've watched kids.
"Cheesecakes." He says in such amount of agony. After a beat, angers settles into him again. I have no idea why. "Did he do that? Did that son of a bitch do that to you? I will kill him Kayla! I will murder him with my bare hands!" He delivers the words with such disgust, such hate for him, that if Jack were here, I would actually believe him. I'd actually think he was capable of it.
"Aaron calm down. Yes. He did. Apparently sexual violence can cause infertility." I say sighing. Aaron is clenching his jaw so hard, I'm pretty sure I heard his teeth cracking. His hands are in fists and I don't think he even realizes that he's actually doing that. The only way to distract him is to tell him the rest of the story. "I was 17 when I missed my period for the first time. It had been four months and still nothing. At first I thought it was from all the stress that I had just gone through, but it didn't make that much sense, because I had been doing better those days, I was more at peace. So I told my mom and we went to a gynecologist to check it out. I thought at worst, she'll give me some birth control pills and tell me to fix my eating and sleeping diet." I look at Aaron to find him, aching for me, for my pain. "The first thing she asked me after she checked me out was if I had been raped. I told her yes, but it had happened two years ago. After not finding anything wrong in the echo she did, she told me that she needs to run some tests." I take a deep breath and continue. "So I took some tests. Told me to come for the answers the next day and to not expect good news." Aaron is clearly trying to grasp what I'm telling him. "So we came the upcoming day. She told me that I can't have kids. Apparently women with a sexual violence history are more likely to be infertile than others. The chronic stress and violence that my body has gone through, result in such consequences. I was diagnosed with Hypothalamic dysfunction." Aaron closes his eyes.
"Nothing about you is dysfunctional. You are utterly perfect." He mumbles.
"It appears that we are in a disagreement." He opens his eyes and they're bloodshot. "There are two hormones responsible for stimulating ovulation each-month."
"Yeah I know. Follicle-stimulating hormone and luteinizing hormone." He spells that immediately. Picked them up from his wondrous memory.
"Yes exactly. Excess physical or emotional stress, a very high or very low body weight, or a recent substantial weight gain or loss can disrupt production of these hormones and affect ovulation. Irregular or absent periods are the most common signs." He just nods in understanding. "I had all the symptoms. Except for me it was the very low body weight and it was recent." I inhale a deep breath. "The doctor did give me strong birth control pills and eventually my periods did come, but I'm still infertile. She also said that the chances of me getting pregnant in a supposed future are somewhere to 10% and that percentage includes the help of IVF and medical procedures." I finish.
"I will kill him. If I ever see him, I will kill him for everything he did to you." Aaron whispers, eyes closed.
"Aaron it doesn't matter anymore. What I'm trying to tell you is that, that's why we can't be together. We have the kind of relationship that we know nothing will ever tear us apart. We know we're going to end up together, if we do get together. But we can't. Because I would be taking your whole future away from you." I say and he opens his eyes so fast, I barely register it.
"That's what you're worried about?" He asks me the question in such a way, letting me know I'm out of my mind for even entertaining it. "I thought you just didn't want to get into a relationship, because you don't want any. Not because you 'can't'." He makes the quotation mark with his finger on can't.
"Aaron are you out of your mind? Don't you understand I am infertile. I am a woman and I am infertile. The one thing I'm supposed to do, the one thing I'm expected to do-''
"Don't you fucking dare Kayla! Do you hear me?!" He barks that at me. I almost flinched. "Don't you dare lower yourself to that level! You are not a bearing machine. Nor has anyone treated you that way. No one has expected that of you. Not your family, not your friends, not God and definitely not me." He points at himself. "If you think I would care or think less about you, just because you can't have kids, then I will march right over to you and show you just how much that doesn't bother me. Do I hate the fact that it bothers you? Yes I despise the fact. Do I want to scream, because of how unfair this is? Yes, absolutely. But I'm not God. And even though I don't know why all of this happened to you, I believe He loves you more than anyone else. And He will help you on this. Mark my words Kayla. He will." Aaron says and I've began crying and haven't been able to stop.
"It's not just that." I whisper between tears. "The thing is that I want to have kids. I've always wanted to. And now I can't and that kills me. But it doesn't have to affect you. I don't want to be the one who prevents you from being a father. I would love to be a mother, to be a parent, but I can't. And I don't ever want to be the reason someone else can't become one. And that's the end of it Aaron. I won't hear anymore about this. I'm going home." I say, drying my tears. I will not talk about this anymore. I turn to leave.
"Kayla if you take another step I will actually jump this time. I'm not even joking." I turn around again and see the truth in his eyes. I will kill him before he even jumps! I am so full with rage now, I think I'm seeing red.
"Why?! Why do you keep pressing on this?! Why don't you leave me alone?! I told you what you wanted! I explained everything to you! Why don't you go back to your own life and forget me?! Why don't you just stay away and save yourself from all of this?!" I shout at him.
"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, DAMN IT. I AM IN.LOVE.WITH.YOU." I stop breathing. If I thought his voice couldn't grow louder, I have never been more wrong, because he literally roared that at me. He's so angry. So so angry and I'm so so tired. I don't want to do this. What did I do? What did I get myself into?
"I love you. I love you and it's killing me. Every single day. You're all I think, you're all I breathe, you're all I feel and it's consuming me. It's devouring my very being. That's what my love for you does to me. I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't eat. I have given you my heart without even realizing I've done it. You hold it. In the palm of your hands and you don't even know it. Well now you do. I don't want it back, but even if I did, I don't think it would be possible. I don't think I can get my heart back, even if I wanted to, because that heart that you continually keep wounding, loves you so much, it doesn't even think about going back to it's owner." Tears are flowing down on my face once more. "Do you love me Kayla? Or am I just a delusional hopeless idiot in love?" He asks and I can see the tears welling in his eyes too.
"You know the answer to that Aaron." I barely say that.
"I really don't actually. I have no idea if you feel the same pain, the same love. None."
"It doesn't matter Aaron. None of this matters." He winces and I feel like I've been punched in the gut.
"Ouch. Leave it to the love of your life to break your heart repeatedly." He says to me.
"We need to go home. It's getting late." I whisper.
"We're not going anywhere until we talk about this."
"There's nothing more to talk about! We said all there is to say." I'm so tired of shouting today. I don't want to shout anymore.
"Do you love me Kayla?" He keeps pressing on.
"Aaron stop."
"Are you in love with me?"
"I won't answer that."
"Do you love me?"
"I don't want to give you false hope Aaron."
"Is that hope false, because you don't love me or is it because you don't want to give me hope that there is something here." I hate how he's playing with the words right now.
"I don't want to do this anymore Aaron."
"Do you love me? Yes or no? It's a very simple question."
"Aaron."
"Do you?"
"Aaron stop."
"Do.You.Love.Me?!"
"Of course I love you!" He's taken aback, he didn't think I'd actually say it. I didn't either. "I love you! That's why I have to do this! Because I love you!"
"Then stop this. Stop this..this madness. Stop this pain. Just let us be. Stop fighting this, stop fighting us."
"That's something I'm not going to do Aaron, I'm sorry."
"You are not sorry. If you were sorry..." He takes a ragged painful breath. "I can't even begin to explain to you how much I love you. I love all of you. And it's not enough, it never is." I thought it would only be the first time, but I keep getting chills every time he says those three damn words.
"Please stop, we're just hurting ourselves. It just hurts now." I say and at one moment his face is all pained and wounded the next it's all angry and pissed.
"You damn right it hurts! And you have the power to do something about it! To stop it from hurting, but you won't!"
"Well then leave!" I shout back.
"Don't you understand?! I would rather die than leave you!"
"Well, I would rather die than be with you!" The minute those words leave my mouth, he flinches, hard. "Aaron, I didn't me-''
"Don't." He cuts me off. "Just don't. Let's go." His voice barely a whisper. This time I don't want to go. This time I want to talk.
"Aaron." I'm not moving from my spot.
"Let's go Kayla." He won't even look me in the eyes anymore. He goes to his motorcycle, takes my helmet and hands it to me. All of this without glancing at me once. I'm so used on having his eyes on me all the time, I didn't think it would hurt this much for them not to follow my every move.
"It's okay, I'll just take a cab." I barely say.
"The fuck you are. I may not be able to look at you right now, but that doesn't mean I stopped loving you. I'm not leaving you alone. Let's go, now." Every word he delivers is a knife to my heart. I take my helmet, put it on and get on the motorcycle, behind him. The tears don't stop, throughout the whole ride.
***
The minute Aaron stops at my house, a dreadful feeling forms in the pit of my stomach. I don't want to leave things like this. I step out of the motorcycle and hand him the helmet, but I don't leave.
"Go home Kayla." He says never looking at me.
"Aaron you need to know I didn't me-''
"Stop. Just stop. You meant it." I don't think I've ever seen him this hurt. It feels like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest. The knowledge that I did this to him, is already burdening me.
"Aaron I didn't!"
"Yes you did." He whispers. "Because you would actually die than be with me. You would rather die than live with the knowledge that I can be yours." He laughs, but it's humorless. Dry. "Funny thing is I'm already yours. You just don't care." He spits the last sentence with such venom, I can hear my heart cracking.
"Aaron that's not true." I whisper. The tears that never stopped, are being ripped out of me now.
"Get in Kayla. You know I'm not leaving until you get in, but I won't talk to you about this anymore. Just go. Please." I know I've lost this. I feel like I lost him.
"Okay. Just...will you please text me, when you get home." He does that laugh again. That laugh that scares the shit out of me. "You're angry Aaron. I don't want you riding the motorcycle, while you're angry. I'm worried."
"I'm not angry, I'm hurt. And I don't care about what happens to me. I'm sure that even if I break all my finger and arms again, it wouldn't hurt as much as this." He says all of this, still not looking at me and this time I flinch. I move then. I start leaving. Once I'm in and close the intercom door, I can hear his motorcycle driving away. I break then. I've never felt pain like this. Not when I got raped, not when Aaron died, not when Aunt Jen died, not when I learned I couldn't conceive. It hurts in a completely different way. It feels like your whole world is shattering, crumbling right before your eyes and you can't do anything about it, can't do anything but be forced to watch. How did this happen? One minute we were kissing, happy, the next I'm crying my heart out. 'It's all your fault.' The voice inside me says. It's right.
I once heard someone ask: 'What is life without love?' I didn't know how to answer that. Now I do. I know the answer, because I feel it in my soul. In the middle of my chest. My love just left.
Life with love it's pain, but life without love it's empty.