We were never meant to be

Chapter thirty-nine

Kayla
I have hurt him in a way I have never hurt anyone else. I can see it in the way he breathes, like it hurts every time he inhales. I see it in the way he walks, like he doesn't want to take another step into this world. I see it every time he looks at me, like I'll say another thing that will cause him pain. I see it in the way he talks, his voice light, like he doesn't have the energy for anything anymore.
He is broken and it's all my fault. I would have left and freed him from all of this pain, but I'm pretty sure that that would hurt him even more. And the thing is I also need him.
"Kayla sweetie, where is Aaron?" My grandpa asks from his hospital bed.
God this man scared the shit out of me two days ago.
When I found him on his bed, face full with pain, I thought I lost him too. I don't even remember what happened until the medics came. I was shaking, that much I remember. Thank God he's fine now. The night was a success, no complications. Although, the doctor said he needs to be on a constant bed rest now, for a long while. Not pushing himself over the edge. That's gonna be hard. He's as stubborn as they come. Almost as much as Aaron, which is why they get along so well and why he's asking for him now.
"He went to get you some pudding from the hospital kitchen. He knows how much you like it." I say and my grandpa smiles.
"That boy knows how to spoil someone. Makes you love the shit out of him." He says laughing.
"Trust me I know." I mumble under my breath.
"What?" Asks my grandpa.
"I was just saying that you should know, that the doctor gave us a clearance. We can go home tonight." The door opens behind me and Aaron comes in.
God it hurts.
"Aaron! Do you hear what my favorite granddaughter is saying? I'm going home tonight. About damn time. This place is making me feel bored out of my mind." He whines. I sigh. My grandpa just looks at Aaron all excited. I swear he's like a little kid sometimes.
"Grandpa, I'm your only granddaughter." I point out. He just waves me off.
"That's great pops." Aaron says quietly. "I brought you some pudding." He extends the covered plate he's holding to my grandpa.
"Vanilla or chocolate?" My grandpa asks him. Aaron opens the lid that covers the plate.
"Vanilla, of course." My grandpa's face lightens up.
"If you don't marry him Kayla, you'll be even more of an idiot than I was."
"Grandpa!" I shout at him, but Aaron just asks.
"What do you mean?"
"When my grandparents where young, like 18, they met. They fell in love immediately. Grandpa used to be a soldier, you know. So when he had to leave for the army, he broke up with my grandma."
"Why?!" Aaron asks shocked.
"Relax Aaron, they obviously ended up together in the end." I tease him and he does smile, but his usual spark is gone.
"Well son, she was young. I would be gone for long periods of time. I would robe her from a happy married life and would keep her in a constant state of worry for my life. Not to talk about traumas I would have, when I'd come back home. She'd have to raise the kids alone. She didn't need all of this mess, all this difficulty in her life. She could have married a guy with a steady job and to not have her mind in another place, constantly in edge for her soldier husband." My grandpa explains. And even though we are not in the same situation, I completely understand him. I take over again, having heard the story a million times. Loving it.
"So he left. My grandma was heartbroken, but she didn't give up. When grandpa came back 6 years later, she was still waiting."
"No." Aaron whispers.
"Yes." I say and before I can go on, someone interrupts me.
"And I would have waited and another 6 years. As long as it would have taken for this bimbo to understand, I didn't care for anything except him. Thank God he came to his senses." My grandma says from the door.
"Grandma! What are you doing?!" I ask in disbelief. "You aren't supposed to come here." I look back at my grandpa to see him smiling at her like he's 18 all over again and saw her for the first time.
"Well I was rotting away at that home alone. It's about time I came to take my husband home." She says determined.
"You seem to always do that my dear." My grandpa replies and I think tears well up in my eyes.
Aaron helps me put my grandpa at the wheelchair and settle him there.
"Let's go. Mike's waiting for us at the hospital door. And don't you dare pull something like that ever again! You hear me?! I forgave you for breaking my heart all those years ago, I will not forgive you if you leave me alone now. Specially now that I'm old. I'll get bored all day alone." She whines to him, while walking out of the corridor with him on the wheelchair.
That was fast.
I pick up all our stuff, and of course the pudding, and I join them.
"Do you want me to push the wheelchair?" Aaron asks my grandma.
"Hell no. I can still walk can't I?" Aaron just smiles and holds up his hands.
"Doctor." My grandma says as soon as she spots him. "We're leaving. Thank you for your service." I think the doctor is kind of shocked at her straightforwardness.
"I'm assuming you must be Ms.s Chase." He says. My grandma just nods. "Well, of course Mr. Chase can go home, but from now on he'll have to come for monthly checkups. I explained to your granddaughter all of the things he needs to be aware of. The food diet, the daily activities and his posture. I believe I'm leaving him in good hands." The doctor says, trying to appease my grandma.
"Damn right you are. He's been in good hands for the last 56 years." We all laugh at that.
"Take care!" The doctor says, a smile still playing on his lips. My grandparents say their thanks and leave before us.
"Thank you doctor, for everything." I smile to him.
"It's my job. And also congratulations for the engagement." What engagement is he congratulating me for? I'm about to ask that, but Aaron beats me to it.
"Thank you, we're looking forward to the wedding." He replies immediately. Understanding settles over me.
"Right the engagement. Thank you, we appreciate it." I say recovering and to make it more believable, I intertwine mine and Aaron's hands together. He stiffens.
My God what have I done him?
I swallow the lump that forms at my throat, at his reaction of my skin and just smile.
We leave and join my grandparents. Uncle Mike is helping taking my grandpa from the wheelchair on the front car seat.
"Aaron son, will you come with us? We'd be delighted to have you for dinner." My grandma says, while I load the stuff I had in the car.
"Thank you Ms.s Chase, but I need to head home. I also have my motorcycle here and I can't leave it. You're all tired from the last three days. I don't want to intrude." Aaron rejects her offer nicely. What he's really avoiding is staying near me any longer. I just know it. And the fact seizes the oxygen in my lungs, making it hard to breathe.
"You wouldn't be intruding, but fine. I guess you've gotten tired too. But you still owe us a dinner." Grandpa says from his seat in the car now.
"Yes I do. I promise I'll pay my debt." He jokes with them.
"Maybe it would be better, when Anya and I can join too." Uncle Mike says.
"Yes I would love that." Aaron replies.
"Oh how wonderful! It's settled then. We expect all of you for dinner, some time next week." My grandma says, just as I close the car's truck.
"Splendid! I will need some more company now that I'm to stay in bed most of the time." My grandpa says all excited. Aaron nods, not saying anything.
"Well we better get going then." Uncle says. We all get in the car and I roll my window down so I can talk a bit to Aaron.
"Text me when you get home, please." I beg, hoping it'll change his mood a bit, get some good reaction out of him and also because I worry when he's on that motorcycle in states like this.
"Your wish is my command cheesecakes." He says, but his playful tone is gone. I don't want him calling me that, if he doesn't mean it. I nod, barely holding my tears. Aaron seems to notice that, because he clenches his jaw. I'm probably annoying him.
"Okay then. See you." I say and roll my window up, before he can say anything that'll make this worse.
10 seconds later we're driving home.
"Did Aaron seem a little bit off to you?" My grandpa asks from the front seat.
"Yeah. He didn't seem like his usual smiley self." My grandma agrees. I sigh, my heart clenching. I was hoping I was exaggerating with my observations of him, but apparently I was right.
"I'm sure he's fine." My uncle says. His eyes catch mine from the rear view mirror. He knows something is up and he's giving me an out. "Right Kayla?"
"Right." I chirp, looking out of the window.
***
It's been an hour since I've seen him and he still hasn't texted me. Normally I would blame the traffic, but with a motorcycle you can avoid most of it. It would take you max 40 minutes, no more. I don't like this. I'm going to call him.
I take out my phone and ring his number. He answers on the fourth ring.
"I just got in Kayla. I got late, because I stopped at the supermarket to buy some stuff." He explains and I hear the door close in the background. "I wouldn't lie to you about doing something and then not do it." He sighs. It's clear I'm irritating him.
"I'm sorry I just got worried. I thought something happened to you or I was hoping you forgot and not the other." I reply.
"Well now you know." I hear him putting the keys on the counter.
"Right, I know. Bye Aaron." I don't like hearing his voice like this. It kills me. I end the call. I hate this. I hate what I did to us. I hate it. But I can't relent. He doesn't understand that I would be taking his whole future away from him.
I'm just tired, I'm so tired. I feel exhausted. I cry then. I cry and I pick up my phone. I cry and take my jacket, opening my room door. I dry my tears and put on my shoes, I don't want my grandparents seeing them.
"I'm out!" I call as I take my keys.
"Sweetie, but you're exhausted and haven't showered in three days." My grandma shouts after me.
"I'll shower later!" I call back and close the door behind me.
I'm tired of this.
***
I pound on Aaron's door and I have started crying again. I started the minute I stepped out of the bus.
"Coming!" I hear him shout behind the door. He's probably looking through the peephole now. I hear the keys jiggling and then he finally opens the door.
I'm out of breath, he's out of breath.
Why is he out of breath?
I see then. His hair is wet, his shirt is wrinkled and his pants are untied, hanging low. He just got out of shower. And kill me for thinking he looks so hot right in this moment.
"Kayla what are you doing here?" He asks the same question he asked me a month ago, when I came on his doorstep, after learning I trusted him, after learning I loved him, prepared to tell him everything. Except this time the cheesecakes is missing. And that is a blow to my already broken heart. He notices my tears, but I don't let him talk. I push past him and get inside. He closes the door and turns to me.
His apartment is so clean, so neat.
How is he so perfect in everything?
"How is your place so clean?" I don't even know why I'm asking this. This is not what I came here to tell him. He's taken a bit by surprise that that is the question I'm asking. Well that makes two of honey.
"I don't like messes. Gives me an actual headache." He replies dumbfounded. I just nod, still out of breath.
"And I'm a mess." I say, but he's already shaking his head.
"I never said that." He says so calm and I let out a whimper. This man. This stupid, beautiful, breathtakingly handsome man, this cheesecakes obsessed man, this man who clearly has a light case of OCD, this man who actually loves me, just looks at me and still after all I've said to him, doesn't say a single hurtful word to me. I break then.
"Cheesecakes." He says so quietly and comes in my direction. But I put my hand out, not letting him to get closer. I don't trust myself to not get lost on him if he's closer to me. Even with this much distance, I still find it hard to stay away.
I let out a gasp of cry.
"I'm tired Aaron. I'm so tired Aaron. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of having nightmares at night, I'm tired every time I close my eyes, because the first thing I see every time I close them is that damn alley and his body over mine. I'm tired of missing Aaron and Aunt Jen. I want them here with me. I miss them. I'm tired of blaming myself, every time Aaron and my aunt appear before my eyes. I'm tired of thinking how different things would have been if I had taken the courage to go to his house sooner and not stroll around on my dooryard. But I was scared, because it was my first time leaving the house alone, since the accident. If I had been there sooner, he would still be here and so would Aunt Jen. I'm tired of knowing I have to read his letter every day, but I can't, because those are his last words to me Aaron, I can't read them, otherwise he'll be gone. Forever." Aaron just shakes his head, his eyes bloodshot, but I don't stop. "I'm so tired of having to live every day with the knowledge that I can't have kids. I'm tired of seeing mothers with their kids and knowing I'll never experience that. I'm tired of me! But these are all old. I've figured out how to avoid them most of the time. What I'm most tired of is this situation we are on." I take a shaky breath and go on. "For the first time in three years, when I close my eyes, the first thing I see, it's not the alley anymore, but it's you. You Aaron. And I'm so tired of us fighting, I'm tired of hurting you. I don't want to hurt you anymore. It hurts me, when I see you hurt. It pains me to see your smile, your light, your voice, yourself gone. It pains me more than you could imagine. And I'm tired of knowing I'm the one who did that to you. But I'm mostly tired of wanting to be with the man that I love and knowing I can't." He closes his eyes then. As just the sight of me hurts him.
When he opens his eyes again, he looks defeated, but I don't stop, I can't. "I'm tired of being the one who keeps us apart. And I'm tired of seeing you annoyed and irritated by me. It hurts my love. It hurts. And I'm tired of hurt. I just want us to go back to us, to the way we were, before I made the damn mistake of asking you to kiss me. I don't regret the way it felt, but I regret what it did to us. I can't do this. I'm not strong enough for this. Please, please. I can't have you, but at the same time, I can't lose you. I need you. I love you. But you have to understand I can't do this. I can't Aaron. I can't. Please, just please." I'm shaking and I think I'm falling. "Please, I'm so tired." I say before strong hands catch my limp body. They wrap me in a big hug and I wrap my arms around him too. I put my head between his neck and his throat and I just sob. I cry and sob and I don't stop. He just waits with me there and soothes me. Cradles my back, my head, my hair.
"Shh, it's okay cheesecakes. I'm here. It's okay. We'll go back to the way we were. Whatever you want. It's fine. I'm okay, you didn't hurt me." I know that's a lie. "Just don't kill me like this. I can't see you like this, I can't see you this hurt. Otherwise I'll be the next one in the hospital with a heart attack." A chocked laugh escapes me. "I'm not freaking kidding. We don't have to be anything. We can just be." Another sob leaves me. I didn't think I had more in me. "Shhh, you are perfect. Every part of you, amazing. My Kayla. You are not guilty of anything. It's only his fault. You hear me? None of this is your fault. And if I have to suffer every day for the rest of my life to show you that, I would do it in a heartbeat. I don't even know how to explain to you what you do to me." His words seep into my blood like a calming drug. I love him so much.
After a bit I quiet down, but his embrace never leaves me. He still holds me tight. Him on his knees, me on his lap.
"It's you and me cheesecakes. You fall, I fall. You break, I break. We fix each-other up. We help each-other out. We don't leave one another. You and me, always. Promise me cheesecakes? Promise me." He says and then takes my face and holds it his hands.
"I promise." I whisper. Face full of undried tears.
"Good." He says and then hugs me again.
"Aaron no." I say stepping out. "I haven't showered in three days. You just did and look at what I did to your shirt. It's full of tears, mascara and snot." I say.
"What the hell have I told you about you and my shirts?" He asks, actually annoyed.
"That I can ruin your whole wardrobe."
"Damn right. Now get back here." He says hugging me again, I don't object this time. "And don't you dare think for even one millisecond that you irritate or annoy me. You could never. I'm sorry if I appeared to you that way. I just didn't know how to handle my feelings." He mumbles. I step back to look at him.
"But you stiffened when I took your hand at the hospital or the other times you would sigh or clench your jaw. I saw it Aaron, don't try to deny it." He lets out a laugh of disbelief.
"That's what you think I felt?! Cheesecakes all those times, were because I wanted to pick you up and bend you over somewhere and do stuff we're both not ready for, so I had to keep myself in check." He explains. I blush. I probably look like a real life tomato. He just smiles so beautifully.
He's back.
"Oh." I say.
"Yeah. You are my favorite person. Even if you came at me full of mud and dirt, I would welcome you with open arms." He says with a childish grin. I laugh then.
"Something tells me you hate mud and dirt, that's why you took them as examples." I say and he smiles again.
"Well you're right. I'm kind of a clean freak." He says blushing lightly. I just kiss his cheek.
"I love that you're a clean freak. It's kind of hot actually." Aaron just groans.
"Kayla cheesecakes you cannot say stuff like that to me or I don't think you would like the outcome." I blush again. Suddenly I'm very aware of the way we're sitting.
"I wouldn't. But not for the reasons you think. I just wouldn't want to destroy what we have. Because that's how it has to be Aaron. Please. Just us." I say, emotion clogging my throat again.
"Yeah. Yes I know. Don't worry, I know. No more." He says massaging my back.
"Thank you." I whisper, hugging him again. He wraps his hands around me immediately.
"Anything for you my cheesecakes. Anything." I sigh relieved that the matter's resolved. "Are we just not gonna talk about the fiancé thing?" Aaron jokes and I laugh on his arms.
And if I could be able to stay in that moment forever, I would be the happiest person in the whole wide world, and no one can change my mind.