Dear Diary | Chacha

red flags

~Chapter 53~
RED FLAGS

Charlis POV:
I feel like I'm having a panic attack. It's all starting to hit me. Justin and I are done. Over. And maybe if this had been a normal break up I would've been fine but it wasn't and I'm not. I was lied to, manipulated and now that I look back on it I was an idiot. He made me feel like he wanted to fight for us. But all he wanted to fight for was to have sex with me. So many red flags that I just ignored or forgave.

He pressured me into everything we did together, I was never in control of anything. Whenever we almost broke up he'd tell me he'd kill himself without me. He let his friends sexualize me and slut shame me. Every time I questioned our relationship he would tell me I loved him and he loved me and we'd be together forever, or that I'd find no one else. He didn't believe me when I told him the worst thing that had ever happened to me, when I needed him most and the biggest red flag that I chose to ignore twice was him physically abusing me. He chocked me to the point where I couldn't breath, he thought I'd like that? Then... he slapped me... and he barley gave me time to think before he told me he wanted to get me pregnant.

So many things I saw but ignored... and that's not even the worst part... the worst part is a part of me is glad I ignored them...

Sarah patted my back as I cried into a tissue

Charli: "I'm not a slut you know..."
Sarah: "never said you were"

I know what she's thinking... I can't blame her though... everyone thinks that

Charli: "I know you're thinking that... I just want you to know the truth... I'm not like that, I'm not the person they say I am at school..."

She nodded and I knew she didn't believe me and she wouldn't mo matter what I said so just said nothing

Sarah: "why did you love Justin?"

I thought about for a second and shrugged

Charli: "I don't know"

You can't really explain it right?

Sarah: "like what did he do for you?"

I don't know... but I don't really feel like talking about it...

Charli: "I don't know..."
Sarah: "did he say nice things to you? Compliment you? Get you gifts?"

I shook my head

Justin rarely gave compliments and even though I tried so hard, he never did. Maybe once or twice but not more then that...

Sarah: "is it because he was affectionate towards you? Did he spend time with you? Did he do things for you?"

I shook my head

He's just not that type of person

Sarah: "so what did you guys do?"

I stifled and shrugged

Charli: "I don't know okay!"
I cried

Maybe I lost sight of love and what love is but it was there... I know it.

Sarah: "who was the first one to say i love you"
Charli: "him"

And yeah maybe the first time I said it back wasn't real but it became real.

Sarah: "he manipulated you into a lot of things Charli. Do you think it's possible he manipulated you into thinking you loved him?"

I quickly shook my head

Charli: "I loved him. I still do. I know it"

I quickly stood up and exited the washroom when I noticed Chase was standing right outside the door