Ghost

Chapter One Hundred Seventy Eight

                                       Nats POV

It's been about a month now. And I've read that note every single day. The paper is starting to tear at the edges, so I have to carefully unfold it and refold it.

I keep it with me at all times.

       It's always in my pocket. I find myself reaching for it when I need to feel close to her. So just about every second of the day.

      I've gotten use to the motions of everyday life. And by that I mean I'm pretty much a breathing robot.

      I do what I have to do. Work is just something that I go to because I have to. Because it takes up time. Because it makes the people around me believe I'm doing okay.

     Or they pretend to believe it.

     Alia is turning into a brilliant little lady that Spencer would be proud of. She's already such a little character at 7 months.

     She's going to miss so much with her.. her first steps. Her first words. Her first time running up to you for a hug. The first time she can throw a ball. Her first dance. Her first take down.. All things Spencer was so excited to experience as a family. And with more kids.

    And none of that is an option.

    But I have to believe she's here. That's she's watching over us. I know she is. I can feel it in my bones.

    But that still doesn't bring her back.

    So I work. And I take care of Alia. And I let others visit or I visit them.

    Anything to keep me busy, keep me going.

    Because while I'm moving and going through the motions, the pain isn't on the surface. It's easier to pretend it's not there.

    But in the silence.. when I'm alone..

    It all bubbles up and does it's best to suffocate me.

    I feel it pulsing through my veins, reaching every inch of my body.

    And it's so hard to push it back down.

    It fights me at every second.

    So.. no.

    I'm not doing okay.

    With Spencer I was living, I was thriving.

    Now..

    I'm just barely surviving.

———————

    It's been another month or so. I'm not even sure, to be honest. The days are all blurring together and the only happiness I have is in Alia.

    And since she's spending the day with Yelena today, I don't even have that.

    I'm forced to be with my own thoughts. They drown everything else out.

    So I'm trying to go through and pick up the house since I actually have the time to do it.

    It's kind of working.

    I'm doing my best, okay.

    I'm currently in front of the movie room, Spencers favorite room in the house. No surprise there. It was a necessity. Our kids had to watch movies properly.

    I haven't really been in here since..

    It's just not the same watching a movie without her.