Ghost

Chapter Seventeen

Spencer's POV

    It's only been a week since I left the house in Greece. I doubt Carol has even been back to it yet. Knowing Thanos, he isn't going to be easy to catch or stop. I just hope they're able to put an end to his reign. I'm not ready to deal with any of that yet.

    Hell. I'm not ready to deal with anything. I have been doing exactly nothing productive. Mostly going to bars, getting drunk, stumbling home. I'm trying to forget that I messed up? Or that I lost Carol? Or all the pain I can't seem to escape from? I don't even know anymore.

   I'm barely existing if I'm being honest. I'm not sure when I really ate last. And the only thing I've been drinking is alcohol. I don't know what I look like; I just couldn't stand to look at myself. (I feel the need to mention that, at some point, I smashed the few mirrors I did have.)

   I'm sure this answers your question on if I've been going on any of my 'business trips.' Cause I haven't. If you weren't sure.

   I had decided to lay low for a bit before getting back into it. Also, alcohol.

  I'm not saying this is at all a good way to deal with any of this. It's actually a complete trash way of dealing with anything, but that seems to match up to me as a person so.

   Also, the best way to get rid of a hangover seems to be more alcohol. So I've gone into a revolving door of getting drunk at night, waking up with a hangover, drinking for breakfast till I pass out. Waking up in time to go back out for the night. Sometimes I don't make it out of my ramshackle of a place.

    I know I'll have to stop and attempt to get myself back together, but at the current moment I don't give a shit about that. And I'm not sure I'm going to care anytime soon.

——————

   I'm out at a bar again. Yell at me later. I really, truly don't care. I am intending to self sabotage right now. Come get me when I've hit rock bottom, then try to knock some sense into me.

   I'm at a place called 'Life' at least I'm pretty sure anyway. All I really cared about was getting served drinks and dancing with as many hot women as possible. So that's just what I'm doing.

   Whatever my drinking limit is, I have been so far past that for so long, I don't remember the point to my sentence.

    So yeah, the music is fantastic. The Dj knows exactly what she's doing, really playing off the vibe of the crowd. And they're loving it. I don't think there's anyone not dancing in this place. I'll have to try to remember to come back here. (Let's be real, I'm not going to remember shit for this whole past week.)

    As the song switches to another crazy tempo, I have to stop for a drink. Yes, an alcoholic one. What's water? Don't know. Ask the bartender.

    I get two more of whatever I've been getting all night, quickly downing one and thinking I can bring the other to the dance floor. You can imagine how well that goes.

    I make it to the front by the Dj because I have a feeling it'd be even better closer to her. I know it doesn't make sense but IM DRUNK. And she's hot.

    As soon as I make it there though, some asshole bumps into me, spilling my drink on my shirt and pants. "Hey fucktard, watch where you're going!" I yell to whoever it was but they probably don't even know I'm talking to them. Neither do I.

   I don't even know why I'm yelling now. Fuck. Maybe I shouldn't get another drink. Yeah, I'll just dance some of this off.

    So I start getting back into the music, but that's when I hear someone talking into my ear. I don't really know what they're saying so I turn to see who it could be. By Damn, it's the Dj lady. Wait, how is she here and not..

   "How are you here?"

   "What?" She gives me a weird look. Okay Spencer, let's form better sentences, yeah?

   "You're not being the Dj?"

   She must have figured out what I meant. She laughs still but explains, "I'm on my break, I had my boss take over the playlist."

    "Ah, and you decided to take a break by being on the dance floor?" I try to challenge her, I'm sure I'm just a mess. A hot mess though.

   She does laugh again so I think I'm getting somewhere? "You're cute." I wasn't expecting that.

   "And here I thought I was the drunk one."

    She just keeps laughing at me? Maybe I'm funny. "Oh, I think you're definitely the drunk one. But you've still got some good moves, thought maybe you could show me?"

   Oo this girl is testing me. I wasn't ever really good at tests. Well to be fair the tests I had weren't the ones you'd take at school. Shit, say something Spencer.

   "Mm my class is usually full, but for you, I'll make the time." I wink, at least I think I do. It works. Soon enough her backside is on my front and we're grinding to the music.

   "I don't know how long your break is, but do you want to get out of here?" I say into her ear hoping she'd hear me.

   She turns around with a, "hell yes." Followed by her pulling me out into the crisp air, which actually sobers me up quite a bit, that and the beautiful girl dragging me into what I would assume is her car. Or maybe we just hijacked some dudes car. I have no idea.

   All I know is that we're in an apartment, I'm taking off her clothes as her moans make the music at the club seem like child's play.

   This is what I call music to my ears; a perfect playlist. And I want to listen on repeat all night long.

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   I think I wake up in a bedroom? I do have the sense to know it's not mine, but other than that I'm clueless. And afraid to open my eyes anymore than they are. Also, this bed is comfy as fuck.

   I turn my head to the side of me that seems to have something attached to it, and I see a very pretty girl. That's when I realize I don't have clothes on. Fuck. Literally. But, really I need to get out of here before she wakes up.

   I slide out from under her. Then quietly, but frantically, try to find my clothes. This should be a simple task but with my blinding headache and having no clue where I am, it takes me a bit. Once I do, I walk out of the room and make my way to the front door.

   I make sure I walk down an alley with no one around, it wasn't hard, I think it must be pretty early as the sun seems to be mostly hidden by the buildings still. Perfectly fine with me, makes it that much easier to vanish.

———————

    I'm sitting on my lump of a couch at my safe house, questioning everything in existence. My head is finally starting to feel better. I decided to try that water thing again, it's not half bad.

    I slept with someone. It feels like I cheated. Which I kind of did, right? I mean Carol and I didn't officially break up? Or did that fight we had count? I honestly don't know. I know we won't be back together and I guess that's close enough to the same thing.

   Whichever side you fall on, I still feel like shit for it. What the hell am I doing? Letting myself fall this low? Waking up at some other girls apartment? Letting things go way farther than they should have. All for what? I'm being so careless. I'm worth more than the shit I'm putting myself through. I promised I wouldn't let myself forget I'm worth more. And here I am.

   I want to be worthy of more than this.

   It's time to get my act together. Figure my life back out as much as possible. Get back to work. Get back to living.

    The only person that can do that is me. No one knows who I am, no one knows where I am. Hell, no one is about to burst in my door, telling me I can do better. No one cares. So I have to. No one else is going to save me.

    As much as I wish that were true, it isn't. No matter how many times I've wished that to be true, I've only really ever had myself. No friends, no family, no anything.

    It's hella lonely, but consistent.