Ghost

Chapter One Hundred Seventy Seven

Nats POV

It's been a week since.. yeah. I guess I'm still going. I'm still moving. Still breathing.

Even though she isn't.

It doesn't seem real.

I feel.. empty. Like I'm walking around in a body that isn't mine. My heart isn't my own. It's gone where ever Spencer went.

And the fact that she will never come back..

I'm alive but I've barely been living.

I wake up because I have to. I eat because they make me. What's the point of all of this if I don't have her to go through it with me?

Our daughter.

She's the only motivation I have to keep going.

If it weren't for her sweet giggles or her smile when I take her out of the crib..

But even taking care of her isn't the same.

Spencer isn't here to get her to laugh the laugh only she could get her to.

There aren't amazing smells coming from the kitchen from Spencer cooking dinner when I get home.

She isn't coming up with some goofy plan for us all to do.

She isn't here to drive us around in the Bronco.

We can't look up at the stars or dance to her favorite songs.

I will never hear her off key singing.. and damn it all, it's the only thing I want to hear.

     Instead I'm here. Slowly getting dressed, which Spencer would normally appreciate until she couldn't wait any longer and I'd feel her arms wrap around me before she started placing kisses on my neck.

     I can almost feel her arms there now.

     And it's terrifying to think that there may be a day where I can't recall what that feels like.

     I let out my breath, run my hands down my face. Then I place my hands on the side of the sink, leaning in to look at myself.

     I have to try to keep my shit together.

    For Alia.

    And this is suppose to get easier? I don't see how. I don't want to believe it. I don't want to believe there will be a day where thinking about her won't cause me pain, that it won't affect me.

    I refuse to believe that.

    I finish getting dressed, and once again find myself looking in the mirror at my reflection.

I barely recognize the person staring at me.

Her cheeks are a little sunken in. There's no shine to them. The hair is dull and messy.

The clothes are still clinging to the figure but they won't be for long.

My whole body misses Spencer.

I need her. Like air and gravity and a beating heart.

But I don't get to have her anymore.

I take a few deep breaths and then walk over to my daughters room to get her up from her nap.

"Hey, Ally bear. Time to get up."

I walk over to her crib and see her bright green eyes as she slowly opens them.