Ghost

Chapter Eighty Seven

     She looks very confused and a little sad. "Awe, bub. I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you. Your response was just.. cute."

      "Yeah, totally seems like it," she narrows her eyes at me in suspicion.

       "I had meant.. how do you feel about having kids?" I ask a little more sure in my words this time.

       "Well, like having my own?" She asks quietly this time, not really looking at me.

       "Yeah."

       "Um.." she still won't look at me. "I knew I'd have to talk about this at some point.. I just.. I hope it doesn't change things." She looks at me finally but I can tell she's about to have tears spill over.

      "Spence.." I try to hold her tighter, if it's possible. This is when the tears spill over.

      "Sorry. I don't even know why I'm crying. I've never even thought about it. It was never something I thought I could have or want but.. I can't have kids, Nat. All the experiments they did on me.. they made sure I couldn't." And she drops her head once again.

       "Oh, bub." I bring her head up to look at me, then wipe her tears. "I'm so sorry they did that to you. Just because you didn't get the chance to think  about that as your future, doesn't mean it should have been taken from you." I'm bringing tears to my own eyes as I think about what was taken from both of us.

       "Thanks, love. I never thought it would bother me so much? I mean the Ghost as a mom just didn't make sense. And now.. now I don't know." She looks at me again. She brings her own hand to wipe the tears I let fall.

       She takes a deep breath. "Sorry. I don't know why I let that get to me.."

       "Spencer. Don't apologize for being upset. You weren't allowed to feel anything before. You can feel whatever you want whenever you want. I want to hear it and be there for you. Don't stop yourself from that."

      "Ah, you're right. I'm sorry, Tasha. I don't know why I keep stopping myself. I want to let all of my walls down with you. I'm not trying to shut down," she tells me.

      "I know," I whisper. I can tell she's trying. It's not easy. I know.

      "Ah, so, uh. What about you?"

      "What?"

      "Do you want kids?"

      "Yes. But.. I also had that choice taken from me," I'm still whispering. Not trusting myself to speak any louder.

       "Oh, love," she brings my head closer so she can kiss it. Leaning back, she runs her hands through my hair and I love that she knows just what to do to comfort me.

       "Yeah.. I use to think I was a monster.."

       "Love.."

       "I know. I," I pause, take a deep breath. "I never really thought about it while under the red room. But once I was out and here with the freedoms I didn't know I could have. I felt the loss."

       She brings her other arm to wrap around me, pulling me onto her.

       "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I hate that they did that to you. I hate that they made you feel less. Because you are so, so important. I do not know enough words to describe how incredible you are. I know you would be an amazing mom, but you are already so many amazing things," her words soothe me and her heartbeat relaxes me.

        I didn't know one person could make me feel so at home.

        "If you hadn't already gone and kicked their ass, I'd be on my way right now," she adds.

        And now she's made me laugh again. I can't tell you how incredible this feels. I will never get tired of this.

      "So neither of us can have kids," I state.

      "It appears that way."

      "But would you still want kids?"

      "Like adoption?"

      "Yeah."

      "Well, it's not something I really ever thought about before. Never seemed like something I'd be able to have. I never really thought about my future like that. But.. if I'm doing it with you? I want everything."

       And there go my tears. I lift my head so I bring us in for a kiss. I know I'm a mess but I don't care and neither does she as she puts just as much into the kiss.

       We only pull apart when we need air, resting my forehead on hers.

        I pull away slightly, looking into her eyes, and I see it all. The future we could have. The future I need to have with her. I see how much she cares and all of the love she has. I see the adventures we will have together. How we'll grow together. How she can make me laugh and cry all within minutes. And I love it. I love everything about her.

        "I love you," I say with so much confidence and joy. My smile taking over my face.

        And then her eyes are lit up and she's smiling that smile that makes me fall that much more for her. And she's bringing me in for another kiss. This one with so much love I never want it to stop.

        But it does. And that's when she tells me, "I love you, too. So much. With every part of me, I love every inch of you," she lays it all out there and I'm here for it. My heart explodes with happiness at her words. I can see the truth in her eyes. And her words and actions every day have shown me how much she cares.

        It happened. I fell. I fell completely and entirely with no harness or safety net.

        And she caught me.